Help Panicking a bit

[its-about-time]

Just realized everything is in place… I arranged everything over the last weeks and was waiting to feel impulsive, like I don't care about anything , to do the final act … I'm feeling that right now. Like, fully capable of drinking my SN.

But I'm overthinking: I am fully aware I'm just feeling impulsive and that normally, even though I WANT and DECIDED to commit suicide, I wouldn't be literally killing myself… I want it, and this current mindset is precisely what I planned for, but now that I'm here I'm having so many doubts because impulsive things are USUALLY regrettable… even though I know even when not acutely suicidal it's what I want… fuck.

I'm not completely sober and I'm unwilling to reach out to anyone I know for anything. Im texting with a friend I made here. I need something. Probably just attention because that's the kind of piece of shit I am. Just need attention and getting it by being suicidal. Fuck me, dude. Somebody either talk me into it or talk me out of it. Whatever's happening right this second is unbearable.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. We all need attention sometimes, I don't think you need to feel bad for it, and we tend to come here since we can't be so brutally honest anywhere else. I don't think anyone should talk you into it or out of it. It's okay if you wait or if you feel it's time to go through. I've always appreciated your posts/contributions here. I'm sorry you're suffering so much right now.

 

[its-about-time]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. We all need attention sometimes, I don't think you need to feel bad for it, and we tend to come here since we can't be so brutally honest anywhere else. I don't think anyone should talk you into it or out of it. It's okay if you wait or if you feel it's time to go through. I've always appreciated your posts/contributions here. I'm sorry you're suffering so much right now.

I don't think I've ever once in my life had somebody say it's okay to go if it's time for me to go. That's bringing tears to my eyes. Thank you. Just for being so understanding and validating.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Please vent as much as you'd like if it will help. It's hard to suffer alone in silence.

 

[its-about-time]

Please vent as much as you'd like if it will help. It's hard to suffer alone in silence.

I just trashed my old note and wrote a new one. About how I'm not going to talk to anyone after I drink my SN, including calling for help, because I've spent literally half my life displaying my suffering to the world in a desperate bid to feel better, and now it's time for me to just be quiet with myself while I suffer. And a little half-joke about how it took me until I was about to die to come to terms with it and how that's just like me. Lol. I'm thinking maybe this process tonight will be baby steps instead of one giant decision to die. I just got stoned and I guess I'll take some benzo's next.

 

[CommitSudoku]

It can be a bit funny (ironic?) how being under so much distress/pressure from wanting to leave this world can help us to learn new things about ourselves sometimes. Has getting stoned/taking benzo's helped you any?

 

[its-about-time]

Lol I'm listening to everyone's favorite depression indie music bullshit, and the lyrics on this one are "keep all your feelings away from everyone, especially those who love you" .. lol perfect

 

[CommitSudoku]

Some songs can have lyrics which are very reaffirming. "Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort-"

 

[its-about-time]

Some songs can have lyrics which are very reaffirming. "Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort-"

I like that one. I have a nice depression playlist I made a month or two back. It's nice to hear that other people have dwelled on the thoughts I'm dwelling on. I always wonder what's the difference between me and someone who has already killed themself.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Gonna try another one then, "Wait, I'm coming undone, irate, I'm coming undone, too late, I'm coming undone, what looks so strong, so delicate"

Feel free to share music too, sorry if I'm sidetracking your thread. I sometimes wonder what the difference is between me and someone who is already gone as well. Perhaps their stress was somehow more acute? It's impossible to know everyone's story, makes me a bit sad actually. Or the means/opportunity available might have an effect. If I had SN years ago I would already be gone, becoming more numb with age has made me able to do less.

 

[its-about-time]

Gonna try another one then, "Wait, I'm coming undone, irate, I'm coming undone, too late, I'm coming undone, what looks so strong, so delicate"

Feel free to share music too, sorry if I'm sidetracking your thread. I sometimes wonder what the difference is between me and someone who is already gone as well. Perhaps their stress was somehow more acute? It's impossible to know everyone's story, makes me a bit sad actually. Or the means/opportunity available might have an effect. If I had SN years ago I would already be gone, becoming more numb with age has made me able to do less.

Korn! Man. I listened to Last Resort after your last post. Now I'm listening to coming undone. I listened to "such small hands" by la dispute between them, you know that one? Good angry-sad song. Keep 'em coming I'm enjoying listening to this stuff it's been a long time.

If I had SN even a year ago I think I'd be dead. I only discovered it at the same time I discovered this site, like a month or so ago. My attempt in November may have been successful if I'd had SN. I think maybe I missed my window though. I did take the benzos and I bet they'll kick in in the next 10 minutes. I'm stoned and have had a couple drinks, and I'm no longer in "fuck I'm actually going to do it tonight" mind, so once the benzos kick in I bet I'll fall asleep instead of get the motivation back. Probably will be pissed at myself tomorrow for not taking the opportunity. I really felt like it could've happened tonight. Guess it still could. I'm just feeling very relaxed now. Oh, maybe the benzos are kicking in after all. Time to decide what to do next then.

 

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

Wish I had something more insightful to put here, but I just wanted to say that I deeply relate.

It's weird feeling so confident that this is what you want, that you fully comprehend what it entails and all of its ramifications. Thinking and fantasizing about it for months. But then it's all sitting in front of you you're hit with a new level of understanding and it's just adrenaline.

I've also totally been where you're at with worrying about making an impulsive decision. I've always wanted to make sure that I'm completely sure it's what I want, and that I'm not just making a regrettable decision at the end of a bad day. To be honest, I don't think anyone's capable of suicide without a little bit of impulsivity. I think our body's so hard wired to stay alive that our brains just aren't capable of genuinely anticipating our own deaths for more than a few minutes at a time.

Maybe I'm just talking to myself, but I think it's okay to just feel what you feel. It's okay to put it off for another day, it's the last thing you'll ever do after all; what's the rush? But if you just wake up one morning and randomly decide you're ready, then maybe you are.

Don't feel the need to qualify your desires as "impulsive" or "genuine". We've spent years of lives thinking about this. If it wasn't what we really wanted, we wouldn't've gotten to this point.

It's sucks so much that the only way out is by doing one of hardest things a human can possibly do. It's so trite, but I'm really sorry you're here, or that this place even exists. I hope you feel better in the morning.

 

[its-about-time]

Wish I had something more insightful to put here, but I just wanted to say that I deeply relate.

It's weird feeling so confident that this is what you want, that you fully comprehend what it entails and all of its ramifications. Thinking and fantasizing about it for months. But then it's all sitting in front of you you're hit with a new level of understanding and it's just adrenaline.

I've also totally been where you're at with worrying about making an impulsive decision. I've always wanted to make sure that I'm completely sure it's what I want, and that I'm not just making a regrettable decision at the end of a bad day. To be honest, I don't think anyone's capable of suicide without a little bit of impulsivity. I think our body's so hard wired to stay alive that our brains just aren't capable of genuinely anticipating our own deaths for more than a few minutes at a time.

Maybe I'm just talking to myself, but I think it's okay to just feel what you feel. It's okay to put it off for another day, it's the last thing you'll ever do after all; what's the rush? But if you just wake up one morning and randomly decide you're ready, then maybe you are.

Don't feel the need to qualify your desires as "impulsive" or "genuine". We've spent years of lives thinking about this. If it wasn't what we really wanted, we wouldn't've gotten to this point.

It's sucks so much that the only way out is by doing one of hardest things a human can possibly do. It's so trite, but I'm really sorry you're here, or that this place even exists. I hope you feel better in the morning.

Really, this is precisely what my plan has been for weeks. When feeling relatively okay, I decide every day that I want to die. The plan has been to simply wait until I'm impulsive enough to actually do it (and prepare everything else in the meantime, which I've done). So, it's what I've consistently decided on, I just agree that a little impulsivity is needed to literally do the thing so I built that into my plan. Now that tonight I felt impulsive, I still didn't do it, so I guess I need to figure out now how to overcome that. Though, I did take my benzo, and I just took my antiemetic , so it's not too late… but that strong impulsive motivation is gone. Maybe I'll still manage it. But I'm less sure now that it'll happen tonight. I fucked up my best chance, really. Not too late but that was the perfect opportunity I've been waiting for.

 

[Weebster]

If one is suicidal for years and then decides to do it but has doubts, are those doubts best ignored since it's just SI?

 

[its-about-time]

If one is suicidal for years and then decides to do it but has doubts, are those doubts best ignored since it's just SI?

That's what I figure.
-

I've taken Ativan (benzo) and seroquel (for antiemetic), it's been half an hour plus, and my heart rate is still 140 lol.. could get higher but just anxiety doing that at the thought of drinking SN next.. drinking some liquid antacid then crawling into bed where I keep my SN under the pillow will take it or just go to sleep which is probably what I'll do. But man I feel fucked. I hope I decide to die but I doubt myself quite a bit. Guessing I'll pass out soon either way from meds.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Korn! Man. I listened to Last Resort after your last post. Now I'm listening to coming undone. I listened to "such small hands" by la dispute between them, you know that one? Good angry-sad song. Keep 'em coming I'm enjoying listening to this stuff it's been a long time.

If I had SN even a year ago I think I'd be dead. I only discovered it at the same time I discovered this site, like a month or so ago. My attempt in November may have been successful if I'd had SN. I think maybe I missed my window though. I did take the benzos and I bet they'll kick in in the next 10 minutes. I'm stoned and have had a couple drinks, and I'm no longer in "fuck I'm actually going to do it tonight" mind, so once the benzos kick in I bet I'll fall asleep instead of get the motivation back. Probably will be pissed at myself tomorrow for not taking the opportunity. I really felt like it could've happened tonight. Guess it still could. I'm just feeling very relaxed now. Oh, maybe the benzos are kicking in after all. Time to decide what to do next then.

You've got good good taste in music. I hadn't heard Such Small Hands before, I feel like it's been a while since I heard a song like that, I really enjoyed how he sang, felt full of emotion. I'll see if you know one of my favorite artists, "And I am aware now of how everything's gonna be fine, one day, too late"

I'm sorry you missed your window, perhaps or not. Again I think it's completely your decision. I'm somewhat of the opinion that if you have some doubts then it's better to delay since you can't go back once successful, or alternatively you might be more likely to seek out help. There's nothing to say you won't get more impulsive than you got tonight either. Stress/anxiety/life doesn't always give too many breaks.

 

[its-about-time]

You've got good good taste in music. I hadn't heard Such Small Hands before, I feel like it's been a while since I heard a song like that, I really enjoyed how he sang, felt full of emotion. I'll see if you know one of my favorite artists, "And I am aware now of how everything's gonna be fine, one day, too late"

I'm sorry you missed your window, perhaps or not. Again I think it's completely your decision. I'm somewhat of the opinion that if you have some doubts then it's better to delay since you can't go back once successful, or alternatively you might be more likely to seek out help. There's nothing to say you won't get more impulsive than you got tonight either. Stress/anxiety/life doesn't always give too many breaks.

Seether… no way. I had to look that one up but soon as I put it on I recognized it. What a throwback. Excellent of you to share.

I took benzos and anti emetic which happens to daylight as a sedative.. feeling real sleepy. Just took anti acid and crawled into bed. SN in my lap. Nachos on the other side of my lap lol Both are good options! I likely won't be writing again tonight. I'm feeling fucked up from the meds. Wish me luck. Thank you very much for your kind conversation and the good music memories.

 

[CommitSudoku]

Seether… no way. I had to look that one up but soon as I put it on I recognized it. What a throwback. Excellent of you to share.

I took benzos and anti emetic which happens to daylight as a sedative.. feeling real sleepy. Just took anti acid and crawled into bed. SN in my lap. Nachos on the other side of my lap lol Both are good options! I likely won't be writing again tonight. I'm feeling fucked up from the meds. Wish me luck. Thank you very much for your kind conversation and the good music memories.

Thank you :) Best of luck whatever you decide to do. Please prioritize yourself whatever you decide, I hope you can find peace whether that's sleep or a more permanent option. Thank you as well for the nice conversation.

 

[downndone2]

Hope to see you back! If you go, you'll be missed around here for sure. Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace

 

[ablmnop]

You ok OP?

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best and I hope you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you.

 

[Al_stargate]

You still with us? Anyway, it was a good experience interacting with you and I'm sad for your suffering and pain. If we hear from you again or not, wish you well my friend, one soul here will be sad for you!

 

[its-about-time]

Still here, mighty kickin' and not too happy about it.