Venting People Who Think They Know Exactly How To ‘Fix’ You

[15dec]

Ever since my dad came home last night he's badgered me about how to 'cure' my sickness (currently on tablets for it) and my mental health (currently relaxing at home and writing to recover). Which according to my dad just isn't good enough.

Last night it was a barrage of questions about why I was sick, as if I know what's been making me so ill for the past month and a half, and a few quips about how I make myself depressed by 'doing nothing' indoors when I've been trying to relax and calm down, which was working. Alongside that was a remark about how I was giving up on education and basically giving up on my future to louse around and do nothing.

It's only 10am here and he's already getting on at me about how I haven't been out yet when I've only been up for about an hour, and how I'm just worsening my own situation and will never get better if I'm acting like this. Thing is I feel shit all the time, even if I go out every single day I come home feeling awful, and still feel awful while I'm out.

Everyone acts like going outside is a magic cure-all and if I decide that I'll benefit from some time to myself indoors I'm making myself depressed on purpose, and it'd all be fine if I went out. But then I'll ask to go somewhere and I'll be told 'no' so I can't win, can I?

Right now I'm getting hit with one of the worst waves of paranoia/anxiety in months and the thought of going out fills me with so much dread. I feel pathetic as it is without someone acting as if they know exactly what will make me feel better when they don't have the slightest understanding how trapped I feel. The actual thing that's been helping me to feel slightly better is now being used against me to make me feel even worse and as if I brought this situation on myself and I hate it :(

 

[JustAboutDone]

Oh honey this is just what you don't need :-(
I don't know why people have to do things like this - be all heavy handed when you are struggling to just get by atm. Is there a space in family view you can set up an 'obvious' work station e.g. living room or kitchen so hog a whole table, spread out all your college work and be really obvious about getting on with it. To a point that you are in everyone's way :-) Then if he says you need to go out you can say, "But I want good grades to get to the uni of my choice"

Xxxx

 

[15dec]

Oh honey this is just what you don't need :-(
I don't know why people have to do things like this - be all heavy handed when you are struggling to just get by atm. Is there a space in family view you can set up an 'obvious' work station e.g. living room or kitchen so hog a whole table, spread out all your college work and be really obvious about getting on with it. To a point that you are in everyone's way :-) Then if he says you need to go out you can say, "But I want good grades to get to the uni of my choice"

Xxxx

All my college work is online and I can't even access it atm because they reset all the student passwords and haven't let me or my mum know what my new one is like they said they would.

I'm mostly bothered that it feels like I made the tiniest step forward and I've already been knocked down again, especially since it involves my writing to an extent. Last time I was so invested in it my dad made very clear I probably wouldn't be successful, now it feels like I'm in the wrong for using it as a way to cope instead of what he thinks is best

 

[JustAboutDone]

How long is he home for?
I hope he doesn't set you back :-( if you can, try and steer clear of him as much as you can - I know it's difficult in the same house and when it's with someone who is controlling xx

You have to focus on you. Try and keep as calm as you can. Xx

 

[15dec]

How long is he home for?
I hope he doesn't set you back :-( if you can, try and steer clear of him as much as you can - I know it's difficult in the same house and when it's with someone who is controlling xx

You have to focus on you. Try and keep as calm as you can. Xx

I'll try my best, he should be going on Sunday or Monday so it's not too long to wait

 

[JustAboutDone]

I'll try my best, he should be going on Sunday or Monday so it's not too long to wait

I'm so sorry he is trying to unravel you :-(
It's gutting when you were starting to find ways to cope xx

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Sorry about your situation 15dec. I think it's often hard for older men not to devolve into vain, authoritarian know-it-alls. It's something we have to actively fight. Your father also likely feels a lot of frustration at not being able to help you on some level. In that sense you're a victim of circumstance, being at home and having to deal with it daily without any breathing room. There is a good chance you will feel better and improve your relationship with him once you are able to create some space for yourself.

But yes, the superficial "fixes" are frustrating to listen to. People have hassled me for years regarding my low-key life. Like no, exercise does nothing for me. I'm in a bad mood now, and afterwards I'll still be in a bad mood. And sweaty.

 

[15dec]

Sorry about your situation 15dec. I think it's often hard for older men not to devolve into vain, authoritarian know-it-alls. It's something we have to actively fight. Your father also likely feels a lot of frustration at not being able to help you on some level. In that sense you're a victim of circumstance, being at home and having to deal with it daily without any breathing room. There is a good chance you will feel better and improve your relationship with him once you are able to create some space for yourself.

But yes, the superficial "fixes" are frustrating to listen to. People have hassled me for years regarding my low-key life. Like no, exercise does nothing for me. I'm in a bad mood now, and afterwards I'll still be in a bad mood. And sweaty.

I do try hard to understand that he's probably frustrated about it too, but it's hard when everytime I'm upset he resorts straight to shouting/being aggressive even though me and my mum have told him plenty of times over the years that it just makes matters worse. There were also lots of instances in the past where he's shouted at me for asking to get treatment for my mental health including a few days after an attempt. He more or less thinks I'm just upset, don't have an actual mental illness and that all my problems will be solved if I talk to him and tell him everything -he's completely against anyone else being involved and I'm pretty sure it's because he knows he's been violent/controlling in the past and doesn't want to be exposed.

I'm the exact same about exercise -my dad was saying a few weeks ago how if I start doing karate again I'll feel better (as if I wasn't depressed when I did it before). Like you said I'll just be in a bad mood, sweaty and also slightly humiliated by my complete lack of physical ability :p

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

Mentally well people like your dad probably are suggesting things that help them out of a "bad mood", thinking that depression is similar to feeling a little bummed out, and not understanding just how hard it is to deal with depression. Sorry he's not that understanding, depression is a bitch and having family not supporting you that well through it doesn't help any

 

[15dec]

Mentally well people like your dad probably are suggesting things that help them out of a "bad mood", thinking that depression is similar to feeling a little bummed out, and not understanding just how hard it is to deal with depression. Sorry he's not that understanding, depression is a bitch and having family not supporting you that well through it doesn't help any

Yeah, it sucks. Every time I go through a particularly bad period it's "what happened this time?" as if it's as simple as events putting me in a bad mood. Thanks for understanding, hugs ♡

 

[Psilo]

This includes psychologists who prescribe medication, that give you an impression of healing, but the only thing it does is to kill you slowly...

 

[Aesthler]

TIL outside is where all the oxygenz and sunshinez live and if I go to them I will be cured.

Sorry about your dad and your crummy situation. I wish there was an easy solution to all our problems but if it existed then we'd all be cured by now.

 

[VoloFataliDoce]

I'm sorry your dad is acting that way. It's a shame that people aren't able to empathize properly. I have to tell myself all the time that people aren't able to understand because they haven't been there personally. You'd think if exercise and sunlight and positive thinking would cure mental illness they wouldn't need to devote an entire profession to treating it. Warm wishes to you, although I don't know that it'll make much difference.

 

[15dec]

I'm sorry your dad is acting that way. It's a shame that people aren't able to empathize properly. I have to tell myself all the time that people aren't able to understand because they haven't been there personally. You'd think if exercise and sunlight and positive thinking would cure mental illness they wouldn't need to devote an entire profession to treating it. Warm wishes to you, although I don't know that it'll make much difference.

Thank you ♡

 

[Norest4thewicked]

@15dec I am so sorry that you are under pressure from your dad. You are not pathetic, you are unwell. It sounds like he could do with a crash course in empathy

 

[15dec]

@15dec I am so sorry that you are under pressure from your dad. You are not pathetic, you are unwell. It sounds like he could do with a crash course in empathy

I wish he saw things the same way, he doesn't even fully accept that I'm physically sick, let alone struggling mentally. Thanks for your reply ♡

 

[CJM]

Mental struggles just can't be magically "cured"

Prior to quitting cigarettes I remember seeing all the "help" out there mentioning how awesome the lives are of people who have quit but what they always failed to mention is, you're always going to have those urges to smoke, it's how you deal with those urges that counts.

With depression the worst thing I found is for anyone to say "I have a solution to your problems !" No you do not. I remember the shrink I went to last year whom I paid for just to chat to someone, well he wanted me to do breathing exercises ffs. Come on dude...

 

[15dec]

Mental struggles just can't be magically "cured"

Prior to quitting cigarettes I remember seeing all the "help" out there mentioning how awesome the lives are of people who have quit but what they always failed to mention is, you're always going to have those urges to smoke, it's how you deal with those urges that counts.

With depression the worst thing I found is for anyone to say "I have a solution to your problems !" No you do not. I remember the shrink I went to last year whom I paid for just to chat to someone, well he wanted me to do breathing exercises ffs. Come on dude...

I know, it would've probably been so much easier for me to cope if someone had been there to tell me that I'd deal with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life, rather than telling me it would get better. All that did was give me false hope that was crushed when it came back. I wish it was that simple to overcome -if we could just breathe differently or go outside and be better it'd be beautiful.

 

[CJM]

I know, it would've probably been so much easier for me to cope if someone had been there to tell me that I'd deal with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life, rather than telling me it would get better. All that did was give me false hope that was crushed when it came back. I wish it was that simple to overcome -if we could just breathe differently or go outside and be better it'd be beautiful.

Exactly. That's how the people have that been "cured" go about their business, they know what's up, those dark thoughts will always be there, it's all about how you manage them.
After going through my real dark spell last year what I've really learned is that when someone is trying to "help" you, they're basically talking out of their asses. These are highly complex situations that can't just be resolved over a chat.

 

[15dec]

Exactly. That's how the people have that been "cured" go about their business, they know what's up, those dark thoughts will always be there, it's all about how you manage them.
After going through my real dark spell last year what I've really learned is that when someone is trying to "help" you, they're basically talking out of their asses. These are highly complex situations that can't just be resolved over a chat.

Yeah. My dad was acting stupidly nice at the beginning of December, talking to me about everything, said I was just 'walking through a horrible dirty field trying to get to the nice one' and wouldn't accept it when I tried to explain that there wasn't going to be a nice field. Then because I said I was 'fine' one day went back to being an ass; now he just moans that I'm sad because I don't go outside as soon as I wake up every day. He doesn't understand that if going out actually helped I'd be doing it as much as I could.

 

[CJM]

Yeah. My dad was acting stupidly nice at the beginning of December, talking to me about everything, said I was just 'walking through a horrible dirty field trying to get to the nice one' and wouldn't accept it when I tried to explain that there wasn't going to be a nice field. Then because I said I was 'fine' one day went back to being an ass; now he just moans that I'm sad because I don't go outside as soon as I wake up every day. He doesn't understand that if going out actually helped I'd be doing it as much as I could.

That's unfortunate and it sucks to hear that. When my dad died last year he understood me, once he left and I fell into a really dark patch and I turned to my mum, because shes my mum and she really struggled to understand, I don't blame her for it, it's just how humans have been cultured to mental health, it's just a thing you need to "man up" and get over it.

 

[15dec]

That's unfortunate and it sucks to hear that. When my dad died last year he understood me, once he left and I fell into a really dark patch and I turned to my mum, because shes my mum and she really struggled to understand, I don't blame her for it, it's just how humans have been cultured to mental health, it's just a thing you need to "man up" and get over it.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad :(
I try not to blame others for their perceptions on mental health, it's tough with my dad though because pretty much every way he deals with it involves shouting or belittling me. I can't get my head around how some people think that's how to deal with someone who's depressed or even just upset

 

[CJM]

Well you got us all here...
High five internet!

 

[SkyBlue]

No, it can all be fixed with a cheap fake talk or a walk in the park. NOTHING can EVER be really grave. After all, you're not sick at all, or are you? Sounds... familiar.