Venting Past, present, and future—I hate them all.

[UtopianSoliloquies]

I just started university this year and I've come to feel more hopeless than ever. I'm attending a relatively prestigious university right now and, due to my immigrant background, my family thinks that that means I have a bright future and a promising career ahead of me. Yet that feels about as far from the truth as anything could get. I can barely maintain a passing grade in all of my classes and there is almost no way I will be able to get my preferred major next year. Hell, even if everything goes well, the thought of having to perhaps live another 60 years on this Earth is absolutely terrifying. I have absolutely nothing to look forward to of any magnitude in any timeframe; I've no plans with friends for the month, no goals I want to achieve in the year, and I shudder at what is to come in the next decade. When I look at the past, it's nothing but a string of failures—a record of me fumbling through every facet of life whilst receiving a few wholly undeserved strokes of good luck. My life in the current moment is nothing but monotonous motions repeated day to day, lined with minor stresses made unbearable by the absence of anything that might make life worth living. The future is just a Sophie's Choice between a serviceable income made through forsaking any possible joy in life and poverty. Just how the hell do people find anything but tedium and misery in this life? What kind of incomprehensible headspace must the average person be in the view suicides as a surprising occurrence? I have no reason to live but I've also not made as many preparations in terms of letters and deciding who will receive my belongings as I would like yet to fully commit to CTB. God, I hate it here.

 

[LetMeBeSad]

It's bullshit for sure. Tonight I was asked what makes me happy and I asked in return what does happiness even feel like. I got one of those looks the normies give you when you ask a question they don't have an answer for and they want to write it off as silly. I went to the hospital for the first time in my life last year and it was actually a reasonable experience. Didn't really help other than the initial manic period created by the meds they started me on. But, they signed a paper that gave me the ability to take a 3 month medical leave. That 3 months of having no professional responsibilities and still being able to pay my bills were easily the best of my life. I actually became interested in life again. I still didn't have much of any reason to live but, that breathing room enabled me to explore the idea that maybe life did really have something good for me. Then I had to go back to work and I devolved pretty quickly thereafter. I also hate the idea of being a fucking slave for some rich asshole to live his best life while I toil away in his tedious bullshit until I'm dead. All because I need to pay bills if I don't want to live in a worse fashion than I already am. Ridiculous.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing truly is so dreadful, it horrifies me the thought of potentially suffering in this existence for decades longer and it's certainly understandable just wishing to be free from this tiresome and futile existence. I could never understand how anyone could ever wish to meaninglessly decay from age at all.