Discussion Other thoughts on ctb

[triedandtired]

Hi everyone. I've lurked on here for a little bit, but this is my first time posting. I've been trying to ctb on and off for about 11 years, having issues with depression, and possibly having some kind of personality disorder. Recently I've had a lot of mental upset whilst dating a guy I've liked, and unfortunately he ended things because I wasn't out to my family. He was kind and respectful during it, wanted to stay friends but also respecting my requests for space. He's been nothing but kind, and I've tried to make sure he understands that I appreciate that. But sometimes, I just wish he was an asshole, just to make the pain feel more justified. Obviously there's more at play, but this is what made me realise nothing would ever change, and my only route out is to ctb.

I've taken some time to research and I know I could get SN. However, every time I've tried, things have held me back. I guess SI, but I just wanted to discuss these, and see if anyone else felt this way.

1) I'm sure it's common to consider guilt, about the impact ctb can have around us. I know it's not true for every person, but it's something I find tricky, having eternally tried to please people. It's also tricky in my position, as I'm in a role where I have to take care of people. I don't want to let people down, but I'm just so tired.

2) Do people ever wish their life was like a movie, that at the moment they ctb or just before, things somehow turn around, and it all gets better? I know better, but it's just wistful thinking at times.

3) I don't want to die alone. I don't really want to look for an online or offline partner, I don't think I want to die with someone. But I just wouldn't want to die completely by myself, without hearing someone's voice or their presence at least as a comfort.

4) The legal and moral worries of ordering SN. I think that's hopefully self explanatory.

5) If something goes wrong, and I survive but I'm permanently affected negatively as a result - I would have put that completely on myself.

6) I guess the final thing, is can you both want to ctb and still want to live at times? I can't see any hope to keep going, but dying can be so scary at times. It's just hard to reconcile.

I apologise if my thoughts are messy, and I'm not looking for answers but just needed to get my thoughts out there and would appreciate anyone else's thoughts on this.

 

[human909]

I guess the final thing, is can you both want to ctb and still want to live at times?

I know that feeling since it happens sometimes to me, i have no idea what to do with feeling when it comes up.

 

[cyclicism]

1) I'm sure it's common to consider guilt, about the impact ctb can have around us.

I most definitely share this. All I know is that if I ever ctb, I'm going to do the best I can to set things up for the people I'm leaving behind (and it will also serve as the final nails in the coffin that, yes, it's happening).

5) If something goes wrong, and I survive but I'm permanently affected negatively as a result - I would have put that completely on myself.

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean by this (specifially 'I would have put that completely on myself). Either way, I completely understand the fear of a failed attempt. Forced to continue living, now with more problems than before? It's terrifying.

6) I guess the final thing, is can you both want to ctb and still want to live at times? I can't see any hope to keep going, but dying can be so scary at times. It's just hard to reconcile.

Most definitely. Being suicidal is not always at a constant 100. Personally, my life is a cycle of really bad downs, and o.k. ups. Sometimes I feel the distant urge to ctb at all points in the cycle. Sometimes I'm at a low where I desire nothing, not even to ctb - it's just too much effort. And other times I feel good enough to mourn the fact that I ever considered ctbing at all.

Also I like the way you structured the post, idk the way it's organized is very pleasing to me - fun to reply to :)

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Welcome and I deeply appreciate your interest in sn and using that as your method and reasoning behind why you chose this, and for what I can say regarding how you feel about your boyfriend or who you consider your partner, it's completely valid to not want anything out of it, either, if you have been dealing with ctbing for years and needing to be alive for him and to exist to be alive for others.

That's where the hard part usually comes in because people often resonate with themselves over a sense a guilt from needing to live for whatever reason to justify the needs of someone else who they assume — even in their own presumed circle — would need all their space and energy to make amends for them to be alive to keep everyone happy and make everything livelier, and you aren't wrong for needing to leave out of that delusion if it is hurting you.

You often mentioned the feelings you felt equally describing it as guilt, regret, need, fear, want, and a memory that feels forgotten or dream through the lenses of crafted emotional devices which people have on their mind and you are bottling a lot of thought into where you are choosing to direct your conscious efforts and the feeling of a timeline of things at stake for you that you feel like it's something that could potentially be temporary or a temporary feeling not made for you and this is what happens when you analyze and project the idea on your emotions a lot because needing time and feeling an emotion is a very real factor of indicating isolation, loneliness, and pain, and something tells me you were alone for a long time for you to equally part with the idea of wondering to add if suicide with another was normal, even to not want to come to that conclusion for yourself out of self respect, which is something people do when they have gone through most pain they self isolate and sty their distance, and I don't know if this answers your question, but this is the most perfectly descriptive summary of wanting and needing ctb equally in that battle for your own self and don't worry and don't stress, but please consider how you feel and continue finding closure in your ctb and your self and don't allow the idea to consume you but rather embrace and embark you on an adventure and a scenery of hope of peace when you do do it and don't allow yourself to be afraid of being alive afterwards as the fear is all too normal sadly for many, but give yourself room to not give up and to grow if you must