Venting Parents - Have They Caused How You Feel?

[TheQ22]

I wonder how many of us feel crap and or useless/worthless/depressed or anything else because of the messages our parents or other authority figures have filled our heads with regarding who we are and what we're worth?

I'm not just meaning bad parents who are really abusive, I mean also if your parents give you the impression that you're going to fail in life, career, in general?

I'm asking because it's come clear to me over the last year or so that a lot of the negative feelings I have about myself are from what other people have made me believe, in my case my dad in particular.

He's from the kind of school of thought that you have to know your place, you're down here and "the boss" or someone with money and resources is "up there" and you'll always be where you are because that's your place.

I remember some specific things he's said when I was younger, and then he did it again yesterday - they've been badgering me to get my act together (and they're right I needed to) and get some money coming in, and I think I've got a way to do it, in fact I'm sure I am on the right lines now it's quite a clever way to find new customers, but I'm going to have to phone them - cold call them - which can be quite daunting.

So I told them what I'm planning on doing to get more customers and no sooner have I finished speaking than my dad says "It won't work, they won't want to pay enough, they'll want it doing for nothing, it won't be worth it, etc."

I felt my heart sink and just felt like - feck, I'm going to fail again and make a fool of myself in the process. Then I thought he's doing it again, straight away telling me I'm going to fail so I got quite cross with him, then he's "ooh calm down, there's no need for that"

Thing is he never achieved anything - my sister is minted and they live rent free in a house she owns - he has literally nothing, no money, fecked up his pension so gets nothing. And he's telling me what I'm worth.

Now I'm finding myself following in his footsteps, and funnily enough he told me a while back his dad was the same with him - nothings ever good enough, you won't amount to anything, etc.

Anyway I think you need to keep negative people like that out of your life, or learn to ignore them, I wish I'd worked this out 30 or 40 years ago.

 

[airboy_a380]

I know how you feel, my parents don't believe I'm depressed, instead they just call me lazy, besides trying to commit suicide around 5 times. Besides being called by the Dr himself and told them I was sick. They still don't get it. I worked for one of the best companies in the world. But now for them I'm just a failure cause depression took over and I can barely leave the house. I've told my dad once I wanted to jump off a bridge and he told me just to do it then. so I don't expect any help from my parents anymore.

 

[TheQ22]

I know how you feel, my parents don't believe I'm depressed, instead they just call me lazy, besides trying to commit suicide around 5 times. Besides being called by the Dr himself and told them I was sick. They still don't get it. I worked for one of the best companies in the world. But now for them I'm just a failure cause depression took over and I can barely leave the house. I've told my dad once I wanted to jump off a bridge and he told me just to do it then. so I don't expect any help from my parents anymore.

Sorry you're going through that, you'd think parents would want to understand and help, but I guess at the end of the day they are just people like everyone else. Parent is just an honorary title no one actually earns before they get it.

I can't make my mind up if they don't realise how much they hurt their kids, or if they do it deliberately or subconsciously to make themselves feel better.

 

[airboy_a380]

It's ok, I'm numb now, we barely talk to each other. Not the best environment but eh. What to do... the only thing they do for me is buy the medicine I need.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I can't make my mind up if they don't realise how much they hurt their kids, or if they do it deliberately or subconsciously to make themselves feel better.

I guess it is a bit of both, also it depends on a particular situation. Some parents genuinely believe they're being helpful, but lack the empathy and flexibility to understand they really aren't. That seems to be the case with your dad. Some parents don't really care if they're being helpful or hurtful, they are venting their own frustrations, and some might even feel jealous of their adult children and deliberately say things to undermine their success to make themselves feel better. You're absolutely right, parents are just people, they aren't any wiser or kinder just because they're parents, they are flawed just like everyone else.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

My dad definitely played a role in how I feel. He has always been very emotionally cold, distant and quick to anger. I always wondered why my dad didn't seem to love me yet my uncles (his brothers) were so kind to my cousins. My dad is one of those people who think that you can accomplish things with hard work but truth be told he came along right place right time. The same education and job for him then is vastly different and impossible for me now. He berates me for never making anything if myself, he says I "did it to myself" about the severe abuse and trauma I endured with my ex and he invalidates my struggles and mental and physical issues. To him depression=lazy anxiety=excuses. He always reminds me what a failure I am and how stupid it was for me to leave a job in that was making me more suicidal. He knows I'm suicidal and I have begged and begged him to help me financially because money would save me short term and since he is so we'll off but he just refuses...it's like he doesn't care if I ctb.

 

[Superdeterminist]

They have definitely contributed to it, but how much, I cannot say. For most of us they are a big part of our environment so it's likely to be one of if not the biggest factor, but are probably not 100% of the cause.

 

[TheQ22]

some might even feel jealous of their adult children and deliberately say things to undermine their success to make themselves feel better.

I think this really hits the nail on the head for me. When I was about 19 I was just passing my college qualifications as an electronics engineer, I was the youngest in my year at school so was passing at quite a young age. I remember saying to them "I can't wait until I've finished this (it had been really hard, lots of maths, etc), I'll be able to go onto full pay then and earn £XXX per week".

He. Went. Nuts. "£XXX per week! You're living in cloud cuckoo land. Q22 you'll NEVER earn £XXX per week. I've been working 30 years and I earn less than £XXX per week, blah blah blah".

My mother in the background chirping away repeating what he said. I was dumbfounded. I said "It's nice to see you're so supportive and want the best for me"

And he backed down then and said I hope you do earn that, but I don't earn that, blah blah.

I think it hurt his pride and that's why he lashed out at me, but it really hurt and really stuck with me. I think it's why i've suffered imposter syndrome, any job I've had that was half decent I've been a nervous wreck waiting to "get found out" and I've kind of sabotaged myself - whenever things get too good I'm just waiting for it to go wrong and so I end it myself before it can fuck up when I least expect it.

 

[airboy_a380]

My dad definitely played a role in how I feel. He has always been very emotionally cold, distant and quick to anger. I always wondered why my dad didn't seem to love me yet my uncles (his brothers) were so kind to my cousins. My dad is one of those people who think that you can accomplish things with hard work but truth be told he came along right place right time. The same education and job for him then is vastly different and impossible for me now. He berates me for never making anything if myself, he says I "did it to myself" about the severe abuse and trauma I endured with my ex and he invalidates my struggles and mental and physical issues. To him depression=lazy anxiety=excuses. He always reminds me what a failure I am and how stupid it was for me to leave a job in that was making me more suicidal. He knows I'm suicidal and I have begged and begged him to help me financially because money would save me short term and since he is so we'll off but he just refuses...it's like he doesn't care if I ctb.

your dad looks like a copy of mine. Except mine does buy me my medication. The rest you mention, right on spot.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm not just meaning bad parents who are really abusive, I mean also if your parents give you the impression that you're going to fail in life, career, in general?

Yes and it's very hard to overcome that. When you are small and young you take everything very literally your parents tell you and it is hard wired into your brain. It can destroy a life.

It's taken me a lifetime to finally realize just how destructive my parents were to me in some ways. I wish I had understood it all much earlier and possibly could have dealt with it better.

He always reminds me what a failure I am and how stupid it was for me to leave a job in that was making me more suicidal. He knows I'm suicidal and I have begged and begged him to help me financially because money would save me short term and since he is so we'll off but he just refuses...it's like he doesn't care if I ctb.

I assume from what you say about him that he is a narcissist. It would help you a lot to learn all about this. I suggest seeing some youtube videos so you can understand what motivates him to do this. All you said is very typical of a narcissist and how they act to others. Learning about this mental aberration is a key to learning how to cope and deal not just with him, but with your own life and how it has affected you being around him.

I spent my life wondering what was wrong with my parents and now I know. And it would have been the key to a much better life had I known then what I know now. Watching a lot of excellent youtube videos on narcissism has explained all the mystery of my life problems.

I think it hurt his pride and that's why he lashed out at me, but it really hurt and really stuck with me.

He's a narcissist. I know that for a fact. Learn about this. It can save you. Youtube and see all the excellent videos on this so you know what you are dealing with.

 

[malcontent]

Sorry to hear that your father's very negative :/ What he said about his own father being the same, that reminded me of my own situation. My dad's kind of like that, he's fearful and stressed most of the time, so quite a negative presence in the house. He also complained of much of the same things about grandpa... I'm sure genetics play a big role in it too, but one can't discount the effect of environment. It's a bit tragic, the passing down of neuroses from one generation to the next. I hope you can find a way to prevail, OP.

 

[TheQ22]

Sorry to hear that your father's very negative :/ What he said about his own father being the same, that reminded me of my own situation. My dad's kind of like that, he's fearful and stressed most of the time, so quite a negative presence in the house. He also complained of much of the same things about grandpa... I'm sure genetics play a big role in it too, but one can't discount the effect of environment. It's a bit tragic, the passing down of neuroses from one generation to the next. I hope you can find a way to prevail, OP.

I think there's a lot of learned behaviour

 

[rt1989526]

I grew up in a very negative environment and my parents made it hard for me to fit in socially. Now as an adult I am very negative and struggle to fit in socially. Funny how that works.

 

[bravotess]

As a parent it's really hard to read this thread. I have no control over my emotions or my mouth. This proves, once again, my kids will be better off without me. Hugs to all with shitty parents. Most of us parents did our best. We all struggle with demons. Sorry that sometimes we can't overcome them, even for our kids.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

my mom is much better than my dad, but that's not saying much. not abusing your kids (at least, anymore) is the bare minimum. she doesn't even acknowledge any of this, and just tells me that that's how some people raise their kids.

thanks to them, i can't properly process negative emotions because they'd raise hell every time i did. i can't bring myself to hate my mom, though.

 

[Starseedchip]

Sorry you had to live with that. I recently heard a woman say "the voice in your head telling you your not good enough, that's your parents". My mother is the main reason my life has been filled with suffering. Unfortunately it took me too long to find the courage to stand up for myself. In my personal opinion %99.9 of people have no business raising children.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

so I got quite cross with him, then he's "ooh calm down, there's no need for that"

Anyway I think you need to keep negative people like that out of your life, or learn to ignore them

Another option is when they become aware of that behavior, you can gently point it out to them. Then if they still don't see it, or aren't willing or capable of changing it, it's wise to protect yourself and your serenity by keeping them out of your life or ignoring them.

 

[overcomingfear]

Yes. Uncaring dad that hit me a few times when i was like 2 - i don't know how much effect that had on me, grandma told me this. Overprotective mom that still wants me to stay a baby it seems. Even parents that are loving don't explain real adult life to kids when its time, i think that's the case for a lot of people. They don't care enough

 

[TheQ22]

It's really silly how little things to other people can have massive long term effects on you.

I remember one time when my mum and dad and mum's sister and her husband had been out drinking and I was sat with them in the kitchen when they came back.

My dad took off his belt and folded it in half and kind of pushed the ends together so the middle bulged out, then told me to stick my nose into it.

I didn't want to but he said go on, it's okay, so I did and he then pulled the ends so it snapped onto my nose. It shocked me and probably hurt and I cried, and they all sat there laughing.

I felt humiliation and deep sadness because i had trusted him and he'd lied to me and hurt me for fun. Ifelt unloved in that moment.

But the moment doesn't just stop there, at such a young age it becomes a deeply learned part of who you are, your value, and what to expect from other people, especially those you trust the most.

It wasn't even that painful probably, (I can't remember any pain, only the feelings and humiliation and thinking they must not like me to do that). They weren't abusive parents it wasn't constant pain, that was a one time thing- well among other sporadic but not so bad stuff - I feel bad even mentioning this because I know others have been through so much worse.

But at that age I was probably 3 or 4 years old. 47 years later, I feel it has been a part of what shaped me and my feelings about me, and has probably contributed to the shitty path I've taken through life.

 

[overcomingfear]

feel bad even mentioning this because I know others have been through so much worse.

doesn't make it less traumatic for you. i feel sorry for you, its hard to read this, i feel the same way. most relatable post i've read on this site

 

[Shades of Grey]

As a parent it's really hard to read this thread. I have no control over my emotions or my mouth. This proves, once again, my kids will be better off without me. Hugs to all with shitty parents. Most of us parents did our best. We all struggle with demons. Sorry that sometimes we can't overcome them, even for our kids.

For whatever it's worth, I don't think any of this proves that your kids are better off without you in their lives. We're all human, we all make mistakes... parents included. There is no perfect parent. They don't exist. If you are struggling with issues like regulating emotions or controlling what you say and feel that this may be adversely affecting your kids, it's okay to be open with them in an age-appropriate way. Let them know that your outburst (or whatever the situation may be) may have been directed at them, but wasn't about them. Take responsibility for it. Acknowledge that the behavior was hurtful/inappropriate, and that you are making an effort to do better.

I grew up with an individual who likely (per professionals) has NPD. While that person will probably never take responsibility for their actions, I think that it would have helped immensely to just to have had someone acknowledge that what was happening wasn't appropriate and wasn't about me. Otherwise, I think the nature of children often is to internalize.

Anyway, sorry for all the blathering... all that to say, I don't know you personally, but would bet that your kids are NOT better off without you. Mental health concerns do not have to mean poor relationships with damaged children.

 

[SipSop]

I wonder how many of us feel crap and or useless/worthless/depressed or anything else because of the messages our parents or other authority figures have filled our heads with regarding who we are and what we're worth?

I'm not just meaning bad parents who are really abusive, I mean also if your parents give you the impression that you're going to fail in life, career, in general?

I'm asking because it's come clear to me over the last year or so that a lot of the negative feelings I have about myself are from what other people have made me believe, in my case my dad in particular.

He's from the kind of school of thought that you have to know your place, you're down here and "the boss" or someone with money and resources is "up there" and you'll always be where you are because that's your place.

I remember some specific things he's said when I was younger, and then he did it again yesterday - they've been badgering me to get my act together (and they're right I needed to) and get some money coming in, and I think I've got a way to do it, in fact I'm sure I am on the right lines now it's quite a clever way to find new customers, but I'm going to have to phone them - cold call them - which can be quite daunting.

So I told them what I'm planning on doing to get more customers and no sooner have I finished speaking than my dad says "It won't work, they won't want to pay enough, they'll want it doing for nothing, it won't be worth it, etc."

I felt my heart sink and just felt like - feck, I'm going to fail again and make a fool of myself in the process. Then I thought he's doing it again, straight away telling me I'm going to fail so I got quite cross with him, then he's "ooh calm down, there's no need for that"

Thing is he never achieved anything - my sister is minted and they live rent free in a house she owns - he has literally nothing, no money, fecked up his pension so gets nothing. And he's telling me what I'm worth.

Now I'm finding myself following in his footsteps, and funnily enough he told me a while back his dad was the same with him - nothings ever good enough, you won't amount to anything, etc.

Anyway I think you need to keep negative people like that out of your life, or learn to ignore them, I wish I'd worked this out 30 or 40 years ago.

Omg... my dad is the same.
I cannot call him a father. I wanted to change my name too because how disgusted am with him.
He also didn't achieved anything in life and lives alone in a house he received from his father. He is unemployed, ans complains all the time how others are thiefs but he lies all the time and exagerates every claim he makes, talks with autorithy about everything even if doesn't know the subject. I once wsnted to show him my business project in 3D grsphics. Thing that I researched for months to have a clue what is going on. And he begined to lecture me on that too!!!
He also told me when I was a child that I destroy everything I touch, that I am retarded, and I will end up on the streets because I am good for nothing. To a child!
I blame them! I blamed my mother also that she left him abuse me mentally day and night and beat me like a pig. Whe I was not eating all the food e would just take the belt and I was hiding udber the table waiting in terror to be beaten, my mom was looking helpless because she was dependent on him. He made her so bu she could have left but she didnt. So he gtabs my leg and drags me from udner the table and begins to beat me while I struggle. I reminded recently to my mom about this, now that I am aware that I am how I wam because of them! She said that it wasnt that bad and that I exagrate it.
He has sudden outbursts and rages and he told us what to do every time keeping us in fear but I realised that he did it becaus ehe live in fear. Those rages are filled with pure hatred and I DONT UDNERSTAND WHY!!! My god...
I wish I was different. I know I had potrntial to be better.
I beginned to cry when a pastor was treating his mildly retarded son like a normal boy!
He was also taller and now I somehow expect conflict from everybody. But I choose to obey in order to minimise the co flict so I was a good boy when I obeyed them but now that I speak my mind as a adult of 25 who lives alone I am suddenly a bad person.
Why I have to suffer this?
I cannot connect emotionally with everybody because my emotions are weak because only conflict and fear, constsnt fear, was normal in my home.
He ruled with a iron fist and mocked me in front of others, how I look, and what I think. Even if I am more rstional thst he is.
It makes me so sad how they abused me.
I left home on the window because he broke drunk into the room I was in becaue I didnt wanted to open the door.
He played with my mind and lied all the time. That is the msot dsmsging. My gut feeling is so destroyed I didnt felt my emotions, I didnt had a opinion till I was in my 20. Brainwashed, I was so afraid to think bad about him.
I wish I had ...
This is cruel.
I know this is not normal, they normalised it. They said, everybody does it.
I have a sister. She lives with my mom but you know how it is, women have it easier in everything. Relationships and work. She doesnt need to have a great job because she can find somebody anytime. But for a man, you need to have soemthing going for you and be confident in your powers. What power when that guy treated us like his bitches all our lives...
I had to just shut up and deal with it or I would be mocked and humiliated. I didnt received any guidance, advice about life or kindness from that monster.

Omg... my dad is the same.
I cannot call him a father. I wanted to change my name too because how disgusted am with him.
He also didn't achieved anything in life and lives alone in a house he received from his father. He is unemployed, ans complains all the time how others are thiefs but he lies all the time and exagerates every claim he makes, talks with autorithy about everything even if doesn't know the subject. I once wsnted to show him my business project in 3D grsphics. Thing that I researched for months to have a clue what is going on. And he begined to lecture me on that too!!!
He also told me when I was a child that I destroy everything I touch, that I am retarded, and I will end up on the streets because I am good for nothing. To a child!
I blame them! I blamed my mother also that she left him abuse me mentally day and night and beat me like a pig. Whe I was not eating all the food e would just take the belt and I was hiding udber the table waiting in terror to be beaten, my mom was looking helpless because she was dependent on him. He made her so bu she could have left but she didnt. So he gtabs my leg and drags me from udner the table and begins to beat me while I struggle. I reminded recently to my mom about this, now that I am aware that I am how I wam because of them! She said that it wasnt that bad and that I exagrate it.
He has sudden outbursts and rages and he told us what to do every time keeping us in fear but I realised that he did it becaus ehe live in fear. Those rages are filled with pure hatred and I DONT UDNERSTAND WHY!!! My god...
I wish I was different. I know I had potrntial to be better.
I beginned to cry when a pastor was treating his mildly retarded son like a normal boy!
He was also taller and now I somehow expect conflict from everybody. But I choose to obey in order to minimise the co flict so I was a good boy when I obeyed them but now that I speak my mind as a adult of 25 who lives alone I am suddenly a bad person.
Why I have to suffer this?
I cannot connect emotionally with everybody because my emotions are weak because only conflict and fear, constsnt fear, was normal in my home.
He ruled with a iron fist and mocked me in front of others, how I look, and what I think. Even if I am more rstional thst he is.
It makes me so sad how they abused me.
I left home on the window because he broke drunk into the room I was in becaue I didnt wanted to open the door.
He played with my mind and lied all the time. That is the msot dsmsging. My gut feeling is so destroyed I didnt felt my emotions, I didnt had a opinion till I was in my 20. Brainwashed, I was so afraid to think bad about him.
I wish I had ...
This is cruel.
I know this is not normal, they normalised it. They said, everybody does it.
I have a sister. She lives with my mom but you know how it is, women have it easier in everything. Relationships and work. She doesnt need to have a great job because she can find somebody anytime. But for a man, you need to have soemthing going for you and be confident in your powers. What power when that guy treated us like his bitches all our lives...
I had to just shut up and deal with it or I would be mocked and humiliated. I didnt received any guidance, advice about life or kindness from that monster.

I fucking losing it mates.
I'm sorry you had to read this, I found a place to vent.
What you tell your children becomes their inner voice. I have this in the back of my mind, waiting to tell me how I amount to nothing, waiting to put me down when I already down and stops when I accept it. I always fought it but life normally beocmes harder with age and it is not that difficiult but I have to spend all this energy fighting this negative inner voice. But I just cant anymore. And it stops whrn I am just depressed. He was always talking also all the time. Even if you were interested or not, he was forcing himself in conversation, talking all the time negative things. This is not normal and my mom should ha protected us.
Is just, I do not want to die. This my onlu life but I do not want to live with this burden also. I am decent looking and reasonably smart but Im just tired to live in fear. To carry this fear with me all the time. This negativity.
I do not want to die. I want a good life like others have.
I just needed to speak my mind. You can just skip this if its too much for you.
I apologise.

 

[Leshen]

Well, yes because I was an accident and even from a young age I knew my parents didn't want me. I was a nuisance, a burden - especially my dad just straight up ignored me. I'm in my 30's now and still feel sad when I see fathers hugging their kids, talking to them, playing, laughing. I've never had that.

I think having good, loving parents is detrimental to our mental health, nothing can fuck you up as much as childhood neglect and trauma.

 

[chicken_hole]

Kinda changing the topic here but am going wrong to mad at my parents to bringing not 1, not 2, but three little humans into this world while they were not emotionally or financially stable.

So I am stuck here working a stupid minimum wage job helping my dad with bills and not doing anything with my life.

College was already too expensive so basically have no idea what to do.

Rant over