Small word of caution . A thread called breeders was recently locked due to it getting very heated.
That was a provocative title and OP were incendiary and directed at anyone who ever procreated. Of course some members were going to take offense.
If members take offense to this thread, then I think they've been abusive and/or abused and refuse to face it and so want to defend the abusers and abuse being discussed here.
Any abuser/abuse apologists show up here, I'll fight them.
For some reason I dont possess the same grace that you do about it though.
Could be because your parents are far worse than mine? Mine were not monsters, there is a lot of good in them, I have some good memories and had some advantages, they did make some sacrifices for me. I would say my mom was a 40% good mother, and my dad I don't know, he was distant a lot, he just didn't show up for me. Both were better when I was an adult, but my mom never stopped trying to control me, especially with emotional blackmail, and the worse she got and the more I stood up to her, the more my dad closed up and hated me, he had no emotional capacity to manage the complexity. She did some outright wtf shit and always has, and yet she comes from a false sense of moral rightness, so she convinces herself she's doing right even when the evidence says otherwise and she doubles down.
But yes, she has always been against my own autonomy, since I was an infant. The rages were triggered by my defending my autonomy, my separateness from her, my need to get out of the goddamn house and be around and even get support from other people besides just
her. She beat me for that. She tried to sabotage relationships. She refused to visit me and affirm the life I'd built when I moved to another state. When they discarded me, she made up a more acceptable version of me who is still in contact and presented that to neighbors, friends, and extended family. I wanted to be close to her, but she wanted to be close to someone I wasn't, someone submissive, so she tried to beat and gaslight me into submission. It's really sad and crazy-making.
Sounds like you experience full-on narcissists. Honestly, I have compassion for whatever warped them. I had an ex-boyfriend who was a sociopath and I can see how his father intentionally warped him by abusing, gaslighting, making crazy, and discarding his mother. But I still get angry when I think of him because the abuse toward me was so overt and intentional. I only now have compassion because there is so much distance between us, both that he is physically far but also that decades have passed. These things are boundaries. I've also done a ton of work on self boundaries. Brené Brown says her research shows that the most boundaried people are the most compassionate, and I'm finding in myself that is true. I hold and maintain my boundaries when they are under attack, and I enforce them when needed. Then, as Brené says and is also right about, I don't resent people because I let them get away with things. I keep my power, and I allow them to have theirs, just not power over me.
The book Boundaries really helped me a lot. I still use it and just did recently when someone was attacking my boundaries IRL. I did everything I needed to, stayed calm, present, and resolved, set the boundary and then the consequences, and the person disengaged. The consequences are very clear if she chooses to reengage and act the same way. I gave her choices, and if she acts outside of them, there are things she will naturally lose as a result, not as punishment but rational natural consequences. And I do not hate her, even though she treated me with hatred. It's taken a lot of work to get to that point, really good work, and it paid off. I hope whatever you seek for yourself that you find the external and internal resources to accomplish it.
I think the anger and hatred are perfectly natural. Anger is an alert that boundaries have been and are being violated. The more you are safe and can protect yourself, perhaps the less you'll need anger and hatred to support you. Personally, my compassion comes from a place of strength, not pity, which weakens me and says to lower boundaries. I still have some anger and it tells me to not let them back in and to not capitulate. I'll likely always have some anger towards them, and I think it's healthy. I just don't let it drive my actions so that I cross lines as they did and victimize them, which I could easily do and justify. I could so easily fuck up their support system.