animism
at least I tried.
- Apr 15, 2023
- 18
Caution: very long.
I live in a domestic violence shelter. This is my first post here. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having a strong dose of fear with my morning cigarette and my coffee tasting like snot every day. If it's not one thing then it's another. And the past few weeks having to watch over my shoulder, expecting to get shot is just too much. I didn't come this far just to be brought down by crazy people. I need sleep. Like real uninterrupted sleep. I need to eat without the fear that someone snuck something in it. Someone stole my Mayonnaise. First it was sugar now Mayo and my dignity. Because it isn't about the Mayo but about being constantly disrespected while the staff just shrug their shoulders with "there's nothing we can do". It's the constant feeling of being outnumbered. I feel so small here. I feel so insignificant.
I've been here over 8 months now. I've been here longer than any of the residents and I'll be here after they all leave. I'm a child trafficking survivor. My mother trafficked me when I was 13 from Europe, dropped me off in usa and I had to figure it all out without knowing the language and I'm too tired of trying to figure it out. My life has been too hard just to now be stuck in an institution in a small racist conservative town full of people who hate me and are paid to pretend to care for me. I'm 36 now I think. Maybe 37. Details aren't important to me anymore.
I filed a police report yesterday because one of the old residents here has been threatening to shoot me for weeks. She was escorted by the cops few weeks ago and told to not come around. She came by yesterday with another resident, there are two of them involved, they've made a little gang. She threw her car in reverse to get closer to me and I ran back into the shelter as she was screaming profanities at me and the things she wants to do. I didn't stick around to find out because my dog was with me.
At this point I wish she would kill me. She will have to go through me to get to my dog. The past week I've been defeated but not scared when I'm alone outside. When Im with my dog I I'm scared and alert because she will hurt her because she knows she's important to me. I wish to CTB everyday.
I've been running all over the country for the past 6 years or so trying to get away from the ties my mother tied on me. They seem to be everywhere. Not people but restraints, societal ones, I don't have a legal ID so I haven't been able to work or get a car or an apartment or buy my own food. At least since I've been here the advocate helped me get food stamps and state health insurance so this is the first time in many years I'm able to get my own food and go to doctors but I'm afraid to walk to the store because there are too many crazy people here wanting to hurt me. And my heart isn't well. I'm so tired. The staff just shrugs their shoulders with "sorry didn't see anything so I can't do anything" and they're all old so it's not like they could really do anything anyway. Plus they vouch for each other. I was told that "we don't make petty complaints around here" when I was speaking up about the chick boasting a gun while her posse were in and out all night plotting revenges while staff slept and alarms were off. I was told many times to not talk because it makes the staff look bad. I can't even take my dog out to go potty at night. They won't let me. They let people go smoke and won't let my dog use a bathroom. This isn't fair.
I need to be able to use the restroom without dodging blood or feces or urine on the toilet seat or floors. I can't do this much longer. I found this forum and finally I'm able to feel understood. My phone will get shut off probably tomorrow though and the internet hasn't worked in over a month here. I'll again be completely disconnected from the outside world. Maybe it won't get shut off, I don't know, one of my old abusers is paying for it and that's a way to control me and it works. I didn't post or comment or even make an account until now, was just lurking, but so much on here is how I've been feeling my whole life and especially since I've been at the shelter. Finally an uncensored place for the dark thoughts to go. Finally a place where when I type the word suicide the hotline number doesn't show up. It feels like a safe place. Now I know that it's not potassium chloride but sodium nitrate I need, which is legal and easy to find, and how much and that gives me relief. This isn't an impulsive decision. I've been wishing to CTB since I was little because every aspect of my life has been controlled by other people who claimed to care and I've had no autonomy my whole life and still don't. Every immigration place my advocate reached out to either left us dry or ignored it or got our hopes up just to send a quick "good luck in future" text and I don't know what to do anymore because there isn't enough space in the immigration forms to explain why I don't have a valid green card anymore and why I need a new one. We are running out of options and asking people everyday if I can take my dog outside is demeaning. From my experience in the last 6 years when I met good meaning people wanting to "help me" they didn't actually want to help me, I was just something they can use and abuse.
I'm not going to live out there again on the streets if I get kicked out or if I don't get to have an independent life. They're all mad at me and I'm a burden to the good ones. They're trying so hard to help me and I'm making people worry and feel helpless. I'm done. I'm just done. I'm too tired to do it again. I'm too tired to drag my heavy backpack and my dog around and dodging the systemic potholes dug for me. I am a female. I'm too weak. I can't jump anymore. If I don't get help at the shelter I'm just done. I won't do anything while I'm here on their watch but at least I have a failproof plan B and that gives me more comfort than the false hope of possibly having my own future one day. I think the psychiatry was right this time, they have "seen cases like mine" and I'm "beyond help". 8 months is a lot. That's 8 months of constant shaking. I'm tired. I can't anymore. If you made it this far, thank you, that's more than most people in my life, they often give up on me the moment I start to complain. If you did make it to here I hope you have an absolutely lovely day and thank you for sitting with me here on this rock while I cry.
I live in a domestic violence shelter. This is my first post here. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of having a strong dose of fear with my morning cigarette and my coffee tasting like snot every day. If it's not one thing then it's another. And the past few weeks having to watch over my shoulder, expecting to get shot is just too much. I didn't come this far just to be brought down by crazy people. I need sleep. Like real uninterrupted sleep. I need to eat without the fear that someone snuck something in it. Someone stole my Mayonnaise. First it was sugar now Mayo and my dignity. Because it isn't about the Mayo but about being constantly disrespected while the staff just shrug their shoulders with "there's nothing we can do". It's the constant feeling of being outnumbered. I feel so small here. I feel so insignificant.
I've been here over 8 months now. I've been here longer than any of the residents and I'll be here after they all leave. I'm a child trafficking survivor. My mother trafficked me when I was 13 from Europe, dropped me off in usa and I had to figure it all out without knowing the language and I'm too tired of trying to figure it out. My life has been too hard just to now be stuck in an institution in a small racist conservative town full of people who hate me and are paid to pretend to care for me. I'm 36 now I think. Maybe 37. Details aren't important to me anymore.
I filed a police report yesterday because one of the old residents here has been threatening to shoot me for weeks. She was escorted by the cops few weeks ago and told to not come around. She came by yesterday with another resident, there are two of them involved, they've made a little gang. She threw her car in reverse to get closer to me and I ran back into the shelter as she was screaming profanities at me and the things she wants to do. I didn't stick around to find out because my dog was with me.
At this point I wish she would kill me. She will have to go through me to get to my dog. The past week I've been defeated but not scared when I'm alone outside. When Im with my dog I I'm scared and alert because she will hurt her because she knows she's important to me. I wish to CTB everyday.
I've been running all over the country for the past 6 years or so trying to get away from the ties my mother tied on me. They seem to be everywhere. Not people but restraints, societal ones, I don't have a legal ID so I haven't been able to work or get a car or an apartment or buy my own food. At least since I've been here the advocate helped me get food stamps and state health insurance so this is the first time in many years I'm able to get my own food and go to doctors but I'm afraid to walk to the store because there are too many crazy people here wanting to hurt me. And my heart isn't well. I'm so tired. The staff just shrugs their shoulders with "sorry didn't see anything so I can't do anything" and they're all old so it's not like they could really do anything anyway. Plus they vouch for each other. I was told that "we don't make petty complaints around here" when I was speaking up about the chick boasting a gun while her posse were in and out all night plotting revenges while staff slept and alarms were off. I was told many times to not talk because it makes the staff look bad. I can't even take my dog out to go potty at night. They won't let me. They let people go smoke and won't let my dog use a bathroom. This isn't fair.
I need to be able to use the restroom without dodging blood or feces or urine on the toilet seat or floors. I can't do this much longer. I found this forum and finally I'm able to feel understood. My phone will get shut off probably tomorrow though and the internet hasn't worked in over a month here. I'll again be completely disconnected from the outside world. Maybe it won't get shut off, I don't know, one of my old abusers is paying for it and that's a way to control me and it works. I didn't post or comment or even make an account until now, was just lurking, but so much on here is how I've been feeling my whole life and especially since I've been at the shelter. Finally an uncensored place for the dark thoughts to go. Finally a place where when I type the word suicide the hotline number doesn't show up. It feels like a safe place. Now I know that it's not potassium chloride but sodium nitrate I need, which is legal and easy to find, and how much and that gives me relief. This isn't an impulsive decision. I've been wishing to CTB since I was little because every aspect of my life has been controlled by other people who claimed to care and I've had no autonomy my whole life and still don't. Every immigration place my advocate reached out to either left us dry or ignored it or got our hopes up just to send a quick "good luck in future" text and I don't know what to do anymore because there isn't enough space in the immigration forms to explain why I don't have a valid green card anymore and why I need a new one. We are running out of options and asking people everyday if I can take my dog outside is demeaning. From my experience in the last 6 years when I met good meaning people wanting to "help me" they didn't actually want to help me, I was just something they can use and abuse.
I'm not going to live out there again on the streets if I get kicked out or if I don't get to have an independent life. They're all mad at me and I'm a burden to the good ones. They're trying so hard to help me and I'm making people worry and feel helpless. I'm done. I'm just done. I'm too tired to do it again. I'm too tired to drag my heavy backpack and my dog around and dodging the systemic potholes dug for me. I am a female. I'm too weak. I can't jump anymore. If I don't get help at the shelter I'm just done. I won't do anything while I'm here on their watch but at least I have a failproof plan B and that gives me more comfort than the false hope of possibly having my own future one day. I think the psychiatry was right this time, they have "seen cases like mine" and I'm "beyond help". 8 months is a lot. That's 8 months of constant shaking. I'm tired. I can't anymore. If you made it this far, thank you, that's more than most people in my life, they often give up on me the moment I start to complain. If you did make it to here I hope you have an absolutely lovely day and thank you for sitting with me here on this rock while I cry.
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