People who've made a serious attempt before...

[Hope:-)]

People who've made a serious attempt before, what gave you the courage to do it? How did you override the fear? Sedatives? Not thinking about it? I so badly want to go through with it but I'm feeling the fear and it's getting in my way. :-(

 

[makethepainstop]

Not so much courage, but if one is in sufficient mental, physical, financial, or all of the above pains,......ctb becomes a relief from the intense suffering, that one is experiencing. Understand, not courage, just desiring the pain to end.

 

[Un-]

I'm with @makethepainstop, here. The pain of living simply overshadowed the pain of dying. It's my opinion that if you (not you; a general person) simply suffered long enough, SI would be less of a problem, or not a problem at all. That's assuming your death doesn't have a time constraint.

 

[Wait-Bus]

People who've made a serious attempt before, what gave you the courage to do it? How did you override the fear? Sedatives? Not thinking about it? I so badly want to go through with it but I'm feeling the fear and it's getting in my way. :-(

My serious attempt was when I was a teenager. I hanged myself and was freely and fully suspended when the knots I made failed.

I can remember I was just determined to do it. I just shouted at myself "do it" . It was almost like getting reved up for a major sports attempt. I just emptied myself of any other thought and was only was left with determination. I can still remember hanging there for a few moments - realizing I had just killed myself.

Obviously I didn't when the knots slipped off.

Curiously enough, I failed at knot tieing in Boy Scouts. So maybe there was success in that failure.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

My previous attempt was a failed hanging which happened very sporadically. Wasn't planned, it was an act of desperation. Like jumping out of a burning building. I knew I just had to go. Which isn't much help to the question if you're actually planning rather than being pushed.

I think the reason I am so calm with my planned death now is because of a variety of reasons. I fucked around a lot with psychedelic drugs in my mid 20s. Experiencing ego death, regularly doing dmt, all these things felt like chasing and staring into the void. Experiencing the nothingness that I think is like a preview to death. I loved doing that.

I also did a lot of studying into spirituality, Zen Buddhism, things that at the time were trying to help me find a reason to live, but for me now, actually have made me comfortable with the idea of death. Thinking that there could be something more to this after life, or maybe there's not. Either way, none of this matters. We're here for the blink of an eye in a universe of a scale we simply cannot comprehend.

I could go on, but I think the best advice I can give was something a friend shared with me back in the days I was doing psychedelics and experiencing ego death.

"Just let go."

You'll likely feel terrified. Death is pretty scary, it's the ultimate unknown. You'll want to hold on to your ego, to your life and your memories, because they're all you've ever known. But follow your heart. Take that step into the unknown. Embrace it. Feel the excitement for the unknown and what comes next.

Just let go.

 

[Amor]

I was in a one week coma after my attempt. I didn't go about it emotionally, I just did what I knew I had to do because no one else would do it for me. I just wanted to leave. My next attempt will be the last and I will get it right. I guess at some point you have to choose. You either do it and end it all or continue to live like this forever?

 

[John-LW]

Don't think, just do. Once you engage your brain you're fucked.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

Youth and ignorance mostly. I had no responsibilities and I thought my method was foolproof, painless, and peaceful.

 

[Hercules]

I made an attempt before. I had been suicidal for awhile and was desperate to leave and very serious about ending it, but I couldn't bring my to go through with it. Then one dày I woke up, and there was a different type of desperation. I felt that if I had to live for one more day, it would be too much for me. Honestly I felt that if I had to live for one more hour, it would be too much. I almost felt compelled to do it. I was very scared, but I felt that it it was something that I had to do. I drank a couple of shots about an hour before which lowered my SI and anxiety somewhat. Then I just pushed through the fear and went through with it. I didn't really overthink it. I just did it. It was somewhat impulsive. Even though I was planning to commit suicide soon, I didn't have any plans the day before to make an attempt that day. I just woke up and decided to do it.

 

[justemptilyexisting]

I have made an attempt before. During that moment, I felt at ease knowing that my life and suffering would be finally over. I had no courage leading up to the moment but did have utter desperation to eliminate my existence which proved effective against SI. My method was partial-hanging and I successfully lost consciousness. Unfortunately, I woke up because my medium snapped.

 

[Hope:-)]

Some good suggestions here guys. I am going to use a sedative prior and possibly alcohol. I am desperate to get to the other side and I am confident that that desperation in the end will win. Sometimes it takes people years to do it but they manage to in the end so if I keep going and keep getting closer to it I figure in the end I will do it.

 

[ManicPanic2018]

Some good suggestions here guys. I am going to use a sedative prior and possibly alcohol. I am desperate to get to the other side and I am confident that that desperation in the end will win. Sometimes it takes people years to do it but they manage to in the end so if I keep going and keep getting closer to it I figure in the end I will do it.

Be careful with alcohol and SN - I don't have much of an understanding of how the two react, but I think there's a chance alcohol could reduce the effectiveness off the SN, or make it more likely to induce vomiting. Would suggest doing some searching since I
I'm not 100% myself x

 

[ever so lonely]

i tried paracetamol it wasnt pleasant the abdominal cramps were something else, just shows how desperate i was and still am tbh, hence why i here looking for a reliable source, they ended up putting me on an intravenous drip to counter the high dosage i took, i dont the half of it, or remember much of anything, and still they maintained i might have done long term damage to my liver that wouldnt manifest itself now maybe in the future, but honestly man i am past caring, way i see it as is when you had enough you just had enough, millions do this and succeed yearly, we arent alone in our feels

 

[Sadboyspecimen]

I made an attempt a few years ago with CO in a small hotel bathroom. I had been obsessing over suicide for months before I had attempted. I also had experienced many things in the months before that made me extremely depressed. I think the fresh wounds were the biggest factor that made it easy to attempt. I was also stranded far away from home, nobody knew where I was, I had no money, I maxed out my credit card, and had abandoned my car and the few personal belongings I owned quite a while beforehand. All of these things also played a big role in making it just that much easier to give in. But still it wasn't enough. I went and bought a 6 pack of jack Daniels lemonade (they are higher percentage of alcohol than most beers, and go down like Kool aid) I slammed the drinks as fast as I could and also swallowed about 50mg of melatonin. Unfortunately I did not stoke up the charcoal enough or else I would have been successful. I was naive about the method as I did not know about the SS forum at the time. I learned about charcoal method a few days prior on Google after reading about the lead singer of the band Boston using it as his method to CTB. I lit the coals on a ceramic pan (bad idea, it broke) in the bathtub.

 

[LowLevelChimp]

I've made a few serious attempts over many years, my last attempt was out of pure desperation and I had absolute tunnel vision took over 120 paracetamol and then just went to bed knowing that was that (or so I thought), lots of throwing up later and seven days in hospital on a drip and obviously I survived. I was f ing angry at my failure.

For me I need to be at that point of sheer desperation but of course that's no good because all plans go out the window.

 

[Himalayan]

People who've made a serious attempt before, what gave you the courage to do it? How did you override the fear? Sedatives? Not thinking about it? I so badly want to go through with it but I'm feeling the fear and it's getting in my way. :-(

The fear is always there. I just kept the ball rolling.
Despair + philosophy + commitment + reckless behaviour in general.
Ignore your SI

 

[Hope:-)]

The fear is always there. I just kept the ball rolling.
Despair + philosophy + commitment + reckless behaviour in general.
Ignore your SI

Yes, I think that's it. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. x

 

[AnonymousS]

Not so much courage, but if one is in sufficient mental, physical, financial, or all of the above pains,......ctb becomes a relief from the intense suffering, that one is experiencing. Understand, not courage, just desiring the pain to end.

Exactly this, life or at least my existence scares me far more than any fear of death i used to have. It becomes a case of if things are so intolerable, what is the least worst option.

 

[suicidalpushpop]

what does SI mean?

 

[Hercules]

what does SI mean?

It means survival instinct.

 

[killmeiwannadie]

i just didn't care anymore. i didn't even think of anything else other than what pushed me to follow through. wasn't courage. just was at that lowest point where it made sense to follow through and any little bit of SI was stamped out by how over life I was. SI was this little voice that kept getting drowned out by the possibility that i wouldnt have to go on with this miserable life anymore. i wish i succeeded.

 

[Cerulea]

The first time I made an attempt of any kind, I was absolutely consumed with the abuse I was experiencing as a child. I could not handle what I felt inside of me and like many kids, I had to put that somewhere on the outside of me. Teens aren't clever and wrists are actually difficult to hide entirely. I got caught, quickly. Many other attempts were frantic states where I pounded pills and alcohol combinations that I knew could be deadly.

The last one was a months long spiral culminating into a full scale plan to fall from my roof. I sent an email detailing what to do with my body, all my stuff, a handle full of other emotional messages. Survival instinct kicked in and I panicked hard. Had a panic attack that I'm not convinced didn't turn into a low level seizure that night. Passed out at 3AM, woke up the next day bound and determined to put some thought into a decision I think I had been to afraid to admit. Which really means I had made earnest attempts at times that maybe weren't the right times. Sedatives just never really worked for me. I didn't want to feel powerless or beholden to this feeling and have these maddening episodes. And, honestly, knowing what I'm doing feels so much calmer and voluntary. I couldn't overcome the SI before, and now I'm much closer to being able to tango with that.

*Edit - typo

 

[Euthanza]

I just can't see the future for me whatever I choose, it's gonna be horrible being gay in predominantly muslim country. Even the family hate me for being who I am really. There's simply no better escape than death.

 

[chloramine]

For years I genuinely tried to suffocate myself under my blanket as a kid/teenager. I knew it probably wouldn't work but I was so terrified of people finding out about the fact that I wanted to die and I'd heard of someone dying that way (in hindsight that was probably either straight up false or there was information missing). I was too scared of someone seeing my internet history to research anything (and I didn't have my own computer). I don't know if all of those count as real attempts because realistically they were never going to work but at the time I believed there was at least a small chance. I begged for it to work. I didn't experience SI because the method didn't provide survival instinct feedback (it was uncomfortable and there were psychosomatic reactions to believing it was possible). I kept trying then out of desperation to make it stop. I was more afraid of failure and getting caught so I never tried anything overt beyond that.

I have tried a few times with things that actually have a chance of working since. On most days I wouldn't be able to try. Either SI or exhaustion got in the way. When I have genuinely tried it's because one of those really bad days come around. The ones where I don't want better or people or safety or anything. I just want to be done. Things are almost always bad but on some days it's so overwhelming that is subsumes everything else.

 

[Nagito]

What part are you specifically afraid of? Is it what comes after death or the process of dying?

The prospect of death had been relieving for months but when I tried and truly believed "this is it" I did need a few more minutes to decide to swallow. What helped me was trying to look at it as logically as I could and consider the pros and cons of my life.

When I could list many cons and only one or two pros, and also knowing that the ones I care about could benefit from my death through life insurance it made things so much easier because it was the logical and unemotional solution.

 

[doxyquill]

I failed a co poisoning attempt a few month back and still everyday wake up wishing I had been successful. I got to that place where I just wanted to end it all, I had no interest in the human experience any longer it was the only way to find peace and it genuinely is what I wanted to do. I still feel that way. I don't think you can force yourself into that mindset, it just has to come.

 

[sevenkarmas]

RIP Hope:-). I hope your last minutes were peaceful.

 

[Zulu]

SI is the principle thing that keeps me going in this world, and why I'm still here in the first place, regardless of how much I've suffered or how down I might feel. I've never been able to overcome it, but I have been able to trick it (i.e. playing Russian roulette as that does not guarantee death if you pull the trigger, and if you survive, there's no physical harm done to you). Not many methods offer that ability since once you start executing your exit, you're either gone instantly or will be gone in the next few minutes. Hitting that proverbial big red button to initiate the actual start of your death is so very difficult to push once you have the means to leave in front of you.

Don't think, just do. Once you engage your brain you're fucked.

Pretty much this, essentially. The moment you start thinking about it, your SI will kick in and pull you back into the world of the living, whether you want it or not.

 

[Illidan77]

For me.. Guess it's always in my mind and there were no other option (well there might be but idk..) I'm just afraid of the pain.

 

[quietam pacem12]

Ja, diese scheiß Angst vor Schmerzen und ewigem herumquälen...deswegen muss alles genau überlegt sein und klappen.
Ich bin auch dran, einen guten Plan in die Tat umzusetzen...bald.