Venting Over this life!

[lostwithoutmylove]

My boyfriend died while we were on holiday in June and I've been finding it very difficult to not try and join him. He was my soulmate and honestly made me so happy being with him. I have two kids from a previous relationship and he was fully prepared to be involved as a father in their lives. We had so much planned for the future we were making together and then suddenly...he's gone.

I try and think positively that he's in a better place than this mess of a planet full of sorrow and sadness, but it's not helping me cope. Honestly I just want everything to stop but it just keeps moving forward. Tried therapy but honestly crying in front of someone wasn't helping me. I'm going to try antidepressants and see how that goes but I would prefer a really high building and jump. The only thing really stopping me is the people who love me in this life want me here. Though I find it selfish of them

I just feel like a part of me has died and as someone that was very happy, doing everything I should be doing in life...study, career, family and had a strong belief in God. I feel like my life has imploded around me and my belief system shaken. I mean what kind of God would do this to people that were not harming anyone, living as best as we could and being in love. Happy!

I can't see a purpose in being here anymore because I thought I was living in my purpose and doing what made me happy only for this to happen and my happiness robbed. I just feel lost, confused and over it all. I can't even find joy in my kids anymore. I can't find joy in anything and if I happen to I feel guilty because my partner isn't here to enjoy it with me.

I'm in my late 20's and the idea of having to live years without him is honestly disturbing. Every morning I wake up and I'm angry I didn't die in my sleep. Honestly if there is a God then I imagine they are also the devil because they must find some pleasure in suffering. If not my prayer to die would have been answered.

I don't know what to do but I know I definitely don't want to be on this plant much longer...

 

[woxihuanni]

mean what kind of God would do this to people that were not harming anyone, living as best as we could and being in love. Happy!

I hope you find peace.

I don't have religion, and I am also grieving. But if you have discovered the problem of evil through this, it must have come as a shock naturally. I fully well knew when I was personally happy that at the moment there were kids being raped all over the world, and just lived with that fact.

On a side note, children discover the problem of evil when their parent dies, if not before.

 

[lostwithoutmylove]

I hope you find peace.

I don't have religion, and I am also grieving. But if you have discovered the problem of evil through this, it must have come as a shock naturally. I fully well knew when I was personally happy that at the moment there were kids being raped all over the world, and just lived with that fact.

On a side note, children discover the problem of evil when their parent dies, if not before.

I knew of evil but I guess the real reality never quite sinks in until it visits you...I've always been a person to help others also, so I guess it feel undeserving. But in the same breath everyone feels undeserving of their own suffering. IDK what to think or feel anymore...

 

[woxihuanni]

I knew of evil but I guess the real reality never quite sinks in until it visits you...I've always been a person to help others also, so I guess it feel undeserving. But in the same breath everyone feels undeserving of their own suffering. IDK what to think or feel anymore...

Neither do I... I'm sorry it has come to it for all of us.
You know, if my partner died I would kill myself. It is an even worse kind of grief they chose to die to me, while they enjoy themselves immensely at the cost my life. Because they are a puppet to someone who would threaten suicide, while I will just quietly go through with it. Oh, and they told me to die when they suspected I might have a pro-chance stance. Good on them, I always listen to them, don't I, being so meek and mild?

I deserved all of this precisely because I was 'good. Apparently the sugary poison of the other person is attractive, my level-headedness is boring. I cannot even cry sweet tears. :) Wish I could just turn the taps on.