Venting People in the West are too afraid to talk about death

[donewithyourview]

Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off having been raised in the East Asia and not brought here when I was a child. For people here, death is so rarely discussed, and almost always something taboo, something we have to avoid and deny for the pain to go away. I've been terrified of death and pain for so long, but I am tired of the shame and the confused, concerned, dangerous looks people give me when I bring up how much pain I'm in pretty much constantly.

I am so tired, mentally and physically, my body is failing on me, I've cut myself off from everyone that cares about me to save them the pain from being around me. My entire life has been full of nothing but back to back nonstop failures. I don't have a single good thing to say about myself, and it's all because I was born this way. Born ugly. Born different. Born mentally ill and neurodivergent. I have so many people I love with these traits but I just cannot cope with the fact that I am struggling. It hurts so much, and no one wants to hear it, so I hold it in until I snap. I can't hold down a normal job. I can't just be normal and try new things.

I am completely devoid of passion, life, and joy. My brain is simply incapable of feeling it, no drug on earth can reverse it. I'm too anxious. Assisted death or euthanasia should be available for everyone, free of charge, as long as they pass a mental evaluation stating that they are capable and mature enough to recognize their choice... I'm tired of being treated like I'm insane or childish for being so despondent everyday. Look at the world around us!! Especially over here in the US! I'm only 20 and the world is already falling apart, my friends are falling apart, everyone I know is doing very badly, we all have so much to worry about constantly. How am I abnormal? But my mind will always be fixated on the critics, on the people that call us weak, because I am just so tired of everything and trying to find the joy in things. Ive tried so many things.

So I dropped out of college. I got into a single college, out of dozens, somehow, after fucking it all up, and I still fucked it up anyway. Basically tossed my tuition into the trash. Spent all days and nights inside my house too afraid to go outside. Can never finish my shift at work, I'm on the verge of getting fired. Everyone knows I'm a wimp and a flake. Nervous and anxious constantly even when I'm safe. Everyone asks me if I'm ok until they start to realize that I'm just permanently like that, and then they just leave me alone because it becomes too much for them. I can't blame them, I objectively cannot blame them, and it's driving me nuts.

I feel so lost and afraid and alone constantly but I am too afraid of the unknown and of excruciating pain to die. I can't talk about it with anyone because they'll get concerned and stressed, and it's easier for me to just remove myself from my loved ones' lives than to bother them unnecessarily with problems they never consented to hearing about. I used to cry for weeks as a child because I was unable to comprehend nonexistence and death. God is not with me.

I want to kill myself to preserve the little scraps of what's left of my dignity and self-worth, like the Japanese samurais used to. That is something people in the West don't understand from people like me. There's something about inherently hating who you are from the beginning, wanting to kill that little child inside of you, wanting to smother his future into nothing. Sex does not help. Dating does not help. Drugs do not help. Medication does not help. Friends do not help. Family does not help. Travel? Music? Art? Work? Education? Exercise? None of it does a single thing for me, I have tried, I tried to cope for so, so long. For years, trying to find something, literally anything that would bring me stability and a moment of calm from the storm. But the only person that's left at the end of the day is myself. Curled up alone in bed, crying, lying there for hours staring at my ceiling doing absolutely nothing at all. I'm inherently broken. I'm a machine with defective parts. People like me I genuinely believe might benefit from simply closing their eyes and ceasing to exist, as I have thought every day of my life since age 14.

Looking back on my memories, they're all just scattered pieces of dull and upsetting events, and I feel like a coward for being so affected by them. This pain is unbearable. No one wants to hear me say any of these things. I don't care about myself or anyone else anymore. I'm lost in my thoughts. My loved ones will eventually die, my pets will die, we will all continue to suffer and be exploited by forces beyond our comprehension until the day we physically can't sell our labor anymore. I'm despondent. I've lost myself. I have no identity, sense of self, I just don't want to hurt anymore. But my attachments are too strong. I wish I'd been raised in the East so Buddhism would feel more natural to me, and maybe I could finally let go and let it happen.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really can be so painful and I'm sorry that you are in such an unbearable situation. I am also tired of everything and I just want to be free from this life. I do agree that euthanasia should be available for us all, it is cruel to expect people to suffer for decades against their wishes living an depressing existence. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do and I hope you find relief from your suffering.

 

[DarkFriend.]

I feel this so much.

I too have cut most off because most have only ever wanted to use me in life and I've more dignity than to subject myself to that, and the one's that do care about me are burdened by the energy I bring around I have more respect for them than to ail them with my company.

I too feel like we have been set up by life, if you will. First we're born through no action of our own and then additionally we are expected to toil our lives away in pursuit of some ever fleeing idea of happiness. It's despicable, really, and frankly massively disappointing that this is what life is.

I too despise those who call those in suffering weak, for it is easy to call others weak when they see what you do not. They'd rather not stare into the abyss, and would rather act like it doesn't and that this existence of ours is meaningful upon some universal scale.

In my case I have been able to find refuge in art, drugs, exercise, and study. Had I been unable I suspect I would have caught the bus long ago. So I empathize with your pain in not finding solace in any of these activities.

Contrary to popular opinion you are not weak but strong, stronger than most could ever hope to be. The mere fact that you're still here, locked in battle with your own mind is testimony to that. Those who've never fought this war have no concept of the difficulty of engagement. . . Merely waking up and seeing the sunlight is an order of conflict.

You are wrong in that no one wants to hear you say these things because I for one enjoy reading stories like yours. It's soothing to me to know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

I too believe that all people possess the right to extricate themselves from this plane of existence, if that is what they desire. I'm not sure if what I offer you could be considered hope, but perhaps perspective. You say that you've loved ones, and pets, and you do seem to care about them hence why you called them loved ones. You also said that your attachments are too strong for you to CTB right now. And you are most certainly right in that they will all die in due time, as will we all.

So if they're going to die, and your going to die, and everything and everyone will die . . Then why not gamble and see how things play out? By gamble I mean do whatever is that you've always wanted to but haven't for whatever reason. Anything. And if all that you want to do is CTB, well, then, maybe you'll finally be able to answer the eternal question as to whether there is something else out there.

 

[donewithyourview]

I feel this so much.

I too have cut most off because most have only ever wanted to use me in life and I've more dignity than to subject myself to that, and the one's that do care about me are burdened by the energy I bring around I have more respect for them than to ail them with my company.

I too feel like we have been set up by life, if you will. First we're born through no action of our own and then additionally we are expected to toil our lives away in pursuit of some ever fleeing idea of happiness. It's despicable, really, and frankly massively disappointing that this is what life is.

I too despise those who call those in suffering weak, for it is easy to call others weak when they see what you do not. They'd rather not stare into the abyss, and would rather act like it doesn't and that this existence of ours is meaningful upon some universal scale.

In my case I have been able to find refuge in art, drugs, exercise, and study. Had I been unable I suspect I would have caught the bus long ago. So I empathize with your pain in not finding solace in any of these activities.

Contrary to popular opinion you are not weak but strong, stronger than most could ever hope to be. The mere fact that you're still here, locked in battle with your own mind is testimony to that. Those who've never fought this war have no concept of the difficulty of engagement. . . Merely waking up and seeing the sunlight is an order of conflict.

You are wrong in that no one wants to hear you say these things because I for one enjoy reading stories like yours. It's soothing to me to know I'm not the only one that feels this way.

I too believe that all people possess the right to extricate themselves from this plane of existence, if that is what they desire. I'm not sure if what I offer you could be considered hope, but perhaps perspective. You say that you've loved ones, and pets, and you do seem to care about them hence why you called them loved ones. You also said that your attachments are too strong for you to CTB right now. And you are most certainly right in that they will all die in due time, as will we all.

So if they're going to die, and your going to die, and everything and everyone will die . . Then why not gamble and see how things play out? By gamble I mean do whatever is that you've always wanted to but haven't for whatever reason. Anything. And if all that you want to do is CTB, well, then, maybe you'll finally be able to answer the eternal question as to whether there is something else out there.

This was beautifully put. Thank you for putting value to my words. It feels strange to finally get it out and realize that I'm not the only one in the world that feels this hopeless.