Laststop
Experienced
- Jul 9, 2019
- 243
I know that the reasons I have for wanting the CTB are strong. The foundation for it is not weak. I'm tired of living with the hell that's been my life. I have the classic background of a shity, crazy, and abusive upbringing. Full of painful beatings and fears, and just abuse in many forms. And, the maybe unexplainable loss of a huge part of what is missing in a person when the people they were supposed to count on more than anyone else let them down, and not only didn't protect them, but hurt them. Along with the advanced age, with physical ailments starting to pile up. And not having the energy and endurance I once did. The loss of my job, and having only a little money I'm living on that's diminishing every day, thus leaving me with the realization I have to start over when I'm sore, tired, and have nothing left inside of me to burn to fuel anything.
I should be out looking for work, but I spend everyday avoiding everything. And I work at getting rid of all but the barest essentials. I want to be able to get rid of the last of everything fast, and move on, if and when the time comes. But as I do I keep finding things I haven't seen in ages. Or, I finally tough it out, and get rid of something I didn't want to early on with all this. And I get these flashes of what I felt like when things were at least a little better, and I had some hope. It makes all of this now that much sadder. I feel worst, and feel a pang of heartache for what was. My mind, before I can stop it, searches for that better time. To be able to live in it. I took down a poster of sea life in the back wall of my closet yesterday. I got it at a yard sale. I use to love to go out on Summer Saturday mornings and go to yard sales. I would look forward to it all week.
One of the reasons I had so much stuff to get rid of! But I can feel how I felt then. Younger, stronger, and felt reasonably sure of at least the level of stability in my life at the time. And I can remember it was cool, being early. I would go out, and have breakfast at my favorite restaurant, which just closed down, and go out treasure hunting. It seems like a good analogy actually. I would go out hopeful to find something. What was then and what is now makes for painful comparison.
I should be out looking for work, but I spend everyday avoiding everything. And I work at getting rid of all but the barest essentials. I want to be able to get rid of the last of everything fast, and move on, if and when the time comes. But as I do I keep finding things I haven't seen in ages. Or, I finally tough it out, and get rid of something I didn't want to early on with all this. And I get these flashes of what I felt like when things were at least a little better, and I had some hope. It makes all of this now that much sadder. I feel worst, and feel a pang of heartache for what was. My mind, before I can stop it, searches for that better time. To be able to live in it. I took down a poster of sea life in the back wall of my closet yesterday. I got it at a yard sale. I use to love to go out on Summer Saturday mornings and go to yard sales. I would look forward to it all week.
One of the reasons I had so much stuff to get rid of! But I can feel how I felt then. Younger, stronger, and felt reasonably sure of at least the level of stability in my life at the time. And I can remember it was cool, being early. I would go out, and have breakfast at my favorite restaurant, which just closed down, and go out treasure hunting. It seems like a good analogy actually. I would go out hopeful to find something. What was then and what is now makes for painful comparison.
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