Discussion Parents

[Amira]

Dont you ever feel so bad for having to hurt your parents when you CTB?

 

[[NoName]]

This is one of the main reasons I have trouble CTB.

Me killing myself would make them feel like a total failure as a parent. They blame everything on themselves.

 

[StillWaiting]

I feel bad for my dad. He always buy what I want. But none of the things can fill the empty heart of mine.

 

[15dec]

I feel bad for them both, mostly my dad

 

[Xerxes]

No, they're both dead.

 

[jade]

no, they never wanted me in the first place me and have ignored me and my feelings my whole life. feelings simply do not exist in this family, so i cant feel bad for them.

 

[johnny]

Yes this is the only thing holding me back. In a strange way I'm jealous of people whose parents are dead or out of the picture. Not that I wish mine were dead, I just wish I didn't have this obstacle holding me back.

 

[Severen]

Nah. Because the alternative to CTBing would be insane amounts of suffering and then death. So staying alive longer would be worse for my mom. And my father doesn't give 2 shits about me. If he finds out, I CTBed, he will just be like "Oh well."

 

[Zaynaldeen]

I do not care about my father, but I do feel bad for my mother. She lost her father 4 months ago, she blamed a ton of stuff on herself and couldn't get over the fact that he died. If I died, she will most likely blame herself and be extremely sad for the rest of her life. This is one of the main things holding me back.

 

[monobun]

I don't have a dad and my mom has never been really there for me, too busy living her life and making me more half-sisters. I only care about my grandma, she took care of me and paid for everything, but at the end of the day my grandma wanted a better daughter because my mom has been such a big "failure" in the family. I can't fill those shows and live up to her expectations and if anything it just made me have a complication with "failure". Once I ctb maybe it'll a last failure to them, but I'm so sick of it all let me fail, a last failure.

 

[Eren]

Yes it is the main reason why I do not do CTB yet, I feel really bad because they are not bad parents and do not deserve that suffering, but I do not want to live longer either.

 

[LiveSlowDieFast]

I don't think I can ctb as long as they live, honestly..

 

[samsays89]

I used to. But then they barged into the house I'm staying at while I was drunk and they said I needed to voluntarily commit myself or they'd call the police on me. They said someone saw me stumbling and vomiting outside and told the owner who told my ICE contact. I wouldn't care about police showing up except I know about puppycide so I said fine I'd go wherever.

To make a long story short, I didn't go through with it, and they wouldn't take me back home for hours. I had to call them every bad name in the book. (Cunt, whore, stupid manipulative punk, etc.) My aunt came to visit also so I told her I never cared about her, I was a sociopath, I lied when I said I wasn't drinking after my first psych stay. I don't regularly visit her and have always been withdrawn so it's believable.

Of course I do care and love them, but now they'll remember me as a horrible drunk. They'll blame the alcohol for me turning out this way. I just think it won't be as bad to lose a mean drunk in the family, than lose someone that seemed totally fine.

I just need to stay away from everyone on xmas, not answer texts, stop visiting my family, and just keep cussing everyone out.

If there is an afterlife, I'll explain I did it to push them away so the loss wouldn't be so hard. If there isn't (ideal scenario) then it won't matter.

 

[Comatose11]

They might be sad, but they'll move on very quickly.

 

[lost illusions]

Yes, my mom. Not only am her only son, I'm her financial support

 

[azucaramargo]

U

I feel bad for my dad. He always buy what I want. But none of the things can fill the empty heart of mine.

I would LOVE it if my dad bought me whatever I wanted. Man, so many material things I want!!!

 

[azucaramargo]

Yes, my mom. Not only am her only son, I'm her financial support

That is difficult, Lost Illusions. Does it not make you feel better that you can support your mom? I sucklive off my 70+-year-old parents, and I feel like such an a-hole for it.

 

[azucaramargo]

They might be sad, but they'll move on very quickly.

Comatose11, I was just thinking today that my parents would be so relieved. Of course, they would be stressed out about having to dispose of my body, but I honestly think they'd be relieved: no more worrying about their dysfunctional daughter; no more paying for her insurance premiums, psych meds, therapy; they could have their new house to themselves, and they'd just be left with two high-achieving daughters. Yeah, I think people would be relieved -- except for the fact of having to dispose of my body.

 

[Pegasus]

My parents were cruel to me. I owe them nothing.

 

[azucaramargo]

I used to. But then they barged into the house I'm staying at while I was drunk and they said I needed to voluntarily commit myself or they'd call the police on me. They said someone saw me stumbling and vomiting outside and told the owner who told my ICE contact. I wouldn't care about police showing up except I know about puppycide so I said fine I'd go wherever.

To make a long story short, I didn't go through with it, and they wouldn't take me back home for hours. I had to call them every bad name in the book. (Cunt, whore, stupid manipulative punk, etc.) My aunt came to visit also so I told her I never cared about her, I was a sociopath, I lied when I said I wasn't drinking after my first psych stay. I don't regularly visit her and have always been withdrawn so it's believable.

Of course I do care and love them, but now they'll remember me as a horrible drunk. They'll blame the alcohol for me turning out this way. I just think it won't be as bad to lose a mean drunk in the family, than lose someone that seemed totally fine.

I just need to stay away from everyone on xmas, not answer texts, stop visiting my family, and just keep cussing everyone out.

If there is an afterlife, I'll explain I did it to push them away so the loss wouldn't be so hard. If there isn't (ideal scenario) then it won't matter.

I'm dreading Xmas, too, Samsays89. Sounds like your parents really care about you; if they didn't they'd just let you self-destruct. I committed myself a year ago (via the emergency room), but no one came to visit. Your parents have not given up on you, and that should give you some hope. Just curious, why did you feel that you "had to" call them every name in the book? And, just curious, why did you feel the need to tell your aunt that you never cared about her? (no judgement, I'm just curious). Hope you are feeling ok, Samsays89.

 

[azucaramargo]

I don't think I can ctb as long as they live, honestly..

That is very kind of you. Humane, I guess is the better word. Maybe compassionate. Very cool.

 

[azucaramargo]

I don't have a dad and my mom has never been really there for me, too busy living her life and making me more half-sisters. I only care about my grandma, she took care of me and paid for everything, but at the end of the day my grandma wanted a better daughter because my mom has been such a big "failure" in the family. I can't fill those shows and live up to her expectations and if anything it just made me have a complication with "failure". Once I ctb maybe it'll a last failure to them, but I'm so sick of it all let me fail, a last failure.

I think a lot of us on here feel like failures, monobun. Why do you assume your grandma is disappointed in you?

 

[azucaramargo]

Yes it is the main reason why I do not do CTB yet, I feel really bad because they are not bad parents and do not deserve that suffering, but I do not want to live longer either.

You are kind to consider your parents in your plan, Eren.

 

[monobun]

I think a lot of us on here feel like failures, monobun. Why do you assume your grandma is disappointed in you?

Because I can't be want she wants me to be. My grandmother has readied her will and a lot of things will be left to me, including the house. Instead of my mom because my grandma just sees her as a failure. In my country you are supposed to (or rather it is demanded) that you bring your parents (or people who have taken care of you nice things) my grandma expects me to be something great that brings her all over the world, like my cousins or even my neighbors. The worst thing is usually compares me on how great our neighbor's children are or my cousins on how they "repayed" the hardship that their parents gave to them.

My grandma has been the parent in my life. She had high expectations for my mom but since my mom's life isn't it that great all that responsibility was put on to me. I need to repay my grandma for the life she gave me. I have to live up to our name and continue the house. I feel like the moment I was born this was already set in stone. I have all these expectations to be a great person but I'm not. This is all that I am. I feel like my life was never mine and killing myself, this "selfish" act is the only thing that could say that my life *is* mine.

 

[azucaramargo]

Do you live in Asia, monobun? I often fear that I've disappointed my parents, too; it's an awful feeling. Please don't feel bad, monobun. You are doing the best you can. And, I love you.

 

[gnrluver0105]

I only have my mom left, I really love her, and it's the reason I haven't ctb, bit lately I've been thinking in a plan of relieve the guilt, leaving at least some money so she could live without worries, if I can do that, I'm going to ctb, I mean, I love her, but my parents are at the same time, responsible for my weird personality and my social anxiety/awkward

 

[TAW122]

I feel some remorse, but I know that whenever someone passes, most people will naturally feel sadness and be hurt, there is just no avoiding that pain. However, I also cannot just live life fearing that whatever I do with my life will upset others nor would I want to live just for the sake of others.

Yes, my parents may be sad either way, so all I can do is to minimize the pain as much as possible.

 

[ausboy96]

I've made myself cry a lot recently thinking of how my mum will react to my passing. But I have to do it, there's no hope left for me.

 

[Muri]

No. They're old they'll die soon I'm more of a burden on them than anything else.

 

[TAW122]

No. They're old they'll die soon I'm more of a burden on them than anything else.

Same, my parents are both nearing retirement age, especially my father. I'm 28 and while a lot of people around me age have their own family or a partner, I'm a virgin so if I die, no one except for the people closest to me, immediate family, and of course virtue signalers (fake people who pretend to give a shit) will give a shit.