My father always seems to throw pissy tantrums, throwing nasty words around, and just ruining everyone else's day. Why? Because I had said I didn't believe in god or anything like that, and he gets mad, I say one thing that disagrees with his view, automatic name calling and telling me that "I'm disrespectful".
Every argument with him is just his way of justifying his right to emotionally abuse me. When he comes to apologize he starts with: "I'm sorry", and it seems genuine for a second, but then he goes, "but, you have to understand..." and then tries to explain why I'm at fault for his actions each time. I'm so tired of it. It's so emotionally exhausting having to keep with someone who can't admit he's in the wrong.
He did this when I had attempted suicide a few times or when he found out I was self harming. He got mad, threw a fit, came back and apologized, only to tell me that I'm at fault for his response. If I had a different father, I probably wouldn't find the need to CTB.
Last edited:
Reactions:
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj, Meditation guide, not-2-b-the-answer and 6 others
People that do this are narcissists and aren't genuinely sorry. They will never take responsibility for their actions and will always blame someone else; I'd say it's a pointless endeavour to argue with them unless you just feel the need to blow off some steam.
Reactions:
not-2-b-the-answer, sourcreamonion, PatheticGirl43 and 1 other person
I googled the definitions of apology and sorry, and giggled at the "learn how to pronounce" links, as well as the simple definitions. I just want to school your dad.
Have you ever seen the YouTube video of the guy who videoed his dad's narcissistic rant that went on forever, and included the enabling grandmother and somewhat boundaried mother? It has over 5 million views. I was a little twitchy the first couple of times I watched it, shades of my own family except the boundaried mother (my mom had narcissistic traits and my dad was the enabler), and shades of my own problems speaking at times as the son experienced. My mom would have raged more quickly, loudly, and aggressively, but the total unreason in the whole situation resonated so much.
Anyhow, curious how old you are. No worries if you don't want to say. I had the opportunity to emancipate at 17 and didn't take it, lived at home until 19, returned for a year in my early 20s, and lived way too fucking close by from my mid-20s to mid-30s. Finally moved to another state, my mom got pissy and held a grudge about it and they never visited in the following six years we were in contact.
Anyhow, don't want to derail your thread, but there's a spoiler if you're interested.
I visited a few times over the years for holidays, she told me not to come home for Christmas the final time after I'd already bought my plane ticket because she didn't want me to spend a few nights with my best friend's family (always such weirdness and resentment over that friendship because someone else had influence). Then we went mutual no contact a year later when I got a physical diagnosis of a lifelong back issue that confirmed abuse and asked for financial help. I was denied help, didn't talk for a few years. Then I made contact because I went to the slot machine of hope, and was sent an email: a brief update, permanently discarded for "blame games," a loving goodbye, and the nuclear family wagons circled against me (I'm an only child, adopted soon after birth), signed by my mother for her, my dad...and the dog and cats. I'd never even met the damn cats, and I'm pretty sure the animals didn't read over her shoulder and say, "Yeah, you got that right. Fucking tell her. I never liked that bitch anyway." The one who did knew to keep her mouth shut, I was the most awesome - not even exaggerating - but I wasn't there to give her kibble.
A few years later, I stalked my mom on Facebook, she'd finally made an account. Then months later, her profile photo was an old photo of her and I at a function! There were lots of reacts and comments, and in one comment she spoke for me, saying she and I still thanked that person for throwing the event. Oh hell naw. I took several days to cool off and process. I emailed her and gave her a week to delete the photo, or I would contact everyone who liked and reacted and tell them the actual status of our relationship -- old friends, extended family, people I didn't know, none if whom I'd been in contact with for years of those I knew. She immediately hid her friends list, and a while later replaced the photo as the profile pic but did not delete it. I waited. Two days before the deadline I'd given her, I emailed again, reminded her I wanted the photo totally deleted, and sent screenshots of the reacts and comments. Within an hour the photo was gone. I've never bothered to stalk since. For someone so honest and ethical, my parents really fucked themselves up saying I was still in their lives. It's been a few years, I wonder what lies they're telling now.
My dad is vehemently opposed to lying, I don't know how Mom convinced him to do it, even if he is an enabler and has less backbone than her. He hates me because I don't capitulate to her authority. Even when she and I would have fights and reconcile, he'd take way longer to warm back up to me, and they weren't even his fights. He was a cop and a good guy to everyone, but he never protected me, except a couple of ones when I was a kid, like one time when I was drowning, never from abusers. I was kicked out many times during high school, ran away others, vulnerable every time and as a cop he knew it, and I did get victimized once, and he lost his shit over it and added to it. A year after the Facebook thing, I did a voluntary hospitalization in a really creepy place that coerced me into involuntary, and I was being targeted for sexual assault by male patients, so against my better judgement I pulled that slot machine of hope and called my parents. My dad answered, I told him where I was and why, was happening, and that I needed help. He said, "What do want us to do? There's nothing more we can do." Then he asked me what I was in jail for?? (Figured out later about the caller ID, but still). I repeated where I was and why, said for the only time in my life to him, "Fuck you!" and hung up.
P.S. My mom always complained about how her mother never apologized to her, and yet she never apologized to me. And I was always the blame for the rages and beatings. I was the scapegoat for all family problems, and was regularly accused of trying to control them (begining at pre-school age) and trying to break up their marriage (beginning when I was in grade school). And I just realized how she used to insert herself between me and my dad, wouldn't let him help me with anything, and how she kept trying to insert herself between me and my best friend and try to bully me into ending the friendship in bizarre ways.
I googled the definitions of apology and sorry, and giggled at the "learn how to pronounce" links, as well as the simple definitions. I just want to school your dad.
Have you ever seen the YouTube video of the guy who videoed his dad's narcissistic rant that went on forever, and included the enabling grandmother and somewhat boundaried mother? It has over 5 million views. I was a little twitchy the first couple of times I watched it, shades of my own family except the boundaried mother (my mom had narcissistic traits and my dad was the enabler), and shades of my own problems speaking at times as the son experienced. My mom would have raged more quickly, loudly, and aggressively, but the total unreason in the whole situation resonated so much.
Anyhow, curious how old you are. No worries if you don't want to say. I had the opportunity to emancipate at 17 and didn't take it, lived at home until 19, returned for a year in my early 20s, and lived way too fucking close by from my mid-20s to mid-30s. Finally moved to another state, my mom got pissy and held a grudge about it and they never visited in the following six years we were in contact.
Anyhow, don't want to derail your thread, but there's a spoiler if you're interested.
I visited a few times over the years for holidays, she told me not to come home for Christmas the final time after I'd already bought my plane ticket because she didn't want me to spend a few nights with my best friend's family (always such weirdness and resentment over that friendship because someone else had influence). Then we went mutual no contact a year later when I got a physical diagnosis of a lifelong back issue that confirmed abuse and asked for financial help. I was denied help, didn't talk for a few years. Then I made contact because I went to the slot machine of hope, and was sent an email: a brief update, permanently discarded for "blame games," a loving goodbye, and the nuclear family wagons circled against me (I'm an only child, adopted soon after birth), signed by my mother for her, my dad...and the dog and cats. I'd never even met the damn cats, and I'm pretty sure the animals didn't read over her shoulder and say, "Yeah, you got that right. Fucking tell her. I never liked that bitch anyway." The one who did knew to keep her mouth shut, I was the most awesome - not even exaggerating - but I wasn't there to give her kibble.
A few years later, I stalked my mom on Facebook, she'd finally made an account. Then months later, her profile photo was an old photo of her and I at a function! There were lots of reacts and comments, and in one comment she spoke for me, saying she and I still thanked that person for throwing the event. Oh hell naw. I took several days to cool off and process. I emailed her and gave her a week to delete the photo, or I would contact everyone who liked and reacted and tell them the actual status of our relationship -- old friends, extended family, people I didn't know, none if whom I'd been in contact with for years of those I knew. She immediately hid her friends list, and a while later replaced the photo as the profile pic but did not delete it. I waited. Two days before the deadline I'd given her, I emailed again, reminded her I wanted the photo totally deleted, and sent screenshots of the reacts and comments. Within an hour the photo was gone. I've never bothered to stalk since. For someone so honest and ethical, my parents really fucked themselves up saying I was still in their lives. It's been a few years, I wonder what lies they're telling now.
My dad is vehemently opposed to lying, I don't know how Mom convinced him to do it, even if he is an enabler and has less backbone than her. He hates me because I don't capitulate to her authority. Even when she and I would have fights and reconcile, he'd take way longer to warm back up to me, and they weren't even his fights. He was a cop and a good guy to everyone, but he never protected me, except a couple of ones when I was a kid, like one time when I was drowning, never from abusers. I was kicked out many times during high school, ran away others, vulnerable every time and as a cop he knew it, and I did get victimized once, and he lost his shit over it and added to it. A year after the Facebook thing, I did a voluntary hospitalization in a really creepy place that coerced me into involuntary, and I was being targeted for sexual assault by male patients, so against my better judgement I pulled that slot machine of hope and called my parents. My dad answered, I told him where I was and why, was happening, and that I needed help. He said, "What do want us to do? There's nothing more we can do." Then he asked me what I was in jail for?? (Figured out later about the caller ID, but still). I repeated where I was and why, said for the only time in my life to him, "Fuck you!" and hung up.
P.S. My mom always complained about how her mother never apologized to her, and yet she never apologized to me. And I was always the blame for the rages and beatings. I was the scapegoat for all family problems, and was regularly accused of trying to control them (begining at pre-school age) and trying to break up their marriage (beginning when I was in grade school). And I just realized how she used to insert herself between me and my dad, wouldn't let him help me with anything, and how she kept trying to insert herself between me and my best friend and try to bully me into ending the friendship in bizarre ways.
I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that, that sounds so stressful I couldn't even imagine living in that type of household. And I agree, I've tried to school my father on how to properly apologize without becoming the victim and it always backfired, his fits are very similar to the video you mentioned (I have watched it, I could very much relate to the guy as he constantly stuttered to reiterate his points, living with narcissists does not allow you to form your sentences fluently when they're always interrupting).
I'm in my 20s and it's so much easier to fight my narcissistic father when he is miles away, a simple call between us can go a long way in any direction. I wish I had the opportunity to ever be emancipated, however, all hell would break loose if I even tried, so oddly I waited until I hit 18 to escape to a whole different country for university, hiding it under the guise of "studying abroad". Similar to your mother, my father tried to break that plan down and figure out a way to make me stay as a literal slave to his narcissistic behavior.
I can very much relate to the scapegoat of the family. I was the oldest of their kids, a lot of unneeded responsibility was shoveled onto me and they'd blame me for things I could not control or couldn't control at that age.
I'm only in contact with them because I somewhat care for them, perhaps it's because my mom has been trying her best to keep it together when my father would be a complete asshole. I feel like if your mother wasn't such a wall between you and your father's relationship, you guys would have a capable relationship. I'm just glad you were able to remove yourself from that situation.
Ah, the classic and dismissive "sorry you feel that way" phrase is the go-to saying for most narcissistic parents. Mine constantly try to guilt trip me into agreeing with their points made in their own apology, it's funny in a sense.
Reactions:
GoodPersonEffed, not-2-b-the-answer and Never Free
Ah, the classic and dismissive "sorry you feel that way" phrase is the go-to saying for most narcissistic parents. Mine constantly try to guilt trip me into agreeing with their points made in their own apology, it's funny in a sense.
A psychiatrist I had said it too. It's a way to take no responsibility, and accountability. No accountability. It's like thanks, but I own my feelings.
He got mad, threw a fit, came back and apologized, only to tell me that I'm at fault for his response. If I had a different father, I probably wouldn't find the need to CTB.
He is definitely a narcissist and it will help you if you watch some videos on youtube about narcissists. This is what they do, what you describe. I feel bad for you having a father like that.
My father got mad at me and yelled at me when mother had to have her gallbladder removed so I know what it's like to be the family scapegoat. No matter what it was it was my fault.
This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
