Passive suicide is strange

[deletedaccount30982]

I'm not actively planning to try to kill myself right now. I'm suicidal but with no current date to sit down and do ctb. But I torture myself and have almost my whole life. It's getting worse and my body is very tired. At this point I think I may be in liver failure from microoverdosing on tylenol for a couple of weeks. That's just one of the many ways I've fucked up my body in the last few years. Every day I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. I've turned into a shell of a human being.

But the odd thing about it being a passive death by self harm and not an active suicide is that I haven't completely stopped living life. I have work to go to. I have school I still wish to do well in. My clothes are all to big on me anymore and I keep thinking about how I need to buy new ones. But every time a thought like that pops into my head I pause and think "I don't think I'll be alive long enough to bother with that". It's very odd. It's like an in between space between terminal illness and suicide. I am not fully in control of when it kills me, yet I have caused it to myself. I feel myself getting tired and weaker, but I continue to do things to make myself more tired and weak. My life span is getting shorter by the day, and I'm the one doing that to myself. It's very odd. My mind is a horrible place.

 

[LunarCharm]

I am exactly like this. I understand what you mean.
So many people here have death dates planned, and I'm simply stuck with minor things keeping me here suffering.
mostly my family at the moment, when I finally move out ill probably do a bit more things and then finally do it, but I'm just not too sure when.
at the minimum that leaves me a year left on my life, which just to say feels like hell.
passive suicide is so difficult.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

I am exactly like this. I understand what you mean.
So many people here have death dates planned, and I'm simply stuck with minor things keeping me here suffering.
mostly my family at the moment, when I finally move out ill probably do a bit more things and then finally do it, but I'm just not too sure when.
at the minimum that leaves me a year left on my life, which just to say feels like hell.
passive suicide is so difficult.

If you can at all avoid it please don't try anything like this. Severe self harm/passive suicide is hell on earth and no one deserves this torture. It's excruciatingly painful both mentally and physically. I know it's rather hypocritical of me to say but if you're able to I strongly encourage you to not do anything like this.