Venting People say it's ''depression talking'', but I cannot flip my thinking no matter what

[miminkpo]

I know, I'm sure I've tried. I'm sure I've done so much, even if it's invisible for the most part. However, when I say I'm tired of making effort, I'm tired of going on and on with suffering, that I'm just done with having nothing succeed... I just get told that I've got to try harder. What even is harder. People tell me what to do, all the time. Sometimes I follow through, sometimes I decide against it. Anyhow, when it doesn't work out I get ''you're not trying''.

My therapist has helped and she doesn't say that. Instead, what she thinks is a better response is ''you're not allowing yourself to be happy''. And it might be true, that I'm just ''so scared'' of feeling well that I just self-sabotage. But I just don't want that, I don't feel well doing that either (obviously). If that's what you think I'm doing, and let's say it is, and you see that I cannot stop... what else is there?

''It's the depression talking''. When I get like this, it seems people think I'm not me anymore. That... I just don't want to die, it's some monster lurking behind me that they just would prefer not to see, and instead talk to the real me. Well... that's me. That's who I really am, right now. And if I'm not, I'm afraid ''Me'' has been dead long enough.

I live, so others can feel satisfied that I do. Not because I am alive, but because I'm not dead. Because that would be devastating somehow to the people who want the best for me... instead, I just suffer further for them. Yeah, they do convince me sometimes that I could be the happiest person alive if ''x'' or ''z'' or if only I didn't something or something else. But when I fail... it's me who's doing it wrong. It's me who doesn't want to stop feeling like shit.

I just want an answer from those who think alike. I've gotten the same side of the story for the longest time, I just need to hear someone tell me ''yeah, it does really feel like shit... so shit, one would kill themself''. Just someone who isn't judgemental, someone who can understand. Because even people who are or were suicidal, will tell me ''no, don't do it... you've got so much to live for''. I don't know if they are lying to me or to themselves.

Thanks for reading all of this.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

If your reality sucks you're going to feel bad. Depression is often a result of a shitty reality and it's hard to change it for the better for many. Just my opinion.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. Many people who say things like 'you are not trying' cannot comprehend what you are going through as they are not experiencing it themselves. It just invalidates your suffering, because often we can try our best and still get nowhere.
It is hard living for others, I would never be able to suffer for the sake of them but I understand not wanting to cause pain to other people. I wish you well.

 

[LittleJem]

Depression is in my opinion : a degenerative brain disease (look at the scans of depressed brain next to normal brain, and also research on suicide victims having less white matter in their brains). So our hardware is wired for suffering. This can be genetic or due to trauma. Just because my disability is invisible doesn't mean it's my fault.

The people that say this stuff don't know the science. Depression is the second leading cause of disability in the world. Who would choose it.

 

[Hurt]

I can't stop thinking of CTB. I wake up, my brain: CTB. I go to bed, my brain: CTB. Always in my mind. FOR YEARS

 

[lugerepair]

My therapist has helped and she doesn't say that. Instead, what she thinks is a better response is ''you're not allowing yourself to be happy"

That's not a better response. That's victim-blaming. Not to mention that it doesn't make any sense, it's incredibly cryptic. What does it even mean to "allow oneself to be happy"???? There are no action steps, the message is just "you're doing something wrong".

 

[one.way.out]

Yeah. I still think I deserve to die when I'm not depressed, so idk why people always tell me that.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

I had some therapists say this to me too, it's the most frustrating thing. I think it's just scary to them to agree with us that our lives are difficult, that things go badly for us, and that it's not so simple as "allowing ourselves to be happy." There's so many factors at play.

Something really helpful I read from a psych on reddit is that the behaviors and thoughts you have when anxious lead to anxious behavior. People notice this behavior, find you weird, and then you pick up on that and you feel like you were right all along. There's no point, things will always go badly, just look at what happened earlier, etc. Even though realistically, things might've gone ok if you hadn't given in to your anxiety in the first place. His exact phrasing was "you can be the cool person with a claw, or the weird, anxious person with the weird claw" (the claw being a quality you have, such as a disability or physical feature)

Anxiety and depression are really different ofc but I feel like that sorta thinking can help a bit. When we're depressed we do stuff that enforces our beliefs. We log onto SS, stay home all day, don't shower, quit our jobs, etc... then we're surprised and confused as to why our lives still suck, or get even worse. It does suck to be depressed, and for most SS users it will never go away. But we can take control of our lives so that we don't keep creating new reasons to be depressed, if that makes sense. You have no control over the fact that the thoughts exist, but you can control how you respond to them. It's not that you aren't allowing yourself to be happy either. Sometimes we need to process trauma or grief before we are ready to make the changes we need in our lives. Sometimes we need meds, or exercise, a change in environment, or some other vague random realization or whatever. It's not always just on you either, life does suck and unfortunately we don't live in a world that is sympathetic to us or our circumstances. I think it'd be easier to recover if that were the case.

That's just advice though. I don't really believe it either. Ultimately this is your life and you can make whatever choices you want. You have a lot of time to try things, work on stuff, and maybe change a bit. Maybe your life will change too, maybe you won't be depressed anymore, but no one can predict anything. We've all got a way out at least. I'm sure therapists and our loved ones would agree with our decisions if they knew the places it comes from. It's just that the issues of ethics, guilt, liability still exist.

 

[domedune]

To "you're not trying" and the like, fuck you. Yeah if so than maybe there's a damn reason? There are reasons people give up trying. I didn't pop out of the womb and think, consciously, "Yes, I'm going to make myself suffer." Some people would rather avoid the suffering that comes with trying then try, even if trying in the long run might yield results (sometimes, it doesn't). Dipshit commentary on a person's struggle.

That's why have a suicide plan. When I'm done trying, I'll leave. I won't have a therapist tell me "but noooooo please jump through these hoops or I'll guilt you nooooo".

 

[deflationary]

I've always hated that way of talking about depression, like it's some separate entity. Maybe it helps some people to conceptualize it like that and that's great for them but it's not *really* something that's separate from the rest of anyone's personality. It's just a label that people slap on specific negative parts of their personalities. Doesn't make it any less a part of them. Your personality is *all* you are.

Pushing that separate-entity way of conceptualizing things on everyone is what results in all depressive thoughts being handwaved away as irrational and sick and whatever. It's utter nonsense but you can't push back against it either because that would just be your depression talking

 

[littlelungs]

Lots of people try to say things in an attempt to make you feel better, but it often backfires and they just end up saying something ignorant, obvious or downright stupid that makes you wonder how they can even manage to make their cells divide.

People telling you that you're not trying hard enough have most likely never been clinically depressed, and they sure as hell don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. You can try to explain it as much as you're able, but some people just don't get it, and will continue to base their comments on how they see things – in this case depression – through the lens of their healthy mind and how it functions. What may sound incredibly simple to them, like "just trying harder" or "not letting it rule your life" (barf) can be an unfathomable feat for you. If it were really that easy to just "try harder" or whatever other kind of BS advice they're giving you at the moment, then you surely wouldn't still be depressed.

But it isn't that easy, and people need to quit pretending that it is, because it more often than not leads to feelings of failure and self-hatred/-blame for the person who is suffering from whatever it is they're suffering from (despite giving it everything they've got just to get some relief), and can act as a sort of fuel that only makes the depression even worse.

Also, whenever people say that (it's) "just the depression talking" or the extremely stupid variant, "depression is all in your head"... whenever I hear that, to me it sounds like a gross invalidation of what you're actually up against, as well as an attempt to minimize or to otherwise attribute very real concerns and feelings that you're struggling with to something that "they" (e.g. society, an unfortunate large number of health professionals, loved ones, etc) clearly don't understand in the first place... which is obviously great for them, but offering cookie-cutter advice, spouting the same old things we've heard a thousand times, or applying standard protocols without any real perspective or insight into what it's really like to struggle with oneself, in combination with very little regard for the affected person's individual situation, is often counterproductive. I wish I had solutions, but I don't. I just know that it's not working, and you don't have to be a statistician to recognize that.

... but maybe all of that is also "just the depression talking".

There's just so much wrong with how "we" as a society talk about and deal with those who are struggling with chronic mental and/or physical illness, and I'm so sorry that you've been victimized by this all of this bullshit rhetoric on top of the very real pain that you're going through. I can empathize with you completely.