Parents Who Have CTB

[NekoNomNom]

If there are those here who are comfortable opening up about it, I would appreciate your insight:

Have you lost a parent to suicide, particularly at a young age? How did it affect you?

I have a son who is still fairly young, and I dread to leave him. He is the main reason why I've failed in my last few attempts. I fear what sort of impact my departure will have on him, since I have been the only present parent for him his entire life. We currently live with my grandparents, who will be his legal guardians should anything happen to me. So the only change for him would be my absence, which is obviously no small thing. I've left him a letter to read for after I've gone. I would like to think that he'll understand when he's older why I left the way that I did, should I go through with it.

I just don't even know what to do, anymore. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and perspective. Anything may help.

Thank you.

 

[Loner]

If there are those here who are comfortable opening up about it, I would appreciate your insight:

Have you lost a parent to suicide, particularly at a young age? How did it affect you?

I have a son who is still fairly young, and I dread to leave him. He is the main reason why I've failed in my last few attempts. I fear what sort of impact my departure will have on him, since I have been the only present parent for him his entire life. We currently live with my grandparents, who will be his legal guardians should anything happen to me. So the only change for him would be my absence, which is obviously no small thing. I've left him a letter to read for after I've gone. I would like to think that he'll understand when he's older why I left the way that I did, should I go through with it.

I just don't even know what to do, anymore. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and perspective. Anything may help.

Thank you.

I would like to know that as well. I worry about my child. That's why I am still here. I also worry about my husband. I don't want to live and I cannot die either. I just don't know what to do.

 

[NekoNomNom]

I don't want to live and I cannot die either. I just don't know what to do.

I completely understand. It's a difficult area to be stuck in; it feels like being in a limbo of sorts.

 

[Cancún]

yom muy triste dejar a mi hijo
hes 4 años

 

[leapyourbar]

I posted about this the other day, how I was feeling trapped. I lost my parent suddenly as a child. Not through suicide but there was no warning, one day they were with me the next they were gone. It really screwed me up and my mental health spiralled downwards from thereon. I refused to go to school, became detached and unmotivated and lost my way. The one person I could rely on and loved and trusted more than anything disappeared overnight and I couldn't understand it. Why me? Why my parent? As the years progressed I made stupid decisions because I had nobody to guide me. I became vulnerable and reckless and people took advantage of that. This messed me up even more. Assessments have time and time again pulled up that I am emotionally stuck at the same age as I was when my parent died. I am an adult, with the emotional maturity of a lost and confused child. It really sucks.

The above probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but I do have experience from both sides. I am a lone parent to 2 children. I just exist in this world to care for my kids. I have no life outside motherhood as I just don't know how to function. I put on a decent facade so that others I have to interact with for the kids sake can't see this, but I've had years to perfect it. I can't leave this world as I simply can't bear the thought of putting my children through the pain I have experienced. I am still coming to terms with it and it doesn't take the suicidal feelings away. Not a day goes by where I wish that I didn't exist. But I must carry on, as weak as I often feel.

I hope this gives you a little perspective. Take care

 

[NekoNomNom]

I posted about this the other day, how I was feeling trapped. I lost my parent suddenly as a child. Not through suicide but there was no warning, one day they were with me the next they were gone. It really screwed me up and my mental health spiralled downwards from thereon. I refused to go to school, became detached and unmotivated and lost my way. The one person I could rely on and loved and trusted more than anything disappeared overnight and I couldn't understand it. Why me? Why my parent? As the years progressed I made stupid decisions because I had nobody to guide me. I became vulnerable and reckless and people took advantage of that. This messed me up even more. Assessments have time and time again pulled up that I am emotionally stuck at the same age as I was when my parent died. I am an adult, with the emotional maturity of a lost and confused child. It really sucks.

The above probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but I do have experience from both sides. I am a lone parent to 2 children. I just exist in this world to care for my kids. I have no life outside motherhood as I just don't know how to function. I put on a decent facade so that others I have to interact with for the kids sake can't see this, but I've had years to perfect it. I can't leave this world as I simply can't bear the thought of putting my children through the pain I have experienced. I am still coming to terms with it and it doesn't take the suicidal feelings away. Not a day goes by where I wish that I didn't exist. But I must carry on, as weak as I often feel.

I hope this gives you a little perspective. Take care ❤

I'm at a crossroads, with many different directions and feelings.

My mom had an accident of sorts when I was 7 that changed her psychologically; she was a completely different person than who I knew, but for the worse. The mom who I knew and loved wasn't there, anymore. She was completely selfish to an abusive degree, and didn't care who she hurt. A lot of times she would wish herself dead, and after a while, I started to agree with her. I was so tired of the pain she was causing me; of having to constantly walk on eggshells around her. It was exhausting. Even after all this time, I just want my old mom back.

I had an aunt who died shortly after my mom's accident. We were very close. It was like losing two moms. It was hard trying to navigate my teenage years without her. I think that was the most difficult time. I was young enough when she died that being without her for so long was just...normal. Maybe that's what sort of conclusion I'm hoping my son will come to?

I am already turning into a completely different person because of this depression. It's always been there, but now I'm at an all time low. I was on top of *everything.* Completely responsible, mature, mostly independent. Now I struggle with even getting out of bed, which hasn't happened since I was 14. I don't want my son to see me continue to deteriorate and eventually be nothing more than a husk. I also don't want to cause him pain by leaving him.

I honestly don't know which is worse at this point.

I appreciate you opening up and sharing your story with me. My condolences to you. While I haven't physically lost my own mother, I do feel the loss of the person that she used to be, and miss that person dearly.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Your question has come up on the forum a lot, and when the site search is working again, you can see responses if you don't get many here.

Having grown up with regular physical and verbal abuse, and having PTSD, I've done a lot of reading over the past decade about healing from childhood trauma. If you're interested, the following is a summary of what I've learned as it relates to your situation, including with your own mother. I'm not trying to change your mind or make you feel guilty, your decision is your own to make. If you don't want to read the summary, no biggie. I put it in a spoiler in case you don't want to.

Wishing you the best. I empathize with what a difficult decision this is to make.

Spoiler

Lots of research of childhood abuse and abandonment shows that children tend to blame themselves as the cause for the parent's action -- they haven't yet individuated so that they understand that the parent did what they did for reasons that have nothing to do with the child. At a young age, the parent is the primary focus of their world, the attachment that creates security for functioning in an uncertain world, and when that attachment is insecure, the child is more likely to blame themselves for it as they don't yet have enough life experience or external points of reference to work out that the parent's separate experiences and history are the cause.

I've read over and over that a negative parental attachment (such as your mom changing, such as an abusive parent) is better than no parental attachment through abandonment or other loss, at least there is still some certainty, something grounding. Until the child individuates naturally, it's a loss that seems to shake the entire foundation of their lives.

At least with your mother, there was an external cause to explain how she changed. You could not have caused the accident, so while you miss the mother you used to have, and received abusive treatment as a result of the accident, there was nothing in the way of a child's self-referential thinking that could have made you the blame for her treatment, unless it was an event focused on you, such as taking you somewhere or running an errand for your benefit.

 

[SleeplessSoul]

My mum attempted a lot when I was child and was sectioned in front of me when I was 4/5? She survived but she was very emotionally neglecting. It has definitely impacted how I work with mental health services and relate to other people. We never had a relationship though so I think that might be where a lot of it came. She couldn't cope so I ended up raising myself and I was constantly terrified that she would do something. I don't think that helps but you can ask me any questions

 

[BeeLoyal]

If there are those here who are comfortable opening up about it, I would appreciate your insight:

Have you lost a parent to suicide, particularly at a young age? How did it affect you?

I have a son who is still fairly young, and I dread to leave him. He is the main reason why I've failed in my last few attempts. I fear what sort of impact my departure will have on him, since I have been the only present parent for him his entire life. We currently live with my grandparents, who will be his legal guardians should anything happen to me. So the only change for him would be my absence, which is obviously no small thing. I've left him a letter to read for after I've gone. I would like to think that he'll understand when he's older why I left the way that I did, should I go through with it.

I just don't even know what to do, anymore. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts and perspective. Anything may help.

Thank you.

My Grandfather ctb, my mother was about 20, she never really recovered from it, neither does she really understand why he did it.

 

[K-O]

hi there x
my mum has threatened it and also attempted all throughout my childhood until adulthood.. it was always a twisted dagger to the heart and created a pain chain..
but i know she is struggling and suffering so i have so much empathy and kindness towards her (althogh obv if has huge consequences) but my sister cut her totaly off.. everyone is different..
not long ago my uncle ctb and i imo he did it so his family wont have to endure his depression.. before that my grandad ctb imo he didnt want to be a burden (from a- hell not me point of view)
sometimes i wish my mum would have gone threw with it.. sometimes not.. being part of the familly machine is a mind\heart fuck.. you are not realy you innit.. i feel you.
i believe in freedom and honesty and not dong thing that contradict youre true self cause it always rears its head.. and children are v perceptive and pain cannot be hidden imo.. but i obv dont know u.. its v delicate..
i believe love does not disappear.. pain can convert to other emotions and actions.. but love imo is so pure and strong it will prevail evan if in an unconventional way..
wish u peace x

 

[Awayout]

I couldn't imagine ctb if I had kids, it would ruin their lives.

Not having kids is one of the many reasons why I'm going to ctb.