phoenixx
Experienced
- Apr 8, 2019
- 261
I found something I wrote back a couple of months ago and I'm planning on writing it out and including it with my suicide notes. I thought I would share it here too as it explain a little of why I'm planning on ctb.
"As I write this, I've come to realise that I do not have a bad life. It is me that's the problem, not my life. I am completely broken and won't ever be able to live a normal life, unless a miracle happens and my mental health issues disappear and I'm able to live my life as my true self. I doubt that will ever happen. I've been broken since the age of 13, possibly earlier. The main thing that broke me was the bullying at school, which started off my self harming which led to me attempting suicide. Another thing that broke me was the death of my grandparents, which to this day, it's still hard to think about. Since then, since my first cut at the age of 13, I have self harmed too many times, in so many different ways with cutting as my main method. I've lost count of the amount of times I've attempted suicide too. And since my early twenties, taking painkillers with alcohol has been one of my main sources of "happiness". I've lost count of how many times I've "overdosed". I used to do it almost every week when I could get my hands on strong painkillers. But now, if I'm lucky, it's just every few weeks. It's something I look forward to though, just a couple of hours of euphoria and happiness, where I forget everything.
These things in my life have affected me, a lot, life has been very bad at times, but right now, my life isn't bad. I mean, I don't have friends, I don't have a social life and I do the same thing everyday, but my life isn't a terrible thing. I have a great family. But I'm broken beyond repair. The past 11 years I've been destroying myself, I've been at war with myself. Fighting everyday. Thoughts filling my head on a daily basis. It's not life that's the problem, it's me. I'm the problem. So if I ever take my own life, its not because my life was horrible, it's because I was too broken. All the things that happened to me just broke me down. The death of my grandparents, the bullying I had to endure at school and other things, it all just broke me and ever since, I haven't been able to recover properly. Even 10 years later, I'm dealing with shit that was caused by that time. But I guess no one is to blame but myself. I was too weak and when I broke, I just couldn't put myself back together. I did try, very hard. But when you're this broken, it's almost impossible to recover. The people who broke me, I guess they are partly to blame. Look at what the did to me, look how they destroyed me. Yet they're happily living their lives to the fullest while I'm still struggling for what they did. If it wasn't for them, I would not have left school so soon. I would have finished school and I would have done something great with my life. If it wasn't for them, things would be so much different right now and I wouldn't be this damaged. So yes, they are partly to blame. Those people. The ones that hurt me and pushed me into such a dark place that all I wanted was to not be here anymore."
"As I write this, I've come to realise that I do not have a bad life. It is me that's the problem, not my life. I am completely broken and won't ever be able to live a normal life, unless a miracle happens and my mental health issues disappear and I'm able to live my life as my true self. I doubt that will ever happen. I've been broken since the age of 13, possibly earlier. The main thing that broke me was the bullying at school, which started off my self harming which led to me attempting suicide. Another thing that broke me was the death of my grandparents, which to this day, it's still hard to think about. Since then, since my first cut at the age of 13, I have self harmed too many times, in so many different ways with cutting as my main method. I've lost count of the amount of times I've attempted suicide too. And since my early twenties, taking painkillers with alcohol has been one of my main sources of "happiness". I've lost count of how many times I've "overdosed". I used to do it almost every week when I could get my hands on strong painkillers. But now, if I'm lucky, it's just every few weeks. It's something I look forward to though, just a couple of hours of euphoria and happiness, where I forget everything.
These things in my life have affected me, a lot, life has been very bad at times, but right now, my life isn't bad. I mean, I don't have friends, I don't have a social life and I do the same thing everyday, but my life isn't a terrible thing. I have a great family. But I'm broken beyond repair. The past 11 years I've been destroying myself, I've been at war with myself. Fighting everyday. Thoughts filling my head on a daily basis. It's not life that's the problem, it's me. I'm the problem. So if I ever take my own life, its not because my life was horrible, it's because I was too broken. All the things that happened to me just broke me down. The death of my grandparents, the bullying I had to endure at school and other things, it all just broke me and ever since, I haven't been able to recover properly. Even 10 years later, I'm dealing with shit that was caused by that time. But I guess no one is to blame but myself. I was too weak and when I broke, I just couldn't put myself back together. I did try, very hard. But when you're this broken, it's almost impossible to recover. The people who broke me, I guess they are partly to blame. Look at what the did to me, look how they destroyed me. Yet they're happily living their lives to the fullest while I'm still struggling for what they did. If it wasn't for them, I would not have left school so soon. I would have finished school and I would have done something great with my life. If it wasn't for them, things would be so much different right now and I wouldn't be this damaged. So yes, they are partly to blame. Those people. The ones that hurt me and pushed me into such a dark place that all I wanted was to not be here anymore."
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