Story Our Hidden Pain: Anthony Bourdain

[TheLastTrip]

Hey everyone!

I just thought I would write a post about how sometimes our suffering is not as obvious as people would think. I have had a few people ask me if I really want to ctb as I seem to be happy enough here on the forum.

So I thought I would use an example to show that sometimes our pain is hidden, sometimes deep. Personally I have spent a lifetime hiding mine to avoid people trying to intervene or give hollow platitudes that they hope you feel better etc and then trying to avoid you to avoid the awkwardness of you being 'sad'.

The example involves a popular TV personality, author and chef called Anthony Bourdain. I heard about this guy taking his own life earlier this year and thought that showed that money and fame could not necessarily make you happy. However I watched his show for the first time on the plane and I saw a whole new side to this.

He was everything I could personally hope to be, he was tall and strong, good looking, wealthy and famous (ok I don't want the fame, so mostly everything I could want), and more importantly, he was popular and had the social skills that I so badly lack. On the show he talks easily with people around the world, and more importantly people like being around him, he can talk to people, have fun on a night out and not make a fool of himself, I watched him with a room full of the best chefs in the world and they went out drinking and eating together, laughing and joking, he wasn't socially awkward at all, at least not outwardly, and people loved to be around him.

He was depressed though, and in the middle of filming a series (in the middle of filming an episode over a few days actually), when at a hotel with his best friend, he hung himself in the bathroom. No mean feat as he was a tall guy so that took planning and guts to follow it through without backing out (I assume he did partial, else they had high ceilings!).

So please don't judge people's pain based on some forum posts online, or based on how happy they seem if you see them out, just because someone is not locked in their room or crying their eyes out etc does not mean they are not suffering inside, everyone on this forum is suffering (or used to and is working through it) or we wouldn't be here. If any of us had sat in a restaurant near Anthony Bourdain in his last days we'd have seen a confident, charismatic TV star who was always happy to give fans his time, and who laughed and joked and was surrounded by friends. Yet deep inside he must have been planning to hang himself at the same time as he was laughing and joking away.

Hell, for all we know he might have browsed this forum from time to time, or even been a member.

I hope he is at peace now.

 

[OkTotti]

Not to demean his character.. i'm not...but Bourdain suffered from past drug and alcohol addiction. Perhaps he relapsed and he hated himself for it? i thought he had the greatest job in the world and had a beautiful girlfriend....

 

[Johnnythefox]

I highly recommend his book "Kitchen Confidential" mental health problems are common among chefs, I speak from experience. The industry is rife with alcohol and drug abuse owing to the stress of the job.
https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/michelin-and-the-deaths-of-two-french-chefs

 

[Schopenhauer]

Suffering in silence is a common theme. It's always best to put out an outward appearance of happiness (or at least contented resignation) in order to avoid awkward interactions. This is important even professionally, because a depressed attitude all too often hampers you at job opportunities. That's why those who can fake it.

 

[Johnnythefox]

There are many throughout time who outwardly appeared to have it all only to go the same road.

 

[Dog Food]

I remember I used to watch his show with my mom. It was our "bonding time." I hid my depression and eating disorder for too long as well.

Unfortunately, the way our society is set up, you either hide your depression or you flaunt it like it's "cool." I had a friend who committed suicide with no warning whatsoever and an acquaintance who lied about attempting suicide multiple times.

 

[longingforrelease]

Not to demean his character.. i'm not...but Bourdain suffered from past drug and alcohol addiction. Perhaps he relapsed and he hated himself for it? i thought he had the greatest job in the world and had a beautiful girlfriend....

self-medicating is very common among certain mental illnesses like bipolar. I'm certainly an example of that. We try anything to keep the demons at bay. Unfortunately, though drugs and alcohol may help in the very short term, they invariably worsen the condition - deepen the depressions in particular. So the combination of something like bipolar and drugs/alcohol is a particularly high "risk factor" for suicide. It's certainly a big part of what's led me to this place.

 

[OkTotti]

I wonder how Bourdain hung himself in the Bathroom. The shower rod supported his weight? i know the press does not go into these details but i I wondered if he hung himself using a blood choking method or just strangled himself to death....

 

[TheLastTrip]

self-medicating is very common among certain mental illnesses like bipolar. I'm certainly an example of that. We try anything to keep the demons at bay. Unfortunately, though drugs and alcohol may help in the very short term, they invariably worsen the condition - deepen the depressions in particular. So the combination of something like bipolar and drugs/alcohol is a particularly high "risk factor" for suicide. It's certainly a big part of what's led me to this place.

Yes I have been there and done that, and yes it always made it worse :(

I wonder how Bourdain hung himself in the Bathroom. The shower rod supported his weight? i know the press does not go into these details but i I wondered if he hung himself using a blood choking method or just strangled himself to death....

I was wondering that, but he was wealthy so he might have been staying at a really fancy hotel with exposed wooden beams etc, he wouldn't have a hotel bathroom like us normal folk ;) He could have done it over the door like some people do though, from the handle on the back and over the top?

 

[TAW122]

This is very true, there are most likely similar people around society and you never know who may be on the edge or also thinking like us. They put on a really, really good mask for the public and usually no one (except for people closest to them and even then sometimes they don't see it coming either) knows until after it happens. Personally, I wouldn't say that I have it all as I'm still struggling to get by in society and what not, but on paper, for people who don't know my background, I suppose I could pass as normal to them.

 

[longingforrelease]

Yes I have been there and done that, and yes it always made it worse :(



I was wondering that, but he was wealthy so he might have been staying at a really fancy hotel with exposed wooden beams etc, he wouldn't have a hotel bathroom like us normal folk ;) He could have done it over the door like some people do though, from the handle on the back and over the top?

yep, always worse, never better. In my case, though I had been sober in AA for 15 years, I started taking Ritalin for my ADD.. But I found that it so hugely helped me with my depression - I mean it was like magic, it lifted my spirits like nothing else had ever done - that it wasn't long before I was taking more and more of it (my doctor kept prescribing heavier and heavier doses because he as sure that since I had beaten my alcohol problem I was strong enough to to manage something as addictive as amphetamines). What I, or apparently even my doctor didn't know, is that Ritalin is known to spark manic episodes in bipolar patients. It turns out doctors and NEVER supposed to prescribe Ritalin to a bipolar patient. Well the short of it, I went massively manic for like two years (didn't know what was happening to me, since all I had ever had were hypomanic episodes) and destroyed my life. Went hypersexual (a common manic thing) and started cheating on my wife, hooking up with escorts, got involved with meth and it all came crashing down: lost a tenured university position, my wife left me, had to sell the house to avoid eviction, and the only job in my field I could find is a world away from my daughter.

As for outward appearances, no one around me now would have a clue as to how much pain I'm in. In the classroom I'm popular with my students, etc. I think for many of us, we have a lifetime of making it look OK on the outside. That's why Iove this site so much. Nowhere else have I been able to honestly share how I really feel about the horrible things I did (like getting involved with escorts), the pain I caused my ex-wife, etc.

 

[rabid_squirrel]

I don't know this Anthony Bourdain person,but I can relate.
My job involved interacting with people,I had to talk a lot in my job,I've learned to put the mask on ever since I was a teenager.I was a sociable and popular kid pre teen,so it's not too hard for me to continue assuming that facade. Everyone likes a cheerful,extrovert and sociable person,it's just how the society is.No one can guess I have depression unless I tell them.Sometimes even I told them,they thought I was joking.
It's actually very draining,sometimes I feel as if I had a split personality.
Appearances are deceiving,no one can really see how a person really is at a superficial level.People can get depressed from poverty or broken relationships,but not all depression is about money and relationships.

 

[TheLastTrip]

yep, always worse, never better. In my case, though I had been sober in AA for 15 years, I started taking Ritalin for my ADD.. But I found that it so hugely helped me with my depression - I mean it was like magic, it lifted my spirits like nothing else had ever done - that it wasn't long before I was taking more and more of it (my doctor kept prescribing heavier and heavier doses because he as sure that since I had beaten my alcohol problem I was strong enough to to manage something as addictive as amphetamines). What I, or apparently even my doctor didn't know, is that Ritalin is known to spark manic episodes in bipolar patients. It turns out doctors and NEVER supposed to prescribe Ritalin to a bipolar patient. Well the short of it, I went massively manic for like two years (didn't know what was happening to me, since all I had ever had were hypomanic episodes) and destroyed my life. Went hypersexual (a common manic thing) and started cheating on my wife, hooking up with escorts, got involved with meth and it all came crashing down: lost a tenured university position, my wife left me, had to sell the house to avoid eviction, and the only job in my field I could find is a world away from my daughter.

As for outward appearances, no one around me now would have a clue as to how much pain I'm in. In the classroom I'm popular with my students, etc. I think for many of us, we have a lifetime of making it look OK on the outside. That's why Iove this site so much. Nowhere else have I been able to honestly share how I really feel about the horrible things I did (like getting involved with escorts), the pain I caused my ex-wife, etc.

Oh god is that what sparked that episode which ruined everything? I knew what you had done, but not the trigger for it, I am so sorry that happened, one doctor's ignorance cost you everything :( *hugs*

 

[TheLastTrip]

My job involved interacting with people,I had to talk a lot in my job,I've learned to put the mask on ever since I was a teenager.I was a sociable and popular kid pre teen,so it's not too hard for me to continue assuming that facade. Everyone likes a cheerful,extrovert and sociable person,it's just how the society is.No one can guess I have depression unless I tell them.Sometimes even I told them,they thought I was joking.
It's actually very draining,sometimes I feel as if I had a split personality.

Yes keeping up the mask is exhausting, I know that too well.

 

[longingforrelease]

Oh god is that what sparked that episode which ruined everything? I knew what you had done, but not the trigger for it, I am so sorry that happened, one doctor's ignorance cost you everything :( *hugs*

thank you for that. Hugs received. And yes, that's the story. My life was sailing along and I was filled with joy - a life I credited to the spiritually (not religious) grounded way of life that I learned in AA. But I always suffered from ADD and as an academic that caused me problems. I had a very hard time finishing articles that I had to read for research or finish writing projects, etc. So one day I thought, what the hell, why not try to treat it. And it first it worked like magic. My dean assigned me a summer project studying the state of certain academic programs at our university. And in 30 days I went from knowing basically nothing about the subject to submitting a 50 page report that was very well received. (In fact, I saw on facebook recently that a summer workshop held on my former campus, my report was the assigned reading for participants.) So again, at first, it seemed like a great choice. But slowly it took hold of me. The emotional/mood lift became more and more important than the improved concentration. And as and alcoholic wired to abuse substances, it wasn't long before the doses started growing and growing. My interest in porn started to grow too, but I didn't think much of it. But then one day, during a trip to Zurich Switzerland for a conference I went for an innocent walk. After the third young hottie hit on me, I realized I was in the red light district. Without thinking about anything, I said yes to one and from that point it was all over. The next two years were simply a blur of just crazy behavior. And now I live alone in S. E Asia pining for a lost life.

 

[TheLastTrip]

I don't know any words that I can offer to console you, it's just crazy how quickly a life can change. It sucks how you got to this place, but hopefully once you're on the bus you can stop hurting and find your peace.

 

[longingforrelease]

@TheLastTrip I really appreciate your expressions of concern. I really do. My life crashed so hard and so fast it's hard even for me to comprehend sometimes. But It's so good to be able to share my experience with you -- including all the sordid details like sleeping with prostitutes -- I've been too ashamed to discuss with anyone else. It really does me so much good to know that there are people like you who may not have my experiences or even have quite a different perhaps opposite set of life experiences (like some here have suffered their whole lives from crippling social anxiety that has meant a lifetime of isolation for them, while others have been extroverts and always been surrounded by friends) yet still sympathize with me apparently without judgement of any kind. Maybe it's because whatever our life experiences have been, they've led us all to a common condition of such intolerable pain that we all now seriously entertain the prospect of choosing our own deaths. That seems to make us a rather special group of fellow travelers. You are an important part of that group for which I am so grateful.

 

[YoungThugLover]

I mean i get where he was coming from though

Anthony is no ordinary human he saw damn near EVERYTHING the planet had to offer, did a lot of psychedelics when he was younger and appeared to be in an enlightened state to a degree where he wasnt worried about social norms or the taboo of suicide he also mentioned in interviews a history of depression.

Idk how long he planned his death but he was in his 60s, had done everything life had to offer, was in paris and probably figured what else is left? Why watch yourself decay and wrinkle. A long life isnt measured by years on the planet but what you do while here

 

[YoungThugLover]

The day he died i ate those flavored crickets for him lol

 

[Trashcan]

Some people seem to not realize that some people are good at hiding their pain or can function. Just because I can hold down a job doesn't mean I'm not depressed. Just because someone's smiling doesn't mean they're happy. There was some news article about a British snowboarder who hanged herself on her 18th birthday. There was a picture of her at her cousin's wedding just a few weeks before, smiling. A news article talking about her suicide had that photo of her and said, "a carefree teenager" as the caption. She hanged herself (full suspension) a few weeks later. She was not carefree. She might have also been putting on a happy face for her cousin's wedding.

 

[longingforrelease]

Some people seem to not realize that some people are good at hiding their pain or can function. Just because I can hold down a job doesn't mean I'm not depressed. Just because someone's smiling doesn't mean they're happy. There was some news article about a British snowboarder who hanged herself on her 18th birthday. There was a picture of her at her cousin's wedding just a few weeks before, smiling. A news article talking about her suicide had that photo of her and said, "a carefree teenager" as the caption. She hanged herself (full suspension) a few weeks later. She was not carefree. She might have also been putting on a happy face for her cousin's wedding.

yep. You're so right. I have a lifetime of experience of hiding pain. Just the other day one of my students said the sweetest thing to me. She said she wanted me to know how much the students on campus enjoy having me here, that I was a good presence in their lives. I was touched deeply both by the kindness of her words but also by how little they could apparently see of the pain I carry around with me.

 

[piratemaverick]

I highly recommend his book "Kitchen Confidential" mental health problems are common among chefs, I speak from experience. The industry is rife with alcohol and drug abuse owing to the stress of the job.
https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/michelin-and-the-deaths-of-two-french-chefs

i work in the restaurant industry as well. i totally agree. the shit that goes on in the kitchen is crazy. lots of drug use and alcohol abuse. its crazy i have worked in restaurants for over 10 years and can totally empathize with Bourdain. He was a hero to many but behind closed doors he suffered mental torment and he was such a gentleman, he never put any of that weight, of depression, on anybody else. much respect to him for not dragging anybody else into sadness with him. I hope people understand depression is not a choice, some of us were born with it. RIP A.B

 

[OnlyMercy]

I feel the facade many of us put out is involuntary to a large degree.

I know that personally, it is pointless discussing suicidal ideation with "normal" people as they don't quite see suicide as a viable option and won't understand my perspective or pain as it does not manifest itself in blood or any visible form of injury.

I'd much rather keep the suffering to myself under these conditions than be continously misunderstood or have my agony invalidated.

 

[TheLastTrip]

@TheLastTrip I really appreciate your expressions of concern. I really do. My life crashed so hard and so fast it's hard even for me to comprehend sometimes. But It's so good to be able to share my experience with you -- including all the sordid details like sleeping with prostitutes -- I've been too ashamed to discuss with anyone else. It really does me so much good to know that there are people like you who may not have my experiences or even have quite a different perhaps opposite set of life experiences (like some here have suffered their whole lives from crippling social anxiety that has meant a lifetime of isolation for them, while others have been extroverts and always been surrounded by friends) yet still sympathize with me apparently without judgement of any kind. Maybe it's because whatever our life experiences have been, they've led us all to a common condition of such intolerable pain that we all now seriously entertain the prospect of choosing our own deaths. That seems to make us a rather special group of fellow travelers. You are an important part of that group for which I am so grateful.

I'm glad I could offer some non-judgmental support and that it helps you in even a small way on your journey to find peace. Yes this group is one of shared pain, even when the sources of that pain vary so much, it's the glue that binds us together and allows us to reach a common understanding and empathy with one another.

 

[TheLastTrip]

Some people seem to not realize that some people are good at hiding their pain or can function. Just because I can hold down a job doesn't mean I'm not depressed. Just because someone's smiling doesn't mean they're happy. There was some news article about a British snowboarder who hanged herself on her 18th birthday. There was a picture of her at her cousin's wedding just a few weeks before, smiling. A news article talking about her suicide had that photo of her and said, "a carefree teenager" as the caption. She hanged herself (full suspension) a few weeks later. She was not carefree. She might have also been putting on a happy face for her cousin's wedding.

There have been a few like that this year (I mean people you might look at and think they couldn't understand your problems and pain):

• Avicii (Tim Bergling) – the world famous Swedish DJ.
• Sophie Gradon – a former Miss Great Britain and a star of Love Island.
• Ellie Soutter – an 18 year old Olympic snowboarder (the one you were talking about)
• Wayne Ewer – a good looking, happy, confident business man with a loving and beautiful radio star girlfriend.
• Sinead McNamara – a stunning 20 year old instagram model working on a billionaire's yacht and sailing the world.
• Mac Miller – a successful rap artist.

All the above ctb in various ways in 2018. Rest in peace one and all.

 

[longingforrelease]

I'm glad I could offer some non-judgmental support and that it helps you in even a small way on your journey to find peace. Yes this group is one of shared pain, even when the sources of that pain vary so much, it's the glue that binds us together and allows us to reach a common understanding and empathy with one another.

well said