Pause on plan to visit gun range

[goosenoose]

Recent lurker / first time posting here. Warning re: ref self harm/suicide/methodology.

Had recently decided not to go through with plan to end my life.

It's ironically a little more depressing as it was probably the first good/clear plan I've had in a while and I've even failed at following through with that.

I had always intended that my death would at least be a productive one and had sorted insurance and automated death benefit notices for spousal benefit e-mails to go out on the day of my departure. Had intended to contribute to military veteran suicide gun death statistics and a petty/poetic stab at my Trump-idolising father by renting the same model handgun that he taught me to shoot on.

Though I'm safe now/not a risk at present to attempt now/in near future, I'm back to square one. Back to face the work/life problems I had before that have compounded a bit and just a dulled/robotic sense of duty to get after them. But I'm failing. And most of the things I'm doing don't turn out right or aren't making things better for my team.

Have recently turned attention to writing out some of the bad habits I've developed that probably are contributing to keeping me in this state. Less than good diet, exercise, sleep hygiene, and tech addictions. I probably need to seek out professional help as well I'm realising. I just feel that my reasons are pathetic and I should just get over them without getting to root issue. Which as I write it, definitely reads like a cart before the horse approach.

Starting another week in the hole. Trying to look up instead of down and around.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that this life can be tiring. I wish you the best with what you are doing.

 

[Cant go back]

Thanks for sharing and I hope you feel a little bit better at least. I appreciate how you want to make sure your family is taken care of.
I always thought about the gun range, I've been a few times but would worry that someone might stop me. I'm pretty sure they watch everyone like a hawk.

 

[goosenoose]

Thanks to you both. I don't feel any better per se, but I am alive. I've started looking at resources at work and figuring out working on those habits to give me a better foundation to work through my crap. It was a chat with a stranger online that really helped with the pause to be honest. Omegle topic chat -> Suicide. Some other person was planning as well.. but was a ways out than me. "2 weeks becomes 2 months becomes 2 years.. and so on" he said.

Re: gun range / being watched. It's a good thing to learn/practice gun safety when considering this methodology. It would improve your success I imagine with suicide attempt and more importantly avoid any possible collateral damage to others/property. And it's a bit interesting/fun to shoot targets. Furthermore, if you're in the military/emergency response career field .. 9 times out of 10 you'll get some sort of promotional discount.