Help people diagnosed with OCD, can you help me by telling me if you experience these symptoms?

[loslassen]

quite a random post compared to my usual postings, I know this is the suicide discussion section, and I know the question might come across as outlandish but let me explain.

I've been heavily suspecting I might suffer from ocd, but I am unable to get a diagnosis, I will not use the information or shared experiences I get from this thread irresponsibly, I will not self diagnose or spread any unrevised or unsupported/unsourced claims, I am well aware that superstition and suggestion partake greatly in how own views oneself, but I pm just trying to connect, understand, I want to use these answers to take some insight into myself and know a little bit more about what i'm going through and how others' perspectives can resonate with me, in short, im just looking for some answers.

I never consumed real life gore media, but I have seen some, and I'm glad to say i'm not desensitized from it so yes, it scares me and makes me incredibly uncomfortable and grossed out knowing that is a real sentient person who felt pain, timelessly captured in a video.

I am also very conscious of the differences between reality and fiction, gorey content has never enticed or scared me in movies or shows, never given me nightmares or anything alike, but recently, even though I haven't really watched anything of that nature in a while i've been feeling incredibly random violent urges or having violent flashing thoughts towards the people I love the most :( it's really scary and painful because it's just random, I don't imagine the consequences, and can't begin to imagine myself in the situation harming them, so I know I am not capable of that, but the mere thought coming across randomly makes me want to throw up.

why does this happen? I can't find anything sensible or understandable enough in the internet, and I suspect it may have to do with undiagnosed OCD I might be experiencing.

… do you experience this? how do you cope with it?

also, if you want to share personal experiences, how has this affected, increased or decreased your suicidal ideation?
for me it hasn't made much change, i haven't felt intrusive towards myself to a point to where it has genuinely affected me or my mental health.

(of course, there is a collection of other symptoms that i will list below that have made me believe I might have OCD, which has made it difficult to get through life. /you can skip this but just to inform there's other reasons that have made me suspect/

compulsive lying.
I lie to people confidently about small things, I don't know why I do it but I hate it. For example saying "Oh yeah I watched a movie about it, or I did my research" though I didn't, I remember lying about things when I was a child too, for example "I tried this chocolate called whatever" since I noticed this, I've been able to stop myself and this doesn't happen as often anymore.

repetitive mental speech.
sometimes I will repeat a word or phrase in my mind involuntarily, not like when you're reminding yourself of something you don't want to forget, sometimes I will randomly choose a word I just heard or thought and repeat it in my mind, for example. "whale, whale, whale, whale, wha-le, whale"
it can go on up to an hour and its like a voice in my head, but my own, not a hallucination or anything like that.

anxiety and fixation
I am generally a mentally anxious person, but Im sure this is because of conditioning and trauma, I'm always tense and on edge, specially alert and always making plans and arranging stuff in my mind.

childhood impulsiveness.
im impulsive a lot of the time, I remember biting a kid one time because I couldn't measure my own body and the way it affects others, growing up I also injured myself a lot cause I didn't have enough bodily awareness to calculate not hitting my head on my bunk bed for example, idk.)

 

[Achroma]

hey so i have very similar symptoms to what you described and i also dont have an ocd diagnosis, but i dont think i have ocd either
ive got friends with ocd, one of which i talked to a lot about this years ago, but he never described anything similar to these symptoms
of course it might just be that symptoms vary wildly from one person to another but im really not sure if my issue is ocd
this might not be particularly helpful but i figured itd be better than nothing
i suspect my issue is something else entirely, but i havent looked into it further and also never told my psychiatrist because it felt like not that big of an issue to me, and i also felt kind of silly about it
oh i do have autism though, which might help explain some of these issues. ive gotten that diagnosis quite late in my life too, only after i had already sought help for my various other mental issues, and i didnt believe it at first because i thought autistic people were like,, really weird. but it did make some of my experiences make a lot more sense suddenly.

 

[loslassen]

hey so i have very similar symptoms to what you described and i also dont have an ocd diagnosis, but i dont think i have ocd either
ive got friends with ocd, one of which i talked to a lot about this years ago, but he never described anything similar to these symptoms
of course it might just be that symptoms vary wildly from one person to another but im really not sure if my issue is ocd
this might not be particularly helpful but i figured itd be better than nothing
i suspect my issue is something else entirely, but i havent looked into it further and also never told my psychiatrist because it felt like not that big of an issue to me, and i also felt kind of silly about it
oh i do have autism though, which might help explain some of these issues. ive gotten that diagnosis quite late in my life too, only after i had already sought help for my various other mental issues, and i didnt believe it at first because i thought autistic people were like,, really weird. but it did make some of my experiences make a lot more sense suddenly.

thank you for replying <3

 

[Manfrotto99]

I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with ocpd, ptsd and gad. I think he may have some adhd too. Some of what you describe fits him. He isnt a compulisive lyer but can lie in order to avoid getting caught when he is trying to avoid something. I wouldn't say he is very impulsive. Diagnosis for ocd and ocpd is based on things like hoarding, perfectionism, obsession or fixation, avoidance, going over lists (written or in head), unrealistic fears such as germs, need for control, a miserly approach to money and distrust of others. He has all of them to varying degrees, depending on how stressed he is.

 

[loslassen]

I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with ocpd, ptsd and gad. I think he may have some adhd too. Some of what you describe fits him. He isnt a compulisive lyer but can lie in order to avoid getting caught when he is trying to avoid something. I wouldn't say he is very impulsive. Diagnosis for ocd and ocpd is based on things like hoarding, perfectionism, obsession or fixation, avoidance, going over lists (written or in head), unrealistic fears such as germs, need for control, a miserly approach to money and distrust of others. He has all of them to varying degrees, depending on how stressed he is.

thanks for replying!

I do experience intense perfectionism in my activities specifically art, I do digital art as an almost full time job.
it will genuinely stress me out and I won't complete a piece until it's perfect, even if it takes me months, if it's not turning out properly i will cry, get very frustrated or externalize it by smashing my screen.. (the last one more due to my hands sweating and giving me the worst sensory experience, i'm unable to control it and it slows me down significantly, affecting my productivity)
I also experience fixation, mostly over negative things rather than positive, such as one specific concern I am unable to get off of my mind. i also experience obsession but with topics i'm currently enjoying, as an artist it often sends me into a creative spiral where I only enjoy what i'm obsessing with and nothing else.
I'm not an avoidant person at all, I used to push people away, but after overcoming that fear, i honestly wouldn't consider myself avoidant.
I am going over lists in my head like, ALL the time, involuntarily, it frustrates me often and won't rest my head until those chores, activities or anything is over with.
I do experience a need for control all the time. mostly over miscellaneous things like day plans, my art, conversations, schedules, since my life is a mess of things that never turn out, that's why i'm so depressed, but the smaller things i have in my hands, they CAN NOT go wrong or the way I don't want them to without it affecting me physically, it makes me stress, get frustrated, restless, headaches, and even ill. I have been bettering with this, but it happens all the time still.
money doesn't mean much to me, this due to my high values and things learned at home, I don't expect anything back when I lend people money, and i wouldn't argue over it ever, I see it as a poor way of thinking.
I am heavy on the distrust to others though, even though i am direct and assertive, I will never show anyone the whole lot of me, I also have a very contradictory personality, values and approach on life, fortunately this hasn't cause me problems in life and i've never seen it as anything negative, but it's there.
I experience ptsd, specially recently. I can say this without a diagnosis idgaf, I'm irrationally on edge, react to certain stimulus that I relate to my trauma gravely, and I experience triggers from time to time, it makes me physically uncomfortable, and makes me want to cry.
a lot of these things make me react physically negatively and escalate on that, i don't have control over these things which has led my life to feel miserable, and affect me directly.


I mostly wrote this down to overview it myself, but what do you think?
I don't believe I have adhd at all, my mind is running all the time but I know that's because of stress, because when i'm having a good time I'm able to relax and lay back, I am able to focus and concentrate in activities, I memorize things easily and I rarely experience anxiety unless i'm breaking down, I have control over my body, and my way of being, demeanor and face, it just doesn't vibrate adhd, if that makes sense.
honestly, I might be autistic, though.

 

[VeryShy]

I suffer from very severe OCD for years, but I can't identify with all of the symptoms that you have mentioned. OCD for me comes as a consequence of autism and/or schizophrenia.

 

[Hanaga]

This doesn't sound like OCD.
Violent urges or thoughts - negative thoughts are normal, what's not normal is your reaction to them. All people have various thoughts - positive, neutral and negative. People tend to fixate on negative thoughts. By fixating on these thoughts, you are signaling to your brain that they are important, and they WILL resurface again because of your reaction to them. For example, thought "I want to murder my family." passes through you. You immediately concentrate on it and think about something like "Noooo I don't want to do it, I love them" and think even more about reasons why you would never do it. By doing this, you signal your brain to give you even more thoughts like that. You would never fixate on thoughts like "I want to spend time with my family. I want to buy ice cream" etc. That's just a random negative thought flowing through your brain, same as positive or neutral. That's it. If you wash your hands for five hours straight after a negative thought, I'd say you definitely have OCD.
Compulsive lying
Not an OCD symptom, more like pathological lying or desire to fit in
Repetitive mental speech
Sounds more like a habit.
Anxiety and fixation
Honestly it's a very common symptom for many mental illnesses and it may not be a symptom at all.
Childhood impulsiveness
Not an OCD symptom
Out of the limited things you wrote, I would say look more into ADHD and autism instead of OCD. My opinion is subjective and means nothing.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Very likely that you have a number of things going on and you wont know until you get properly assessed. Some people can develop ocd as a coping mechanism that masks something else like adhd or autism. But I would say you lean more towards ocpd than ocd and there can be some confusion between ocpd and autism. Maybe something like autism with ocpd tendencies, then again you also have ptsd and that confuses things too.