Overcoming Aversion to CTB

[mea.culpa]

Quick context: I am 22, have been dealing with depression for about 5 years and suicidal ideations for the last 2 &1/2.

At this point, I have overcome [to the best of human ability] the fear of my own death. My primary aversion when dwelling on suicide is the selfishness of the act. (I apologize if the word "selfishness" offends anyone on here.) Allow me to clarify: When I think of suicide, I compare it, in a sense, to the law of energy conservation. As that law states, energy is never destroyed, only transitions. In the case of suicide, I can't help but feel my sadness would not be rid from the world, but rather transferred onto my [albeit very few remaining] loved ones.

And that is so, so hard for me to be conceptually okay with. As much as I hate my life and am disappointed every morning I wake up, knowing how devastated my dad, mom, two younger brothers, grandpa, and only remaining friend would be feels like an impossible barrier to overcome.

Thoughts?

 

[Deleted member 1768]

Quick context: I am 22, have been dealing with depression for about 5 years and suicidal ideations for the last 2 &1/2.

At this point, I have overcome [to the best of human ability] the fear of my own death. My primary aversion when dwelling on suicide is the selfishness of the act. (I apologize if the word "selfishness" offends anyone on here.) Allow me to clarify: When I think of suicide, I compare it, in a sense, to the law of energy conservation. As that law states, energy is never destroyed, only transitions. In the case of suicide, I can't help but feel my sadness would not be rid from the world, but rather transferred onto my [albeit very few remaining] loved ones.

And that is so, so hard for me to be conceptually okay with. As much as I hate my life and am disappointed every morning I wake up, knowing how devastated my dad, mom, two younger brothers, grandpa, and only remaining friend would be feels like an impossible barrier to overcome.

Thoughts?

There are a lot of people on this site with exactly the same issues. Most have no desire to traumatize anyone, even strangers. How much more difficult when the people you leave behind are loved. If, however you had a serious, agonizing disease/disorder would it then be acceptable? My brother killed himself many moons ago. I still miss him, but he would never have done such a thing had there been anything else he could do. Everybody dies somehow, and take it from someone who knows, death is always tragic and never convenient for those left behind. If you find the act to be 'conceptually' difficult then I would suggest that you step back and give yourself more time to make a decision. This is a pro-choice forum...really...many here prefer that others live. We just understand that living is not for everyone.

 

[mea.culpa]

There are a lot of people on this site with exactly the same issues. Most have no desire to traumatize anyone, even strangers. How much more difficult when the people you leave behind are loved. If, however you had a serious, agonizing disease/disorder would it then be acceptable? My brother killed himself many moons ago. I still miss him, but he would never have done such a thing had there been anything else he could do. Everybody dies somehow, and take it from someone who knows, death is always tragic and never convenient for those left behind.

Unfortunately I have no such debilitating illness. I agree that it would make things a lot easier for my loved ones to accept, were that the case.

 

[Stillnotsure]

In my opinion, fear of ctb, survival instinct, failed attempts, are all there for a reason. Call it fate, or stars aligning, or god, or whatever supernatural thing you want. Everything is intertwined. If you can't overcome your fear or survival instinct it is because you are not done here. When it is your day to die, death finds you. When it is not... well, there you have it.

 

[mea.culpa]

In my opinion, fear of ctb, survival instinct, failed attempts, are all there for a reason. Call it fate, or stars aligning, or god, or whatever supernatural thing you want. Everything is intertwined. If you can't overcome your fear or survival instinct it is because you are not done here. When it is your day to die, death finds you. When it is not... well, there you have it.

Not trying to be rude, but your reply seems as if you did not read my post thoroughly. I don't fear my death. I hope every day that something happens to me; I drive 20+ over the speed limit consistently while under the influence of various recreational drugs; I am confrontational towards people I know could fuck my shit up (I'm not a big guy) ; et cetera but nothing has come of any of these reckless lifestyle choices.

 

[Stillnotsure]

Not trying to be rude, but your reply seems as if you did not read my post thoroughly. I don't fear my death. I hope every day that something happens to me; I drive 20+ over the speed limit consistently while under the influence of various recreational drugs; I am confrontational towards people I know could fuck my shit up (I'm not a big guy) ; et cetera but nothing has come of any of these reckless lifestyle choices.

Maybe you misunderstood my reply. I don't think you fear death. I was simply saying that any reason we don't succeed, is because we aren't meant to, in my opinion. I'm stuck here for numerous reasons and despite my best efforts, can't ctb. Now I must try to move on, or continue to feel the agony I'm in. I was just stating that we can't die when it isn't our time anymore than we can beg and pray, and plead for a loved one to live when it is there time to go.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

In my opinion, fear of ctb, survival instinct, failed attempts, are all there for a reason. Call it fate, or stars aligning, or god, or whatever supernatural thing you want. Everything is intertwined. If you can't overcome your fear or survival instinct it is because you are not done here. When it is your day to die, death finds you. When it is not... well, there you have it.

Pro life as apposed to pro choice?

Maybe you misunderstood my reply. I don't think you fear death. I was simply saying that any reason we don't succeed, is because we aren't meant to, in my opinion. I'm stuck here for numerous reasons and despite my best efforts, can't ctb. Now I must try to move on, or continue to feel the agony I'm in. I was just stating that we can't die when it isn't our time anymore than we can beg and pray, and plead for a loved one to live when it is there time to go.

How do you move on? What if you are dying a slow agonizing death, chronically diseased...? Many people kill themselves quite successfully. If it was merely their time...they wouldn't have to prepare for their own passing...would they?
Changing my name to typoqueen...sheesh...not trying to be flippant, just puzzled...

 

[Deleted member 1768]

Unfortunately I have no such debilitating illness. I agree that it would make things a lot easier for my loved ones to accept, were that the case.

Debilitating illness comes in all forms. Suicide does not come of itself. There are always mitigating factors, and agony can most assuredly be of the mind.

 

[mea.culpa]

Debilitating illness comes in all forms. Suicide does not come of itself. There are always mitigating factors, and agony can most assuredly be of the mind.

I completely agree, but unfortunately we live in a society that only acknowledges the severity of illnesses that are visible on the outside.

 

[Weems]

I drive 20+ over the speed limit consistently while under the influence of various recreational drugs

Could you not?

CTB all you want, but there are other people in the world.