Discussion People Who Began Self-Harm in Adulthood, Share the Stories Behind Your Scars.

[WaistedPotential]

Remember to share your struggles, kings and queens. I want to encourage men especially, to share your stories. I promise that people care. And, at the very least, I care. I'm going to come back to this as often as I can too.

I'll begin by sharing my self harm scars. I've struggled with major depression my whole life. As a man, it's hard to talk about, and I don't really know what causes it, but body image issues are a contributor. During what seem like depressive episodes, I'll obsess over random shit thinking it will make me better (they never do), and a few times it's been weight loss.

On one occasion when I was 25, I managed to lose 40lbs as I was convinced I needed to look stunning for my funeral (I was actively planning my bus trip then). Free college therapy l convinced me to live. Unfortunately, I didn't have that luxury the next time.

Fast forward a years-and-some-change, and I am lying on the kitchen floor searing matches into my forearm. Why? I decided I was going to punish myself for every day I failed to stick to my diet. I failed every day, and this turned into my coping mechanism for almost 2 years.

Those years after flunking out of college a second time were rough. I was completely alone. The only reasons I didn't get a bus ticket, were because of my cat, and the fact that my mom would be so sad. The depression never really goes away. It's the obsession that's so dangerous. I'm not quite ready to CTB, I have too many things keeping me here, but it will never be off the table.

TL;DR I started burning myself with matches as punishment for failing to lose weight. It quickly became a coping mechanism for severe depression.

Edit: felt the need to be more inclusive with this post.

 

[unworthy_]

Thank you for this thread. I am actively looking for someone older members here. But I could see none. Everyone is young and that makes me sad. But I don't have know what they have gone through to come to this.

Thank you for sharing your story and your struggles. That is very brave of you.

My first self harm if I could remember is back in my high school days. I hated how I look till today. I had a mole on my face that I would like to get rid of. Without money, I had no choice but to use needle to scratch it off my face. It bled severely and painful as a result. After working I could finally get rid of it for good with surgery. It has left a scar.

My second self harm is slitting my wrist with sharp objects. I could not tolerate pain well therefore the slits were quite superficial. My ex broke up with me I was 31y

My third self harm [possibility, pending] could be anytime or couple of years later. This time I may be able to make it right and less painful because I could access SN. My one and only person broke up with me. The one that I would marry and have family with. My hope is shattered. I could not get him back as he hated me vehemently. His family too. I know this is the end.. as I am writing this now I should be in tears but I am numb. I have nothing to live for. All I do now is to be alive to take care of my sick pet who is dying from cancer. When she is gone eventually, then my duty is done.. I see no hope anymore.

For the context, I will be 39y this year. The thought of it is depressing. My youth and fertility are gone forever. I achieve ntg in my life. I went for an eye plastic surgery and it ended up looking I have ptosis. I have no career and savings. I have no relationship. My life revolves around my family and pet and that's it. It has been like this, stagnant my whole life. I am tired of this. There is no way out. No way. The love of my life is gone. He will be om the lookout for a new relationship with someone younger with healthy fertility. And NO, I won't be looking for someone else anymore. Hardship, failures, fall downs, they dont make me feel stronger but biter and more depressed. I am burned out.. exhausted of all hopes. Enough is enough. I wish I could end my life right now and not worrying about my family but I could not. This keep living and move on are agonising..

 

[nembutaldream]

Thank you for this thread. I am actively looking for someone older members here. But I could see none. Everyone is young and that makes me sad. But I don't have know what they have gone through to come to this.

Thank you for sharing your story and your struggles. That is very brave of you.

My first self harm if I could remember is back in my high school days. I hated how I look till today. I had a mole on my face that I would like to get rid of. Without money, I had no choice but to use needle to scratch it off my face. It bled severely and painful as a result. After working I could finally get rid of it for good with surgery. It has left a scar.

My second self harm is slitting my wrist with sharp objects. I could not tolerate pain well therefore the slits were quite superficial. My ex broke up with me I was 31y

My third self harm [possibility, pending] could be anytime or couple of years later. This time I may be able to make it right and less painful because I could access SN. My one and only person broke up with me. The one that I would marry and have family with. My hope is shattered. I could not get him back as he hated me vehemently. His family too. I know this is the end.. as I am writing this now I should be in tears but I am numb. I have nothing to live for. All I do now is to be alive to take care of my sick pet who is dying from cancer. When she is gone eventually, then my duty is done.. I see no hope anymore.

For the context, I will be 39y this year. The thought of it is depressing. My youth and fertility are gone forever. I achieve ntg in my life. I went for an eye plastic surgery and it ended up looking I have ptosis. I have no career and savings. I have no relationship. My life revolves around my family and pet and that's it. It has been like this, stagnant my whole life. I am tired of this. There is no way out. No way. The love of my life is gone. He will be om the lookout for a new relationship with someone younger with healthy fertility. And NO, I won't be looking for someone else anymore. Hardship, failures, fall downs, they dont make me feel stronger but biter and more depressed. I am burned out.. exhausted of all hopes. Enough is enough. I wish I could end my life right now and not worrying about my family but I could not. This keep living and move on are agonising..

That's heartbreaking; I hope you can find a way to be at peace. It's cruel to me how family can keep so many of us from the peace we deserve.

 

[unworthy_]

That's heartbreaking; I hope you can find a way to be at peace. It's cruel to me how family can keep so many of us from the peace we deserve.

Thank you. I don't hate them. I love my family dearly. But they would be so depressed if I did. I knew exactly how it felt to make ppl feeling this way