Parental and worldly abuse

[Disintegration]

Anyone else feel that the majority of their issues stem from abuse? I know that my issues are derived from my parents abusing me physically, mentally and emotionally. Not to mention, as an extension of their actions, the world and other people abusing me on top of that. I can only do so much to take personal responsibility for my life and actions, to a greater degree my dysfunction can be explained by the maltreatment I've received since my conception. I even feel bad suggesting that this could be possible because I've been guilted into believing that what my parents have done is acceptable behavior and that I'm to blame for everything. I know that this is the reason for the majority of my psychological issues and I feel that it is an important topic to discuss for some people to find healing and closure.

I've even witnessed a former friend of mine abuse his kids, much in the way that I imagine he was abused as a child. It only makes sense that parents hand down a similar style of parenting from one generation to the next. It's really sad when the cycle continues ad nauseum, at some point the chain must be broken, someone needs to acknowledge it and take personal responsibility to end it by not procreating. Unfortunately, society and religions encourage making babies even if the environments are detrimental to the wellbeing of the child being introduced into the world.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Yup. Mine do. Abused till around the age of 12. Didn't learn the basics every child should learn from their parents. I really struggled to understand and deal with other people, because I know in my head what is expected from me in a certain situation, but my reaction is often far different. That makes people avoid me, and that really hurts. Because I had such a childhood I want to help others, even in my professional life I was a caregiver. But somehow I get scared of someone wants to care for me. It's so difficult to trust....

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Your first paragraph I really resonate with,
All issues have to have a starting point, and it seems abuse in some form or another is the one of the main causes of this. I have C-PTSD from the abuse I have suffered over the years, which is now reflected in my parenting, (something I have written about on here a few times)
Yes parents who were abused are liable to abuse their own children, simply because it's all that they know at the time, they may know deep down its wrong, but when you have seen no other way, its hard to comprehend doing thing's differently, it's not as simple as just do the oppositie, because what is the correct opposite
I have wobbled down the wrong parenting path, have finally been corrected, but old habits die hard, and its the emotional side I am screwing my children on, my own mother hated me, but thats the one thing my children won't get from me.
This is part of the reason I am on the path I am on now though, the abuse that I got, (sexual, emotional, physical, mental) and the abuse and hate I still get, I just can't fucking escape it

 

[Disintegration]

Your first paragraph I really resonate with,
All issues have to have a starting point, and it seems abuse in some form or another is the one of the main causes of this. I have C-PTSD from the abuse I have suffered over the years, which is now reflected in my parenting, (something I have written about on here a few times)
Yes parents who were abused are liable to abuse their own children, simply because it's all that they know at the time, they may know deep down its wrong, but when you have seen no other way, its hard to comprehend doing thing's differently, it's not as simple as just do the oppositie, because what is the correct opposite
I have wobbled down the wrong parenting path, have finally been corrected, but old habits die hard, and its the emotional side I am screwing my children on, my own mother hated me, but thats the one thing my children won't get from me.
This is part of the reason I am on the path I am on now though, the abuse that I got, (sexual, emotional, physical, mental) and the abuse and hate I still get, I just can't fucking escape it

Please understand that I don't mean to harshly criticize parents that do the best they can to raise their kids given difficult circumstances. I'm not condemning people that have kids in less than desirable circumstances and still give it their all to love their offspring. I've never had kids, so I can't really speak to how difficult it is to raise them. I empathize with your situation and I'm glad you can at least acknowledge your behaviors and understand where they most likely come from. That, in and of itself, is progress to ending the cycle.

What really bothers me are those that are willfully ignorant of the issue at large and continue to harm children.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've been guilted into believing that what my parents have done is acceptable behavior and that I'm to blame for everything.

Yeah, my parents believe that the abuse was acceptable, and that it was my fault, when in fact any supposed behavioral problems stemmed from the abuse, not the other way around. I never bought into the narrative that it was okay for my mom to rage, I always knew that it was verbal abuse, and eventually realized the physical abuse was in fact abuse and not discipline.

Sorry you've been guilted into the belief it was acceptable, though it sounds like you're struggling more with the guilt that was meant to negate you, rather than having actually bought into the belief.

 

[Disintegration]

I've been guilted into believing that what my parents have done is acceptable behavior and that I'm to blame for everything.

Yeah, my parents believe that the abuse was acceptable, and that it was my fault, when in fact any supposed behavioral problems stemmed from the abuse, not the other way around. I never bought into the narrative that it was okay for my mom to rage, I always knew that it was verbal abuse, and eventually realized the physical abuse was in fact abuse and not discipline.

Sorry you've been guilted into the belief it was acceptable, though it sounds like you're struggling more with the guilt that was meant to negate you, rather than having actually bought into the belief.

I agree

 

[Final Escape]

Anyone else feel that the majority of their issues stem from abuse? I know that my issues are derived from my parents abusing me physically, mentally and emotionally. Not to mention, as an extension of their actions, the world and other people abusing me on top of that. I can only do so much to take personal responsibility for my life and actions, to a greater degree my dysfunction can be explained by the maltreatment I've received since my conception. I even feel bad suggesting that this could be possible because I've been guilted into believing that what my parents have done is acceptable behavior and that I'm to blame for everything. I know that this is the reason for the majority of my psychological issues and I feel that it is an important topic to discuss for some people to find healing and closure.

I've even witnessed a former friend of mine abuse his kids, much in the way that I imagine he was abused as a child. It only makes sense that parents hand down a similar style of parenting from one generation to the next. It's really sad when the cycle continues ad nauseum, at some point the chain must be broken, someone needs to acknowledge it and take personal responsibility to end it by not procreating. Unfortunately, society and religions encourage making babies even if the environments are detrimental to the wellbeing of the child being introduced into the world.

Yea this was why I decided against having kids. At least I wasn't having them if I had no access to therapy beforehand. I knew I was fucked up or confused about a lot of things. I didn't want any kids to go through the same misery I did because of my own ignorance. Not having kids is not necessarily the best route but the risk in my opinion of having kids that resent me because I'm abusive without really realizing it. That was really hard for me to accept. If your kid resents u the odds are u did not meet their needs correctly in those early years. You have to earn the kids love, your kid doesn't owe you jack shit. Childhood is a prison and this is why u have to be a decent parent because the kid has no choice. They did not choose you to be their caregiver, so they are at your mercy.

 

[Disintegration]

Yea this was why I decided against having kids. At least I wasn't having them if I had no access to therapy beforehand. I knew I was fucked up or confused about a lot of things. I didn't want any kids to go through the same misery I did because of my own ignorance. Not having kids is not necessarily the best route but the risk in my opinion of having kids that resent me because I'm abusive without really realizing it. That was really hard for me to accept. If your kid resents u the odds are u did not meet their needs correctly in those early years. You have to earn the kids love, your kid doesn't owe you jack shit. Childhood is a prison and this is why u have to be a decent parent because the kid has no choice. They did not choose you to be their caregiver, so they are at your mercy.

I decided against having kids too, but when I was younger I thought I wanted them. So glad I never did, knowing what I know now.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

How cognitive dissonance justifies abuse to the abuser:

Spoiler

The Relevance of Cognitive Dissonance Theory to the Movement to Ban Corporal Punishment

Project NoSpank is the Web presence of Parents and Teachers against Violence in Education, PTAVE, a nonprofit organization advocating for the fundamental right of all children to grow and learn in environments that are without violence and for their legal protection against assault and...

www.nospank.net

Several years ago, I shared this with my father, who was my mother's enabler, and who agreed with her methods and that I was deserving of the abuse masked as correction. Of course it didn't get through to him, but I learned a lot from it with regard to how cognitive dissonance made me an enemy and wrong in the eyes of my parents, because the alternative, that they were the ones who were wrong and acting with enmity, was intolerable to them.

 

[Final Escape]

I decided against having kids too, but when I was younger I thought I wanted them. So glad I never did, knowing what I know now.

I regret not having them but if my circumstances had been better, I would have felt more confident about it. I was not bringing kids into poverty and dysfunction. The single parent welfare trap did not look like fun at all, but many people thought it was just fine and dandy lol! Until your kid ends up with problems once they hit the teen years.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

Yea this was why I decided against having kids. At least I wasn't having them if I had no access to therapy beforehand. I knew I was fucked up or confused about a lot of things. I didn't want any kids to go through the same misery I did because of my own ignorance. Not having kids is not necessarily the best route but the risk in my opinion of having kids that resent me because I'm abusive without really realizing it. That was really hard for me to accept. If your kid resents u the odds are u did not meet their needs correctly in those early years. You have to earn the kids love, your kid doesn't owe you jack shit. Childhood is a prison and this is why u have to be a decent parent because the kid has no choice. They did not choose you to be their caregiver, so they are at your mercy.

You have worded that well.

I hate the fact that good parenting standard is a roof over your kids head until they are 16.
My parents were both ignorant and clearly now had mentally health issues and with being only just moving to adulthood themselves. Mum carelessly fell down the stairs with me when I was 9 months, I found out from other relatives if it was indeed sinister that it would've likely been to stop my dad leaving her.
Unfortunately I don't think post natal depression was known back then. My being born caused every party to suffer but my mum had it the easiest when they finally divorced when I was 16 my father was very emotionally abusive die to his trapped circumstances. And resents me because I wasn't worth the wasted years, he just had hoped he could put food on the table, drink and stay quiet and I would turn out fine. Unfortunately I mentally developed slower than others so I was 16 before we started to properly talk and that didn't last long because as a typical parent would refuse to acknowledge I had any disabilities or health problems and now I go to the ground with no apology from him. Like many a times I've apologized unecessarily for being a bad son, just because I'm a waste of space. But I've had absolutely no effect on his life for 3 years, I live 40 miles away FFS. I'm treated and spoke about like the worst son that lived because i lacked grit, he should be proud because I've probably inherited that from him. I lived with him till I was kicked out at 21 because I would mostly stay in my room all day. He discarded of me without hello my situations. The only thing he did help was a little support from him when I was battling alcoholism, to which he looking back is partly to blame because he he blamed me for his alcoholism.
All his friends that are my age are stuck up mummies boys that have never known suffering. My dad knows suffering to an extent but not a broad package as he was Molly coddled by his mum until I was born, but he isn't a scrounger I do respect him for.
And hate that I unconditionally love him if that makes sense. I wish I could've let go of this before checking out.

 

[Life sucks]

Yes, many things actually are abuse. Many humans are toxic and whatever they do affect us in many bad ways. Parents specially has much possibility to affect children negatively. I think many of our problems are because of abuse. It affects the abused ones mentally and damages them. Sometimes the negative effect is not noticeable which is dangerous, some people would accept that what happened is normal while its not. Abuse is the root of many problems that happens in the future.

Personally, I have a long story of abuse. My parents abused me so much physically and mentally as a child and I escaped to other places which unfortunately was with other abusers(teachers). After childhood, it was not physical but they kept damaging me psychologically to no end. Now I'm isolated and don't contact them much. I think maybe I overcame some parts but unfortunately I'm a mess of mental illnesses and its too late.

 

[Orpheus*]

Please understand that I don't mean to harshly criticize parents that do the best they can to raise their kids given difficult circumstances. I'm not condemning people that have kids in less than desirable circumstances and still give it their all to love their offspring. I've never had kids, so I can't really speak to how difficult it is to raise them. I empathize with your situation and I'm glad you can at least acknowledge your behaviors and understand where they most likely come from. That, in and of itself, is progress to ending the cycle.

What really bothers me are those that are willfully ignorant of the issue at large and continue to harm children.

One of the worst parts is how people act like family is all important no matter what, you should love them no matter what. People really doubt the existence of emotionally/verbally abusive parents, especially mothers. I'll tell people about things she did and they'll be like "but she's your mother, and she loves you!" Her being related to me doesn't mean jack shit and how can you abuse someone you love? The idea of family being everything is so deeply ingrained in like every culture across the world that even when you try to explain it to people they totally write you off. Nobody believes it was that bad. Abuse is 100% a choice and I don't believe in the cycle of abuse myth that people are abusive because that's what they learned. Abusers get off on what they do and if you've been abused you should know better than anyone not to do it. So many of the general ideas surrounding abuse are so offensive.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Sustaining abuse and trauma that altered my perception of life is probably my number 1 reason for ctb. Because of it I have no future, can't have stable relationships, can't work, and life just all around isn't sustainable.

 

[departing]

Parental abuse and peer bullying wrecked my life. I have vivid memories of both taking place and the thoughts are sometimes hard to shake.

 

[littlemisssunshine]

Sustaining abuse and trauma that altered my perception of life is probably my number 1 reason for ctb. Because of it I have no future, can't have stable relationships, can't work, and life just all around isn't sustainable.

I relate to this so much x

 

[Green Destiny]

I hope i'm not out of place with my experiences here, I was never abused physically but I think mentally I was put through the ringer growing up. My parents got divorced when I was very young and the years after were extremely tough on me and my siblings. My mom let a boyfriend she knew move in and while he never hurt me or my siblings, my mom and him fought CONSTANTLY ever other day for years. I grew up around yelling, screaming, doors slamming, walls banging and had the cops show up and even a visit from children services.

I know for a fact that this traumatized me mentally and emotionally and has permanently effected my overall state as a person. One thing's for sure, i'm never having children for them to suffer through what I did or worse, not worth the trouble and pain caused for them in the long run.

 

[gus.nixon]

I spend way too much time thinking about what my life would have been like if I hadn't been physically and sexually abused by my mother. I'll be 49 soon, I have no children of my own, and I still wonder how hard it would have been for my mother not to have done what she did. When I was 30 I desperately wanted to get help and I felt an overwhelming need to be understood by others, so I spent several months and gathered up the courage necessary to tell my family everything. I had fantasies in my mind about what this exchange of ideas would be like; in my mind I was surrounded by family who congratulated me for being so brave and honest. I imagined my family lifting me up with love and support and assuring me that I was safe. Unfortunately, life has a way of not meeting one's expectations. I was called a liar and told not to make up stories to justify my bad choices in life, which included dropping out of university some years ago and having no ambition. In that moment 18 years ago, a large part of me died. That sounds hyperbolic and overly dramatic, but seriously, a mental switch flipped positions inside my mind that day and I was a changed man. To this day, my family is happy and "normal" by all accounts, it just doesn't really include me. There doesn't seem to be any room in my family for a liar and a loser like me. Last week I found out that my sister had a baby recently. This is like the biggest and happiest news that my family has ever got (my sister never knowing if she would be able to have children due to medical circumstances). My mother I hear is a overjoyed grandmother now. I found out by a third party. Sometimes in life, some of us never really had a chance.

 

[itsamadworld]

I have BPD, and was abused growing up. I knew when I was quite young that I was unfit to be a mother as I would most likely be abusive due to MI. So I never tried to start a family..... Plus, mental illness runs in my family, and I don't want to roll the dice, and potentially saddle a child with BPD or any mental illness/ defect of any kind..the constant fear,depression, and Just how intensely I feel these emotions. It's a tormenting condition! I would never want to inflict this disease, or that disease on anyone, and I don't want to hurt an innocent child....it seems like life itself is a disease, so I think the children I don't have are thankful that my conscious wouldn't allow me to procreate...the Earth is just a tough rock to live in...