Overwhelmed, suicide seems like the only solution

[emie_]

TW: Sexual assault and domestic abuse.

I'm at a point where suicide seems like the only way for things to get "better". I feel extremely guilty for having these thoughts and feelings, because I am surrounded by very supportive friends and an amazing boyfriend. However, there are things they cannot help me with, things that I probably will never be able to overcome. This post is sort of an overview of why I am planning on committing suicide, what that plan is, and my problems and concerns. Advice is welcome. Please be aware that this post mentions sexual assault and physical domestic abuse.

About me:
I am 21, trans, and living in a country where you could easily get killed for being LGBT. I've struggled with gender dysphoria my entire life, which has been a strong catalyst for my suicidal ideation in my early teenage years. While my family never rejected me, they didn't exactly support me either. My teenage years were very turbulent and self harmful, and I attempted a suicide by overdose with sleeping pills at 14, but had the stupid idea of drinking lots of alcohol with it, which made me puke. It obviously didn't work. That same year, I met a man. He was 20, and obviously looking back at it, the relationship is deeply problematic because of the age difference. But he was the only person to embrace my trans identity back then and made me feel like I was special and all that stuff. Now I've come to realize that this was just sexual for him. Regardless, I was in a relationship with that man for 2 years. At first, I felt euphoric, and was madly in love. Then he started getting abusive. He was extremely jealous and possessive, and would be quite controlling of what I could do or who i could see. Typical abusive manipulative behavior. He started hitting me a year into the relationship, not all the time, but it was sometimes intense enough to leave bruises.
When I was 16, I was sexually assaulted by 3 men. That same night, I attempted suicide for a second time, this time by hanging with a scarf. The scarf broke almost immediately, and I didn't try again. I told my parents, who just told me to not say anything to anyone. I didn't tell him, but I grew distant which made him even more abusive. I eventually left him after meeting another person that same year, that person being my current boyfriend. He's the complete opposite of my ex-boyfriend, and I was genuinely happy with him. After that sexual assault at 16 year old, I developed an eating disorder, but I was able to more or less "deal" with what had happened. I graduated with great grades, got accepted into uni, and everything was going well (relatively to my situation).
Three months ago, I receive a message from my ex-boyfriend on Twitter. I don't know how he found me, and why he decided to contact me now, four years after I broke up with him. He asked to meet, and when I didn't respond, threatened me and told me he would be uploading my UNDERAGE nude pictures and videos and sharing them with my family and friends if I didn't answer. I accepted to meet him, and genuinely thought he only wanted to talk. I was stupid. I met up with him alone, in his car. After talking for a few minutes, he tried to kiss me, and I instinctively slapped him. He just smiled, and tried again, only when I tried to push him away this time he held my hand and punched me several times for a minute or so. He then raped me. I'm not going to go into details, but after he was done, he apologized and I left. This time it was official, my life was ruined. I was too ashamed to tell my boyfriend, and I lied about my really bruised up face to my friends and family. They didn't believe me, and I ended up telling the truth. Besides a few supportive words, they didn't do much. Not that they could. I have experienced nightmares and panic attacks every single day ever since. Everything is triggering. Everything reminds me of what happened, both at 16 and a few months ago. I cannot function properly, and I alternate between states of intense anxiety, paranoia and severe, empty depression. I am convinced that I will never get better. Suicide is my only solution.

My plan:
This time, I am planning on drowning myself. I live just next to the sea. I know drowning might seem like an odd choice, but I have no other options really. Overdose is out of the question since I don't have access to reliable drugs that would do the work properly. Hanging is a no too because I strongly dislike the feeling of tightness around my neck and will probably not have the guts to do it again. Jumping off height terrifies me, especially the idea of surviving it. Drowning seems like the most accessible and easy way to do it. I am unsure on the technicalities as of yet, but I know that I will make use of weights to make sure that I stay anchored underwater. I might either tie my leg to a heavy object or Virginia Woolf it by wearing a coat and putting rocks in my pockets. I'll probably do both. I will consume some sleeping pills (Ambien) to hopefully be unconscious while the drowning is happening. I don't mind being conscious either, and I know that if I am conscious during water aspiration I will probably be in a lot of pain. I honestly don't care. As long as I die. If anyone has any tips to reduce the chance of that happening, or if there's any particular drug that could help with that sort of thing, I'd be more than grateful.
I will probably achieve my plan between next week and the end of the month. I want to wait for a relatively calmer weather and less waves, I don't want my body to be swept to the beach or anything of that sort.

My concerns:
I feel incredibly guilty. I am 100% convinced with my decision, and I have put a lot of thought into it, and I don't think anything will change my mind, but I still feel... incredibly guilty. I know how hard this will be for my family to deal with, particularly my mom and my sister. I don't want to hurt them. Same with my boyfriend. I am so grateful for all the efforts they put into trying to help me and make me feel better, and I don't want them to think that they failed me in any way or that my decision has anything to do with them or is their fault. I am planning on writing them a suicide note, one for my boyfriend, and one for my family, in order to emphasize that this decision is a rational, thoughtful one, that it's not their fault and that I appreciate them and all that stuff. I would also like to tell my boyfriend what happened since i haven't told him yet and can't find the courage to tell him face to face. I debated on whether I should leave a suicide note or not, but I think it's the fairer thing to do to my loved ones.

I just wanted to share this for some reason, as I'm sure no one in my life will really understand why I would decide on committing suicide. I'm open to advice on the specificities of the method I chose, and my feelings of guilt and responsibility to my loved ones.

TLDR; Dysphoria, trauma from abusive relationship and two sexual assaults made life unbearable. Planning on ctb via drowning. Feeling incredibly guilty and conflicted on the impact my suicide will leave on my loved ones.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Omg where do I begin? I understand the unbearable pain you feel. I'm gay myself, I have trans friends, I understand your struggle. You've been raped and violated in so many ways. I support your decision to ctb, however, only if all other options have been exhausted. So my question to you is

1 - have you considered moving to another country where you would be more accepted?

2 - consider the possibility of telling your boyfriend, family and friends what has happened. They might be more supportive than you think.

If you need someone to talk to, please PM me.

 

[emie_]

Omg where do I begin? I understand the unbearable pain you feel. I'm gay myself, I have trans friends, I understand your struggle. You've been raped and violated in so many ways. I support your decision to ctb, however, only if all other options have been exhausted. So my question to you is

1 - have you considered moving to another country where you would be more accepted?

2 - consider the possibility of telling your boyfriend, family and friends what has happened. They might be more supportive than you think.

If you need someone to talk to, please PM me.

1- i unfortunately can't due to financial reasons. To be honest, it's not as bad as other countries, I have access to hormones and I am well into my transition. The problem is I can't get a job or let anyone know that I am trans. If I could have moved out before, I definitely would have. I feel like it's too late right now though. That it doesn't matter anymore.
2- i told some friends and my mom, they were supportive and nice and gave me love and all that good stuff... and I am very grateful for that, but it just doesn't really make things better. I can't report my ex boyfriend to the police because I really don't want to go over that whole process, the fact that i am trans, and honestly because again, it doesn't seem worthwhile.
Thank you though.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Omg where do I begin? I understand the unbearable pain you feel. I'm gay myself, I have trans friends, I understand your struggle. You've been raped and violated in so many ways. I support your decision to ctb, however, only if all other options have been exhausted. So my question to you is

1 - have you considered moving to another country where you would be more accepted?

2 - consider the possibility of telling your boyfriend, family and friends what has happened. They might be more supportive than you think.

3 - if you kill yourself, THEY win. The haters win. If you chose to live, you are not letting them win.

4 - please watch this video. Two minutes into the video, she is surrounded by survivors of abuse. You can either drown yourself or stand on stage with other survivors. It's up to you.

If you need someone to talk to, please PM me.

 

[InterstateFlowers]

Hello! I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm not good at words so my feelings will seem shabby and shallow but I really mean the feelings behind what I say. I'm sorry you've been given such a bad hand and manipulated in such a terrible way. It's so cruel and horrific, it's terrible. I didn't know gender dysphoria was a thing until I was admitted to a mental hospital and my fellow trans patients informed me about it and all it's struggles. I was shocked, I didn't know this kind of suffering existed and I felt so bad.

You're not alone feeling guilty, I feel the same way. I don't think I could kill myself if I couldn't accept the harm I was causing my family, it's just something I need to face straight on or else it's just ignoring their pain. Even though it's painful for them, it's a release and a good thing for you.

I want to help you achieve your goal too. I think it's the kindest thing to do but I don't really know. I'm not much but I can give some sort of advice. Knowing your method, your survival instinct is going to be the hardest part of your method. I'll try to support you by being honest.

First, what will you do if you fail? I'm scared that your family is might be cruel if they find out and you'll get hate somehow if someone finds out and spreads rumors. I don't want any more harm to come to you.

Here's someone's drowning method: drowning method

Even with drugs, this person unfortunately failed because of their survival instinct and so doesn't recommend it. It's your body's natural will to live, not your mind's so try not to blame yourself because of this. Are you afraid of falling? If there's a really high bridge next to the sea, kind of like the Golden Gate bridge in SF, you can jump off of it and die instantly. The only record I know off where I person survived is that one guy who jumped off the bridge but lived because of the angle he was falling and he landed on a seal.

 

[HadEnough1974]

1- i unfortunately can't due to financial reasons. To be honest, it's not as bad as other countries, I have access to hormones and I am well into my transition. The problem is I can't get a job or let anyone know that I am trans. If I could have moved out before, I definitely would have. I feel like it's too late right now though. That it doesn't matter anymore.
2- i told some friends and my mom, they were supportive and nice and gave me love and all that good stuff... and I am very grateful for that, but it just doesn't really make things better. I can't report my ex boyfriend to the police because I really don't want to go over that whole process, the fact that i am trans, and honestly because again, it doesn't seem worthwhile.
Thank you though.

Hello dear,

I edited my post and added something extra.
Number 3 and number 4.

Also please send me a pm I will see what I can do for you.

 

[emie_]

Hello! I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm not good at words so my feelings will seem shabby and shallow but I really mean the feelings behind what I say. I'm sorry you've been given such a bad hand and manipulated in such a terrible way. It's so cruel and horrific, it's terrible. I didn't know gender dysphoria was a thing until I was admitted to a mental hospital and my fellow trans patients informed me about it and all it's struggles. I was shocked, I didn't know this kind of suffering existed and I felt so bad.

You're not alone feeling guilty, I feel the same way. I don't think I could kill myself if I couldn't accept the harm I was causing my family, it's just something I need to face straight on or else it's just ignoring their pain. Even though it's painful for them, it's a release and a good thing for you.

I want to help you achieve your goal too. I think it's the kindest thing to do but I don't really know. I'm not much but I can give some sort of advice. Knowing your method, your survival instinct is going to be the hardest part of your method. I'll try to support you by being honest.

First, what will you do if you fail? I'm scared that your family is might be cruel if they find out and you'll get hate somehow if someone finds out and spreads rumors. I don't want any more harm to come to you.

Here's someone's drowning method: drowning method

Even with drugs, this person unfortunately failed because of their survival instinct and so doesn't recommend it. It's your body's natural will to live, not your mind's so try not to blame yourself because of this. Are you afraid of falling? If there's a really high bridge next to the sea, kind of like the Golden Gate bridge in SF, you can jump off of it and die instantly. The only record I know off where I person survived is that one guy who jumped off the bridge but lived because of the angle he was falling and he landed on a seal.

Thank you for showing me that post, I'll check it out in a bit and see what it says. Even if the drugs don't really work, and my survival instincts kick off, I'm hoping that the weights that will be holding me down will do the job and keep me underwater enough time.
As for my family, I highly doubt they would do something like that. If I survive, which I really doubt I will, my mom will definitely not retaliate in any hateful manner.
Thanks again for your reply.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Omg where do I begin? I understand the unbearable pain you feel. I'm gay myself, I have trans friends, I understand your struggle. You've been raped and violated in so many ways. I support your decision to ctb, however, only if all other options have been exhausted. So my question to you is

1 - have you considered moving to another country where you would be more accepted?

2 - consider the possibility of telling your boyfriend, family and friends what has happened. They might be more supportive than you think.

3 - if you kill yourself, THEY win. The haters win. If you chose to live, you are not letting them win.

4 - please watch this video. Two minutes into the video, she is surrounded by survivors of abuse. You can either drown yourself or stand on stage with other survivors. It's up to you. If you need someone to talk to, please PM me.

 

[emie_]

Hello dear,

I edited my post and added something extra.
Number 3 and number 4.

Also please send me a pm I will see what I can do for you.

That was a really touching performance. Thank you for sharing. I'm new to this site and don't know how to send a PM. Could you send me one instead?

 

[HadEnough1974]

1- i unfortunately can't due to financial reasons. To be honest, it's not as bad as other countries, I have access to hormones and I am well into my transition. The problem is I can't get a job or let anyone know that I am trans. If I could have moved out before, I definitely would have. I feel like it's too late right now though. That it doesn't matter anymore.
2- i told some friends and my mom, they were supportive and nice and gave me love and all that good stuff... and I am very grateful for that, but it just doesn't really make things better. I can't report my ex boyfriend to the police because I really don't want to go over that whole process, the fact that i am trans, and honestly because again, it doesn't seem worthwhile.
Thank you though.

Going to the police and reliving the situation is not my recommendation. You experienced trauma and you need to speak with a professional who deals with these kinds of issues. Anger, shame, guilt...

Family support is not enough in this situation. Share your experience with other survivors. See if there is a support group in your country / area for this specific trauma.

Why should you kill yourself because of an injustice someone did to you?

That was a really touching performance. Thank you for sharing. I'm new to this site and don't know how to send a PM. Could you send me one instead?

You will be able to send private messages after 24 hours. The option will appear automatically.

It's your life. Suicide is always an option. However, your pain is because someone inflicted an injustice upon you. Please reconsider. It doesn't get better right away. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. Sometimes it never gets better.

However, in your case, you need to be like the millions of other woman who are survivors. And one day, you'll be able to say to someone in your position that YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE. Please reconsider.

 

[emie_]

Going to the police and reliving the situation is not my recommendation. You experienced trauma and you need to speak with a professional who deals with these kinds of issues. Anger, shame, guilt...

Family support is not enough in this situation. Share your experience with other survivors. See if there is a support group in your country / area for this specific trauma.

Why should you kill yourself because of an injustice someone did to you?

i know it might seem like i am exaggerating, but i really mean it when i say that being alive has become unbearable. my panic attacks come at unexpected times, and I get really anxious at the thought of getting one. i feel like i'm losing my mind more and more everyday. I forget where I put my stuff, and find them in unexpected places, I go out of a room without knowing why I did that, I forget that I turned off lights or moved objects, i can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't do anything enjoyable anymore. my thoughts are plagued by cycling states of anxiety and depression. I cry for no reason. I get paranoid for no reason. I'm terrified of windows and someone standing outside. i don't feel like i can talk to anyone because i don't want to bother them with my problems, and even when I do, I often regret it. every single second of my life seems so overwhelming.

 

[HadEnough1974]

i know it might seem like i am exaggerating, but i really mean it when i say that being alive has become unbearable. my panic attacks come at unexpected times, and I get really anxious at the thought of getting one. i feel like i'm losing my mind more and more everyday. I forget where I put my stuff, and find them in unexpected places, I go out of a room without knowing why I did that, I forget that I turned off lights or moved objects, i can't sleep, i can't eat, i can't do anything enjoyable anymore. my thoughts are plagued by cycling states of anxiety and depression. I cry for no reason. I get paranoid for no reason. I'm terrified of windows and someone standing outside. i don't feel like i can talk to anyone because i don't want to bother them with my problems, and even when I do, I often regret it. every single second of my life seems so overwhelming.

Which is exactly why you need a trained professional. Someone who deals exclusively with survivors of abuse.

Life has become unbearable, I know. Hang in there. Send me a private message, tell me the country you're in and I'll see if I can find you support either in your country or another forum dealing with this issue.

I live in Canada, you can always seek asylum here for what you've experienced. You can live freely and get the help that you need.

Which is exactly why you need a trained professional. Someone who deals exclusively with survivors of abuse.

Life has become unbearable, I know. Hang in there. Send me a private message, tell me the country you're in and I'll see if I can find you support either in your country or another forum dealing with this issue.

I live in Canada, you can always seek asylum here for what you've experienced. You can live freely and get the help that you need.

And I know that you're not exaggerating. Your pain is real.
Here is a link for you.

Resources for Survivors

If you identify as trans or non-binary and you are currently in an abusive relationship or have experienced trauma in your past, this section is for you. Included here are safety planning resources for people experiencing abuse, materials on healing from trauma, and information on healthy...

vawnet.org

 

[emie_]

Which is exactly why you need a trained professional. Someone who deals exclusively with survivors of abuse.

Life has become unbearable, I know. Hang in there. Send me a private message, tell me the country you're in and I'll see if I can find you support either in your country or another forum dealing with this issue.

I live in Canada, you can always seek asylum here for what you've experienced. You can live freely and get the help that you need.


And I know that you're not exaggerating. Your pain is real.

I'll try to PM you tomorrow since I can't seem to do so right now. Thank you for trying to help, I really appreciate it.

 

[FriendofDeath]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Though I wasn't assaulted, I was stalked, and even when he was caught, I didn't feel safe. Not only are you affected mentally, but physically as well. It sounds like your boyfriend is someone special and you have some great friends. I wish you felt like you could lean on them somewhat. I hear that you don't want to weigh them down, but they will ask many questions if you are gone and wonder what they could have done to change things.

Drowning sounds terrifying to me, though it's supposed to be fairly peaceful. I guess anything is peaceful once you get past the survival aspect.

I keep coming back to your guilt, and wonder if now is the time to leave. Do you ever feel any peace? Do you have any professional you can talk to or a survivor group, even one online? Please know I want what is best for you. You seem to be a beautiful person who has experienced horrible things. Sending light and love!

 

[Living sucks]

Is there any way your family could help you find an inpatient trauma clinic, wow... i have no words accept none of this is your fault. And lean on your amazing bf. And seek trauma help. You need and deserve it.

 

[HadEnough1974]

I'll try to PM you tomorrow since I can't seem to do so right now. Thank you for trying to help, I really appreciate it.

I sent you a pm. Check your mail.

 

[Shananaginns]

I'm really sorry for all that you've gone through. I did want to let you know that even if you are an adult now, those pictures in his possession are still considered child pornography. You can call the FBI on him. No matter how old you are, the girl in the picture is still a minor. Last but certainly not least, I hope that you are able to find peace. Everyone on this site cares and we're all here for you.

 

[emie_]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Though I wasn't assaulted, I was stalked, and even when he was caught, I didn't feel safe. Not only are you affected mentally, but physically as well. It sounds like your boyfriend is someone special and you have some great friends. I wish you felt like you could lean on them somewhat. I hear that you don't want to weigh them down, but they will ask many questions if you are gone and wonder what they could have done to change things.

Drowning sounds terrifying to me, though it's supposed to be fairly peaceful. I guess anything is peaceful once you get past the survival aspect.

I keep coming back to your guilt, and wonder if now is the time to leave. Do you ever feel any peace? Do you have any professional you can talk to or a survivor group, even one online? Please know I want what is best for you. You seem to be a beautiful person who has experienced horrible things. Sending light and love!

I'm sorry that you went through something like that. Stalking is horrible, and I'm glad he was caught. I do try to lean on my friends, but to no avail. I'm still too ashamed to tell my boyfriend anything. I think I will try to tell him before attempting anything I guess.

I rarely feel any peace. Not since the rape happened a few months ago. The only times I feel somewhat at peace is when I think of dying.

Is there any way your family could help you find an inpatient trauma clinic, wow... i have no words accept none of this is your fault. And lean on your amazing bf. And seek trauma help. You need and deserve it.

I doubt there are any inpatient trauma clinics where I live. But even if there were, I'm not sure if I am that willing to seek therapy (I've had bad experiences in therapy before). If I end up having second thoughts on committing suicide, I will try seeking help. Thank you

I'm really sorry for all that you've gone through. I did want to let you know that even if you are an adult now, those pictures in his possession are still considered child pornography. You can call the FBI on him. No matter how old you are, the girl in the picture is still a minor. Last but certainly not least, I hope that you are able to find peace. Everyone on this site cares and we're all here for you.

I'm not in the US, I'm unsure what the FBI could do to help me while I'm here. He promised me that he deleted everything though, and he hasn't tried to contact me since. I hope he's telling the truth.

 

[Meowkin]

You've been through a lot of trauma, trauma which some people will never experience and memories of which probably come back to traumatise you further. Experiences like yours are very traumatising and can be very isolating. I'm truly sorry for what you've experienced.

From reading between the lines, I'm assuming mental health care where you are is probably non-existent and that cultural attitudes towards the kind of trauma you've suffered might not be very helpful. Trauma is hard enough to deal with and to be in a situation where your options seem limited, I really do feel for you and I understand why you would feel you have but one option.

 

[Alec]

I don't even know what to say. What I really want to say is that it sounds to me like you are incredibly brave and strong! Whatever you choose I want you to know I respect your choice, and I love you a lot! I'm with you and I'm thinking about you!

also, not sure if anyone else has mentioned it before to you, but try to have a look around this forum, there are other methods being discussed that might be a better choice for suicide for you. Like for example SN (Sodium Nitrite) method that is my choice. I don't know in what country you live but as far as I know it's fairly easy to buy it in many places of the world and it's quite cheap. I bought mine on the famous auction site. And it was shipped to me with no problems. (Try searching for it on eBay or Amazon). I wish you nothing but good luck, you are incredible and beautiful and so freaking brave! I admire you so much! Love you forever! And I'm so sorry for all that's happened to you!

Love,
—Alec.

 

[kaz]

I'm not sure what to say, that was one of the saddest things I've ever read, please don't try to drown, it must be a terrible death, a bad way to live your last thoughts and memories, if you really want to do it this, you will have to forget your loved ones for a while, they will get over it, even if it takes some time to happen

 

[emie_]

You've been through a lot of trauma, trauma which some people will never experience and memories of which probably come back to traumatise you further. Experiences like yours are very traumatising and can be very isolating. I'm truly sorry for what you've experienced.

From reading between the lines, I'm assuming mental health care where you are is probably non-existent and that cultural attitudes towards the kind of trauma you've suffered might not be very helpful. Trauma is hard enough to deal with and to be in a situation where your options seem limited, I really do feel for you and I understand why you would feel you have but one option.

Thank you for understanding. Mental healthcare isn't that disastrous to be honest, however it definitely isn't the best. Until very recently, anyone could open a clinic and do as they will, and I probably suffered from that malpractice as a teenager. I am wary of therapists here because of my previous experiences. You can probably find great healthcare providers and there are organizations that specifically help LGBT communities and/or sexual assault victims, but I genuinely feel that it is useless to even try to reach out. Their services aren't exhaustive (not their fault, the government doesn't do much to help fund them and even tried to shut some of them down), and if you really want to get proper help, it will cost you a lot of money, money I don't have, and even if I did, I would be spending on something I'm not even sure would work.

I don't even know what to say. What I really want to say is that it sounds to me like you are incredibly brave and strong! Whatever you choose I want you to know I respect your choice, and I love you a lot! I'm with you and I'm thinking about you!

also, not sure if anyone else has mentioned it before to you, but try to have a look around this forum, there are other methods being discussed that might be a better choice for suicide for you. Like for example SN (Sodium Nitrite) method that is my choice. I don't know in what country you live but as far as I know it's fairly easy to buy it in many places of the world and it's quite cheap. I bought mine on the famous auction site. And it was shipped to me with no problems. (Try searching for it on eBay or Amazon). I wish you nothing but good luck, you are incredible and beautiful and so freaking brave! I admire you so much! Love you forever!❤ And I'm so sorry for all that's happened to you!

Love,
—Alec.

Unfortunately shipping works quite differently in my country; it's rare to find services that ship here in the first place and even if they do, the items are shipped to a postal office rather than a residential place (we don't have individual zip codes). Plus with the whole corona thing, it's very difficult to buy things online, especially here. I checked Amazon, and they don't ship SN to my country. I'll have to do with what local pharmacies sell (sleeping pills). Thank you for your kind words though

I'm not sure what to say, that was one of the saddest things I've ever read, please don't try to drown, it must be a terrible death, a bad way to live your last thoughts and memories, if you really want to do it this, you will have to forget your loved ones for a while, they will get over it, even if it takes some time to happen

I know it can be painful and terrifying, but I also heard that it can be peaceful. I'm willing to take the risk and find out for myself. It wouldn't matter anyway, I'll be dead in a matter of minutes. I don't think I can forget my loved ones, so yeah, it is going to be hard.

 

[Meowkin]

Thank you for understanding. Mental healthcare isn't that disastrous to be honest, however it definitely isn't the best. Until very recently, anyone could open a clinic and do as they will, and I probably suffered from that malpractice as a teenager. I am wary of therapists here because of my previous experiences. You can probably find great healthcare providers and there are organizations that specifically help LGBT communities and/or sexual assault victims, but I genuinely feel that it is useless to even try to reach out. Their services aren't exhaustive (not their fault, the government doesn't do much to help fund them and even tried to shut some of them down), and if you really want to get proper help, it will cost you a lot of money, money I don't have, and even if I did, I would be spending on something I'm not even sure would work.



Unfortunately shipping works quite differently in my country; it's rare to find services that ship here in the first place and even if they do, the items are shipped to a postal office rather than a residential place (we don't have individual zip codes). Plus with the whole corona thing, it's very difficult to buy things online, especially here. I checked Amazon, and they don't ship SN to my country. I'll have to do with what local pharmacies sell (sleeping pills). Thank you for your kind words though



I know it can be painful and terrifying, but I also heard that it can be peaceful. I'm willing to take the risk and find out for myself. It wouldn't matter anyway, I'll be dead in a matter of minutes. I don't think I can forget my loved ones, so yeah, it is going to be hard.

It's all right. Therapy is your choice and it's understandable if you're not comfortable with. If ever you do decide to go through the therapy route, I hope it will work for you. Regardless of what you choose, I wish you all the best.

 

[ssaaahmo]

hi
i'm sorry you're hurting so much
i wish i was born a boy too but am too scared to ever have any surgery or anything like that
so i just have to live with being a girl and it hurts me very much
i've felt this way my whole life and there have been causes
a part of me is glad i won't transition (worried about being judged and misunderstood and hurt, plus the cost) but i don't like my body at all
i hope that makes sense but it's okay if it doesn't
i've been touched inappropriately too so i'm not in your exact situation but i get what it feels like to be violated by men
i have ptsd so i get nightmares and flashbacks and intrusive memories so i get that pain too

 

[emie_]

hi
i'm sorry you're hurting so much
i wish i was born a boy too but am too scared to ever have any surgery or anything like that
so i just have to live with being a girl and it hurts me very much
i've felt this way my whole life and there have been causes
a part of me is glad i won't transition (worried about being judged and misunderstood and hurt, plus the cost) but i don't like my body at all
i hope that makes sense but it's okay if it doesn't
i've been touched inappropriately too so i'm not in your exact situation but i get what it feels like to be violated by men
i have ptsd so i get nightmares and flashbacks and intrusive memories so i get that pain too

That must be really difficult. And I completely understand don't worry. I'm mtf (assigned male at birth) and personally would have ended it a long time ago if it wasn't for my transitioning (first socially then with hormones).
I'm very sorry that you've gone through something like that. I completely relate to the ptsd part with the nightmares, flashbacks and intrusive memories. If you need to talk, I'm here.

 

[FriendofDeath]

I'm not sure what to say, that was one of the saddest things I've ever read, please don't try to drown, it must be a terrible death, a bad way to live your last thoughts and memories, if you really want to do it this, you will have to forget your loved ones for a while, they will get over it, even if it takes some time to happen

I would be very surprised if loved ones would get over a suicide. For many who have lost someone close, there is a before and after, and the after sucks. So please don't believe people will just get over it. Hopefully they will eventually feel peace, knowing their loved one was in a lot of pain. Still hoping people can find alternatives that allow them to live their authentic self!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm so sorry you have had to suffer through this. None of this is your fault and you shouldn't have to go through it. Your current bf sounds very supportive but if I encountered your ex bf...that #$&* deserves a right kicking.
You must feel so defeated. I seriously hope you can find some anger in yourself and fight back, even if it's simply to give that slug of a man what he deserves.