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- Feb 15, 2023
- 36
I'm going to start off this post of an individual that has been affecting me a lot recently, and I hid it away completely from them, however I do blurt things out and my inner thoughts do come out,
I'm just looking for another persons perspective on it, considering I am not the most mentally well individual, and there's just not a place where I can be completely honest besides this site.
I'm going to give a background on myself without oversharing or turning this into a story about my trauma, but I just wanted to give an understanding of my mindset.
I have struggled with CTB for quite awhile, and I have just been in a limbo of mess around with substances till I ultimately CTB.
I have struggled with mental health since I was born, I was brought into a world with never ending torture with physical, mental, and sexual abuse from my Father. My Mother has been a support figure however growing up she was extremely mentally pressuring, she was always reflecting all the anger from my Father onto me.
I've struggled with finding people that understand me, I've heard countless times that it will get better but ultimately my mental health always takes a dive, and it always ends up with me being held against my will or questioned by authorities.
I've had a very calm outlook on life, I'm not an emotional person, however the need to CTB has been an urge, it just feels right to, and nobody would let me even talk about it because they get hurt by it, and I always question why it is fair when I have to live a life on substance abuse and trauma.
I've always had a saying that I gave to people.
"You never understand what its like to be me, because its like climbing a mountain with broken wrists, except those broken wrists never heal."
Now onto what's been bothering me recently.
I met an individual around last year, in November. they have been a fun person to hang around and eventually we got attached to each other, My depression has always been noticeable and what I do makes it extremely obvious. We started to talk and we got into a relationship with the mindset of making things better, however I was always completely honest with how I feel and what I am thinking when asked, I don't have the energy to lie about those things. My consumption of alcohol was daily, and they were frustrated and questioned the value of the time we had together, if I was always intoxicated, I was never belligerent, I was still myself, I always remember my past traumas and what I went through even when intoxicated. My speech was just impaired and I was noticeably intoxicated, however it did not change who I was. They eventually and abruptly they changed their mind on the relationship, everything was going fine and we were all laughing and spending time together; but it went from them willing to help me get better because they truly wanted to be with me, to them claiming I was too much, and they couldn't put up with my mental issues.
I never trauma dumped onto them, and I never brought it up, I usually was just intoxicated while spending time with them. When it came to the ultimatum on if we were still willing to be with each other, I was not trying to find remorse or an excuse what so ever, I confided in their judgement completely and I assured them that they were to make the decision, and I would try not to affect it, because I understand what it's like to have someone ask to stay together, it hurts.
We ended off things, with what I thought was well, their regret slowly started to seep out and they admitted to me that they have a lot of regret, even so that they got angry at themselves for sometimes not being able to have an emotional response to me after it all.
A week later and I see them with someone else, I try my best to be a support figure for them and to encourage their relationship, even so that I often third-wheel when they are together, but slowly we've drifted apart, and they are happy with someone else, while I am stuck in a position where I got left because they couldn't keep up with my mental issues even when I didn't show it except for intoxication.
They've stated themselves that, they would never forget who I was, because I was someone special to them, and now I truly start to doubt it.
I don't hold any resentment for that person, I still care for them so much but I just feel as if the only thing that I looked forward to in a life of PTSD and severe depression is gone.
I've really asked myself if I CTBed would it even change anything besides me being in a better place.
I'm just looking for another persons perspective on it, considering I am not the most mentally well individual, and there's just not a place where I can be completely honest besides this site.
I'm going to give a background on myself without oversharing or turning this into a story about my trauma, but I just wanted to give an understanding of my mindset.
I have struggled with CTB for quite awhile, and I have just been in a limbo of mess around with substances till I ultimately CTB.
I have struggled with mental health since I was born, I was brought into a world with never ending torture with physical, mental, and sexual abuse from my Father. My Mother has been a support figure however growing up she was extremely mentally pressuring, she was always reflecting all the anger from my Father onto me.
I've struggled with finding people that understand me, I've heard countless times that it will get better but ultimately my mental health always takes a dive, and it always ends up with me being held against my will or questioned by authorities.
I've had a very calm outlook on life, I'm not an emotional person, however the need to CTB has been an urge, it just feels right to, and nobody would let me even talk about it because they get hurt by it, and I always question why it is fair when I have to live a life on substance abuse and trauma.
I've always had a saying that I gave to people.
"You never understand what its like to be me, because its like climbing a mountain with broken wrists, except those broken wrists never heal."
Now onto what's been bothering me recently.
I met an individual around last year, in November. they have been a fun person to hang around and eventually we got attached to each other, My depression has always been noticeable and what I do makes it extremely obvious. We started to talk and we got into a relationship with the mindset of making things better, however I was always completely honest with how I feel and what I am thinking when asked, I don't have the energy to lie about those things. My consumption of alcohol was daily, and they were frustrated and questioned the value of the time we had together, if I was always intoxicated, I was never belligerent, I was still myself, I always remember my past traumas and what I went through even when intoxicated. My speech was just impaired and I was noticeably intoxicated, however it did not change who I was. They eventually and abruptly they changed their mind on the relationship, everything was going fine and we were all laughing and spending time together; but it went from them willing to help me get better because they truly wanted to be with me, to them claiming I was too much, and they couldn't put up with my mental issues.
I never trauma dumped onto them, and I never brought it up, I usually was just intoxicated while spending time with them. When it came to the ultimatum on if we were still willing to be with each other, I was not trying to find remorse or an excuse what so ever, I confided in their judgement completely and I assured them that they were to make the decision, and I would try not to affect it, because I understand what it's like to have someone ask to stay together, it hurts.
We ended off things, with what I thought was well, their regret slowly started to seep out and they admitted to me that they have a lot of regret, even so that they got angry at themselves for sometimes not being able to have an emotional response to me after it all.
A week later and I see them with someone else, I try my best to be a support figure for them and to encourage their relationship, even so that I often third-wheel when they are together, but slowly we've drifted apart, and they are happy with someone else, while I am stuck in a position where I got left because they couldn't keep up with my mental issues even when I didn't show it except for intoxication.
They've stated themselves that, they would never forget who I was, because I was someone special to them, and now I truly start to doubt it.
I don't hold any resentment for that person, I still care for them so much but I just feel as if the only thing that I looked forward to in a life of PTSD and severe depression is gone.
I've really asked myself if I CTBed would it even change anything besides me being in a better place.
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