Help People slowly killing me aswell

[flesh object]

I'm going to start off this post of an individual that has been affecting me a lot recently, and I hid it away completely from them, however I do blurt things out and my inner thoughts do come out,

I'm just looking for another persons perspective on it, considering I am not the most mentally well individual, and there's just not a place where I can be completely honest besides this site.

I'm going to give a background on myself without oversharing or turning this into a story about my trauma, but I just wanted to give an understanding of my mindset.

I have struggled with CTB for quite awhile, and I have just been in a limbo of mess around with substances till I ultimately CTB.

I have struggled with mental health since I was born, I was brought into a world with never ending torture with physical, mental, and sexual abuse from my Father. My Mother has been a support figure however growing up she was extremely mentally pressuring, she was always reflecting all the anger from my Father onto me.

I've struggled with finding people that understand me, I've heard countless times that it will get better but ultimately my mental health always takes a dive, and it always ends up with me being held against my will or questioned by authorities.

I've had a very calm outlook on life, I'm not an emotional person, however the need to CTB has been an urge, it just feels right to, and nobody would let me even talk about it because they get hurt by it, and I always question why it is fair when I have to live a life on substance abuse and trauma.

I've always had a saying that I gave to people.
"You never understand what its like to be me, because its like climbing a mountain with broken wrists, except those broken wrists never heal."

Now onto what's been bothering me recently.

I met an individual around last year, in November. they have been a fun person to hang around and eventually we got attached to each other, My depression has always been noticeable and what I do makes it extremely obvious. We started to talk and we got into a relationship with the mindset of making things better, however I was always completely honest with how I feel and what I am thinking when asked, I don't have the energy to lie about those things. My consumption of alcohol was daily, and they were frustrated and questioned the value of the time we had together, if I was always intoxicated, I was never belligerent, I was still myself, I always remember my past traumas and what I went through even when intoxicated. My speech was just impaired and I was noticeably intoxicated, however it did not change who I was. They eventually and abruptly they changed their mind on the relationship, everything was going fine and we were all laughing and spending time together; but it went from them willing to help me get better because they truly wanted to be with me, to them claiming I was too much, and they couldn't put up with my mental issues.

I never trauma dumped onto them, and I never brought it up, I usually was just intoxicated while spending time with them. When it came to the ultimatum on if we were still willing to be with each other, I was not trying to find remorse or an excuse what so ever, I confided in their judgement completely and I assured them that they were to make the decision, and I would try not to affect it, because I understand what it's like to have someone ask to stay together, it hurts.

We ended off things, with what I thought was well, their regret slowly started to seep out and they admitted to me that they have a lot of regret, even so that they got angry at themselves for sometimes not being able to have an emotional response to me after it all.

A week later and I see them with someone else, I try my best to be a support figure for them and to encourage their relationship, even so that I often third-wheel when they are together, but slowly we've drifted apart, and they are happy with someone else, while I am stuck in a position where I got left because they couldn't keep up with my mental issues even when I didn't show it except for intoxication.

They've stated themselves that, they would never forget who I was, because I was someone special to them, and now I truly start to doubt it.

I don't hold any resentment for that person, I still care for them so much but I just feel as if the only thing that I looked forward to in a life of PTSD and severe depression is gone.

I've really asked myself if I CTBed would it even change anything besides me being in a better place.

 

[FishGoingInsane]

I understand where that person was coming from, not knowing whether the time being spent with you was truly spent with you, and from what you say, it really was spent with you.

The problem with that is, because no one else but you can be absolutely sure of that fact, unless they trusted you 100%, people normally would assume that intoxicated you isn't the real you or that you aren't 100% there, no matter what you say.

My question now is if you were intoxicated before you started the relationship, because you say that you showed visible signs of depression, but not intoxication. If you did show signs of constant intoxication before the relationship, then I find it a little insensitive for them to say that they suddenly had enough and did what they did. Even if not, I still find it a little insensitive for them to do what they did, considering you say that you showed visible signs of depression and never pushed your mental state onto them.

I've really asked myself if I CTBed would it even change anything besides me being in a better place.

I also have had people in my life that have said things that I don't believe they truly meant that I no longer have contact with due to my own issues. When it comes to me, I believe it's better to think that I personally won't make a difference, so the act can be done a little bit more at peace.

If you truly are looking reasons to stay however, I would recommend that you keep believing in what they said. If you do CTB, it would probably make them sad to find out, especially considering you said that they had some regrets in the end.

(sorry if this isn't the kind of response you had asked for)

 

[flesh object]

My question now is if you were intoxicated before you started the relationship, because you say that you showed visible signs of depression, but not intoxication. If you did show signs of constant intoxication before the relationship, then I find it a little insensitive for them to say that they suddenly had enough and did what they did. Even if not, I still find it a little insensitive for them to do what they did, considering you say that you showed visible signs of depression and never pushed your mental state onto them.

Its fine, anything helps

I was friends with them before we got into a relationship, I was also intoxicated throughout the friendship, it wasn't just a hookup, it was someone that I had spent time with. I've always been truthful, however if I believe in what they say, and its a lie, then it's just me believing a lie to protect myself, and I am a person that really pushes for the truth and complete honesty.

 

[FishGoingInsane]

We started to talk and we got into a relationship with the mindset of making things better, however I was always completely honest with how I feel and what I am thinking when asked, I don't have the energy to lie about those things.

This might explain it a bit, considering the relationship was started with the idea of improvement. Maybe they really were expecting some sort of improvement with your mental state and it just didn't pan out the way they had thought, which then led to them, in my eyes, giving up on the relationship.

That doesn't explain why you had slowly drifted apart as you said though, unless it's just generally hard to stay friends with an ex-partner. Would you still count each other as friends, although drifted apart?

 

[flesh object]

That doesn't explain why you had slowly drifted apart as you said though, unless it's just generally hard to stay friends with an ex-partner. Would you still count each other as friends, although drifted apart?

Yeah however, we had a discussion about it, and they got into another relationship with someone else, and during the time we were both single. We drifted apart because I couldn't really find my place with hanging out with them, considering I was constantly third-wheeling, and seeing them so happy with someone while showing them love and affection, and it just has been me initiating the conversations usually, I have bought them the new Harry Potter game that came out and not much has happened since, it's painful seeing someone who you thought cared for you, and then moved onto someone else within a week of breaking up, and how they are happy but I am not. However I have been a supporting figure, I've given them relationship advice and cheered them on when it was right when I was unfortunately third-wheeling. It just seemed like I completely faded out of their life

Despite them wanting to help me it just seemed like they didn't really mean it.

 

[FishGoingInsane]

However I have been a supporting figure, I've given them relationship advice and cheered them on when it was right when I was unfortunately third-wheeling.

Good on you for being a supportive figure, although it seems that it's putting more of a mental strain on you because of the lack of communication.

It just seemed like I completely faded out of their life.

A friendship shouldn't be one-sided, but I don't want to tell you to give up on the friendship considering that you still care for them deeply and my own personal experiences with friendships.

Some friendships do require a constant conversation starter though. I'm not sure if that would help here or if you have any problems with that approach.

Despite them wanting to help me it just seemed like they didn't really mean it.

Sadly, it does seem that way, considering what they did right after.

 

[Kobusu]

I think people aren't two-dimensional. I say this having been in similar circumstances (though not the same, as nobody's circumstances ever are). I think that people, intentionally or not, hurt us and chip away at us no matter what. That's what interpersonal relationships do. It's part of why I'm so slow to create connections, and simultaneously so unwilling to let them go.

Despite them wanting to help me it just seemed like they didn't really mean it.

I think that it's important to remember that people who are broken, can not help heal others who are as well. It sounds like, though maybe not as broken as you or I, this person was broken in their own way too. Jumping from relationship to relationship (even unofficial ones) is a telltale sign of such. I recognize well that it's not easy, nor is it fair to you. I just think that considering we don't ever know everything about people's lives, it's usually worth it to give them the benefit of the doubt. Even if it hurts.