Venting Overwhelmed - no one to talk to

[Rocksandsand]

My (ex?) partner may be coming around tonight to talk about our relationship. My house is so dirty from being depressed and alone for weeks. Not the cute kind of messy - there's mouldy dishes and washing everywhere. Proper depression messy. Mess is a trigger for my partner as he grew up in a house of neglect. I have to clean before he gets here or cancel. I'm really struggling with the ambiguity of where things are at between us, and I don't want to cancel. I need clarity.

I am anxious about him coming over. I am anxious about cleaning. I've been curled up on the couch all morning trying to figure out how to start cleaning up and suddenly I'm crying my eyes out. After weeks of dissociation to varied degrees, the flood gates just opened. I feel like I need a valium but I don't want to be sedated at all because I need to fucking clean. I feel suicidal, scared, hopeless, overwhelmed, anxious, worthless... an hour ago I was numb and I had been for weeks. Everything had felt like a movie with the sound turned off. Now I can't calm down.

Those background suicidal thoughts are so loud at the moment. They're not in the background anymore. If I killed myself now, my dog would be left alone with my body and there would be weeks and weeks of mouldy dishes around my corpse. What an image. My poor dog.

I don't know why I am posting... I just feel so alone and anxious and depressed. I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't think I will ever get better. What's the point in any of this? What's the point in talking with my partner? He is abusive anyway - always committing to treating me better and then screaming at me a week later.

All I can think about is my stash of SN and meto. I know the timing is not right. But fuck. Everything hurts right now.

 

[sadbunny]

Throw the dishes away!

And sorry about your SO. I hope that you'll receive some clarity tonight

 

[Letmego. Please]

Second the bin the dirty plates etc.

I understand your anxiety about tonight, had similar when my ex first left & all you want is some clarity about where things stand, but your ex is abusive so maybe better for you to try to control the conversation if possible & try not to fall for anymore 'I'll be nicer next time, promise' as that cannot be helping your depression.

((Hugs))

 

[pole]

My (ex?) partner may be coming around tonight to talk about our relationship. My house is so dirty from being depressed and alone for weeks. Not the cute kind of messy - there's mouldy dishes and washing everywhere. Proper depression messy. Mess is a trigger for my partner as he grew up in a house of neglect. I have to clean before he gets here or cancel. I'm really struggling with the ambiguity of where things are at between us, and I don't want to cancel. I need clarity.

I am anxious about him coming over. I am anxious about cleaning. I've been curled up on the couch all morning trying to figure out how to start cleaning up and suddenly I'm crying my eyes out. After weeks of dissociation to varied degrees, the flood gates just opened. I feel like I need a valium but I don't want to be sedated at all because I need to fucking clean. I feel suicidal, scared, hopeless, overwhelmed, anxious, worthless... an hour ago I was numb and I had been for weeks. Everything had felt like a movie with the sound turned off. Now I can't calm down.

Those background suicidal thoughts are so loud at the moment. They're not in the background anymore. If I killed myself now, my dog would be left alone with my body and there would be weeks and weeks of mouldy dishes around my corpse. What an image. My poor dog.

I don't know why I am posting... I just feel so alone and anxious and depressed. I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't think I will ever get better. What's the point in any of this? What's the point in talking with my partner? He is abusive anyway - always committing to treating me better and then screaming at me a week later.

All I can think about is my stash of SN and meto. I know the timing is not right. But fuck. Everything hurts right now.

Can't imagine what you're going through right now, and i'm sorry for what you're going through right now. Word's don't mean much, nor do they uphold value; especially over the internet. But you're partner isn't anyone you should go back to. If he makes you feel like the way you feel, he isn't the one for you nor should he be making you feel the way you feel. I've had friends whom have had abusive boyfriends. You have to take the step that you aren't able to take, cut him off. Whatever you have to do, cut him off. Think about yourself and only then will you be able to care for yourself. Cut that negative energy off and dont allow yourself to be subject to someone elses abuse.

Maybe a change of scenario would help? Move somewhere, start fresh.

You also insist you feel alone and anxious. Its extremely hard and painful to be holding things, especially emotional suffering. Take the time to PM people on here, whom are willing to listen and vent whatever you feel and let it all out. It helps.

If you aren't comfortable in talking to someone, maybe write. Writing is therapeutic, poetry, journals, letting your emotions out through writing is amazing.

Getting your mind off what your going through, working out, forcing yourself out of your comfort zone by hanging out with friends and going out.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, i'm a great listener and im sure dozens of others are willing to listen as well. Hope you feel better :(.

 

[jake3d]

I feel like I need a valium but I don't want to be sedated at all because I need to fucking clean.

Take a stimulant and get on to that fucking cleaning already. Accomplishing something you have been putting off for a while will make you feel a lot better.

You say your partner is abusive. No matter what the reason is and no matter if you feel that it's your fault, either find a way to bring peace or cut him off. In my fairly short stay here I have already gotten to know a few people that want to ctb because staying in an abusive relationship made their life miserable. Don't be one of those people. Please.