People will go after the most vulnerable people if they get a chance...

[noname223]

My former therapist and the chemistry master student have one thing in common they are extremely manipulative. I have to be careful what to post.

I told my former therapist that I am currently in the process of cognitive restructering. And I also said that in my self-help group. And both exploited that to their advantage.

This is a very vulnerable state. You have to question your own thoughts and intuition. It is a process where you show a lot of your weaknesses. I tried to get rid of catastrophizing social interactions and getting rid of making negative predictions all the time. I even said to my therapist that trustworthiness is very important in this state. And she fucking betrays me in the worst way possible in the next session? I think I know the reason why she was pissed at me. She thought I told an official office "a lie" that she doesn't work accurately. I think now she looked up her documents and realized I was right. She gave me a diagnosis without proper diagnostics. I just wanted to be transparent. I will never trust therapists again.

But in the both cases the worst case scenario actually happened. It gave me even an advantage because I predicted a catastrophe. Without that worse would have happened.

I don't know which conclusions to draw. I am certainly becoming more paranoid. And I have extreme trust issues currently. However, not with my closest friends. There are 3-4 people who I can trust blindly. But I also fear the communication isn't safe.

I tend to give AI therapists a try. For someone with psychosis extremely dangerous. And they are certainly an echo chamber. But I need support currently. I am overwhelmed by all of this.
I take AI to write my mails. And they are pretty good for feedback. Otherwise my emotions would overwhelm me. WIth AI the text sounds more clinical and it doesn't show that my blood is boiling every single day. Every second I am conscious. For feedback its amazing. But also very biased.

The thing with my therapist (I elaborated on it in a different thread) stresses me out in a very severe way. Almost as much as the one time where I thought I triggered someone into committing suicide. But this only lasted one day. This is going on now for almost 2 weeks.

Maybe all of it will be resolved. But there is also a chance this will ruin my credibility with the social services where I live forever. And I will never be able to work. And my therapist is spreading lies about my intentions why I want welfare. Probably there will stick something.

I think my chances to win if I sue her are pretty good. She was incredibly dumb. I might have proof if I get my medical records. There is something she is hiding. Probably a proof that she is lying. And thus far she gave me 20 laughable different excuses why she is denying me full access to my medical records. All of these idiots of patient counsellors say me chill don't put her into trouble. Well she fucked it up. I am in excruciating pain because of her. But honestly it is not so much about revenge. It is more about getting rid of lies in my medical records. That's the real danger. I will probably report her for not giving me access to my medical records.

Actually, I have one big lie on paper. But its weird she changed her position recently on it. I think she realized its in the medical records. And if I sue for getting them, its one of the worst violation in ethics as therapist.

I am extremely finical when I write a request for welfare measures. It is extremely good writen and well researched. And nuanced. I know without this credibility I will be forever fucked. There is currently a check of one of my social benefits. And the check takes way too long. I gave them the allowance to talk with my therapist for it. And it is overwhelmingly likely she lied to them about my diagnosis. I told the office that her diagnosis wasn't made in the usual way. I wanted to be as tranparent as honest as possible. And now I get punished for it. I get punished for something someone else made.

But honestly, Even if this ruins my life forever. The current state I am in is beyond imagination. The insane pressure I am in. This is inhuman. On the anniversary of my almost suicide attempt I said I am somewhat glad I didn't do it. And two days later this happened. Lol.

I can still kill myself. I can still kill myself. What I am doing to myself because of this is not good. It will be a lesson for who to trust. And I won't trust therapists anymore. I don't know who is still left to trust though. Self-help groups aren't safe that's for sure.

In the end I think humans only have a very small space for independent decisions. If this ruins my life, it would have happened sooner or later anyway. And this is simply who I am. As a result of multiple severe traumata I developed the habit to over-share. And there are people who exploit that for their own advantage. I didn't think a fucking therapist would do it though.

I don't think I shouldn't blame me so much for it. I blame me for trusting her. I hoped for the good in therapy. And some therapy helped me.

I am dealing with an very extreme load of severe problems. It is very likely this will end in suicide eventually. I am only managing the disaster fallout. Trying my best. It is most likely this will all collapse sooner or later. And this is something I always try to tell me. And a therapist alluded that. (An actual good therapist). In the end when I will kill myself, I shouldn't blame it on myself. This wasn't a game I could win. But getting backstabbed in such a way hurts. And I really don't know how to recover from that. I am currently extremely hypervigilant. The whole thing felt like a new traumata. I have extreme inner heat. It feels like I am dying inside. I can only sleep with addictive medication anymore. And the withdrawal symptoms will be another nightmare. I don't know whether I have it in me to go through this again.

Thank you for all your support. It is a living nightmare. I am so agitated all I do is walking in my apartment without end ruminating and catastrophizing. Usually, I lay in bed all the time.

 

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I am certainly becoming more paranoid.

I was wondering about this and whether you might be seeing more red flags than usual(?) as far as risk of psychosis. It sounds like you have a decent(?) psychiatrist, and hopefully they're in tune with you and have an idea of what's been going on.

I tend to give AI therapists a try. For someone with psychosis extremely dangerous. And they are certainly an echo chamber.

It may help mitigate risk if, in engaging AI, you remind it in your prompts that you have a history of psychosis and paranoia and that you need it to be as objective as possible rather than pacifying you in any way.

I don't know enough about AI to know how much of a safeguard that would be, but that's the first thing that comes to mind in your situation: Write up a brief set of parameters for it to observe, save this note somewhere, and then in any given conversation, make a habit of repeating the note frequently enough that it shouldn't "forget". Not sure how helpful that would be, but I imagine it wouldn't hurt.

And I won't trust therapists anymore.

This reads as one of the bigger problems in all of this, that it's done so much damage to your ability to trust mental health professionals (and probably to your ability to trust people in general, as well).

It might be a bit soon to look at repairing that damage, but if or when you become ready to do that, a few things come to mind as far as what that could look like.

First, could you acknowledge, within yourself, that there are two distinct truths: that 1) you've developed a distrust for therapists, and 2) not all therapists are the same.

Second, if trusting a new therapist seems unrealistic, would it instead be possible to work towards the middle ground where maybe you don't necessarily have to reestablish "trust" for therapists. What about reestablishing your ability to enter a new patient-therapist relationship on neutral terms where there's neither trust nor distrust. And let your would-be new therapist earn your trust.

And if/when that time comes, it may help to make it immediately known to them about the situation you've just gone through with your previous therapist. For purposes of that topic, there would be two separate discussions that could be had. I assume you would probably want their counsel as far as helping you heal and recover from the harm that was done. But there's a separate discussion related to this that may be best had in your very first session, or through email before you even meet: I think it may do you well if you wrote up a note, keeping it fact-based and as succinct as possible, that summarizes your experience. And either have (insist) the new therapist read the note, or you read it to them. So, two separate discussions about this: 1) "just the facts" so that the new therapist knows to be extra judicious in building and maintaining trust with you, and then 2) ongoing therapy and counsel as far as healing from the hurt and harm that resulted from that situation.

It is a living nightmare. I am so agitated all I do is walking in my apartment without end ruminating and catastrophizing. Usually, I lay in bed all the time.

You're in a spot where both therapists and self-help groups feel unsafe -- two critical sources of support that you're missing right now. I know this is all very fresh and that you're dealing with an overwhelming amount of darkness in this. But this situation can improve.

There are some bad therapists out there, but there are also some very good ones who would listen to you and validate you and do their best to help see you through this. Think about the supportive people you've known throughout your life, and trust that some of those types of people do indeed enter the mental health industry. They're out there right now. It's just a matter of finding them and connecting with them, when you're ready.