acidkitsune23
Member
- Jun 20, 2024
- 5
Ok, so this is my first post to this forum.. site? I'm sorry I don't know what to call it, but I don't want to annoy my friends and I don't want to worry my family, so I'm just going to stick here until I sort my shit out.
I started therapy in early 2023 (or late 2022, I don't quite remember), and my therapist left for a plastic surgery job. He's a trans dude and so am I, so I honestly felt connected with him and trusted him, but I just miss him. He accepted me for who I was (Not that my family doesn't, but nobody in my household understands since they aren't queer/trans yk?) I don't want to go back into therapy unless it's someone who I can trust, and even then, my outlook on life never got any better.
I've been self-harming since I was about 8 - 9, but I never used any blades up until a couple of years ago. I have so many scars down my thighs, arms, shoulders, and some that are barely visible on my stomach and ankles. I've gotten better with recovery and urges, but I feel like I'm starting to spiral back into my old mindsets. For example, I used to cut almost weekly. If I didn't cut, I punched myself until there were bruises, brushed my teeth so hard they started to bleed, and constantly overslept. I had such a horrible mindset, and I hate to talk about this instance because it was so childish and stupid, but here goes nothing.
When I was about 13, my mom took my laptop away because I wasn't supposed to be on it (I was grounded for a year, and the way I got caught was so funny but the rest is what makes me hesitant to talk about this), for clarification, It was taken away because I had social media apps that I wasn't supposed to (discord LOLOL). It was my only form of communication since I was homeschooled, and my phone had been taken away too. After about 30 minutes of screaming and lectures, I threatened to kill myself. Embarrassingly enough, I fully intended to do it. I don't know how I wasn't put into a mental hospital for that, but seeing my mom run out of the house to compose herself still makes me feel horrible to this day.
Ig I could say I've been suicidal for a while? Like a LONG while. Idk if I'm being dramatic, but I've always fantasized about being gone. Not in the picture, being someone else, etc. I don't intend to kill myself, I just feel like I'm.. disturbed? I just want to be seen, but not seen as an attention seeker. I want to BE something, someone else. Anyone else.
This post is going to be all over the place I'm so sorry jsehdkjdsfjjsdjsj
The thing that has impacted me the most is the death of my dog and my aunt.
My aunt was a wonderful woman. She was so funny and charismatic, she loved horror movies (Stephen King especially, she had a LOT of his books) and cats, and she spoiled me half to death. The fond memories I have of her are mainly me sitting outside with her while she was smoking, talking about life with her, or anything silly like that. I miss that. I miss her.
In 2021 she was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer (Astrocytoma), I remember the day so vividly. I was watching the newest episode of Wandavision with my mom when she got that call. She died in April 2022. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
I have healthy ways of coping but I end up going back to self-harm again and again. I have probably like 13 styro scars
, but since I haven't done it in a while I'm waaay too pussy to do that again
I suspect that I have BPD (I'm working on getting a diagnosis sometime soon), but I don't know.
If you have any coping suggestions (I know this is a forum about suicide and methods, but it's for talking about suicide and self-harm in general so I'm assuming this is ok to ask?) PLEASE tell me I beg of you
I'm literally a bedrotter who plays silly video games all day I can't live like this anymore
I started therapy in early 2023 (or late 2022, I don't quite remember), and my therapist left for a plastic surgery job. He's a trans dude and so am I, so I honestly felt connected with him and trusted him, but I just miss him. He accepted me for who I was (Not that my family doesn't, but nobody in my household understands since they aren't queer/trans yk?) I don't want to go back into therapy unless it's someone who I can trust, and even then, my outlook on life never got any better.
I've been self-harming since I was about 8 - 9, but I never used any blades up until a couple of years ago. I have so many scars down my thighs, arms, shoulders, and some that are barely visible on my stomach and ankles. I've gotten better with recovery and urges, but I feel like I'm starting to spiral back into my old mindsets. For example, I used to cut almost weekly. If I didn't cut, I punched myself until there were bruises, brushed my teeth so hard they started to bleed, and constantly overslept. I had such a horrible mindset, and I hate to talk about this instance because it was so childish and stupid, but here goes nothing.
When I was about 13, my mom took my laptop away because I wasn't supposed to be on it (I was grounded for a year, and the way I got caught was so funny but the rest is what makes me hesitant to talk about this), for clarification, It was taken away because I had social media apps that I wasn't supposed to (discord LOLOL). It was my only form of communication since I was homeschooled, and my phone had been taken away too. After about 30 minutes of screaming and lectures, I threatened to kill myself. Embarrassingly enough, I fully intended to do it. I don't know how I wasn't put into a mental hospital for that, but seeing my mom run out of the house to compose herself still makes me feel horrible to this day.
Ig I could say I've been suicidal for a while? Like a LONG while. Idk if I'm being dramatic, but I've always fantasized about being gone. Not in the picture, being someone else, etc. I don't intend to kill myself, I just feel like I'm.. disturbed? I just want to be seen, but not seen as an attention seeker. I want to BE something, someone else. Anyone else.
This post is going to be all over the place I'm so sorry jsehdkjdsfjjsdjsj
The thing that has impacted me the most is the death of my dog and my aunt.
My aunt was a wonderful woman. She was so funny and charismatic, she loved horror movies (Stephen King especially, she had a LOT of his books) and cats, and she spoiled me half to death. The fond memories I have of her are mainly me sitting outside with her while she was smoking, talking about life with her, or anything silly like that. I miss that. I miss her.
In 2021 she was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer (Astrocytoma), I remember the day so vividly. I was watching the newest episode of Wandavision with my mom when she got that call. She died in April 2022. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
I have healthy ways of coping but I end up going back to self-harm again and again. I have probably like 13 styro scars
, but since I haven't done it in a while I'm waaay too pussy to do that againI suspect that I have BPD (I'm working on getting a diagnosis sometime soon), but I don't know.
If you have any coping suggestions (I know this is a forum about suicide and methods, but it's for talking about suicide and self-harm in general so I'm assuming this is ok to ask?) PLEASE tell me I beg of you
I'm literally a bedrotter who plays silly video games all day I can't live like this anymore
