uniqueusername4
died a long time ago
- Aug 13, 2023
- 182
I just ordered benzos for the sn method. I had to wait for my bitcoin to process, it took forever but I finally was able to follow the guide and access the markets needed to order. Now that I've done that, once it is here, I have my whole ctb kit ready. I just followed the guide on this site, it worked well.
I've had a lot of life changes recently and have been going back and forth about what I want. A lot of it is out of fear. The recent battle on sn via pro lifers on the site and reading about the concept of quantum immortality has done a number on me. I know logically that sn is a peaceful method for the most part and that there aren't long term side effects from an sn fail. I think constantly reading about these fake accounts where they feel every symptom possible to the max is not good though, even if I am aware they are fake. I'm just going to try not to think about quantum immortality as that is such a terrible fate. I think I need to a long break from this website for that reason. I think it could be making it harder to ctb reading about these ideas that prolifers keep sprinkling in here. It sucks because this place makes me feel better too or it used to. I think I will be more likely to ctb without it, thanks prolifers, y'all are doing exactly the opposite of what you want. Not to mention that creating this tension only makes ctb even more scarce and people are going to act on it while they can. So to all the freaks out there who think they are being a hero, you're not. You're harming a community that has already been excessively harmed and making us feel as if we have to ctb right away because people are taking our resources away.
I don't think that I am going to be able to make a decision about ctb or take action on it at the moment because I am quite literally high 24/7- weed- (I guess it wears off at some point when I am sleeping, but I am one of those wake and bake the whole day type people). I've obviously been using this as a coping mechanism to get through the days, but I feel like it makes me too unmotivated to do anything. I am not making progress in life or in death. I also think I haven't been sober for 6 years, maybe I should see what that is like. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was younger and recently have learned so much about how ADHD and autism are on the same spectrum and they don't know where one begins and one ends. If I am autistic, it makes a lot more sense why it is so impossible for me to make and maintain connections. Not being able to blur the lines when people cross boundaries makes it pretty much impossible for me to feel safe as a suicidal human. But anyway, I think I have been using the weed to mask these things quite a bit too. Weed helps me appear more "normal". I've tried to quit in the past and it becomes really difficult not to impulsively ctb when I am not high. I am going to try my best to get sober and take a long break from this website (starting after my current stash runs out, hopefully less than a week) and try to get the clarity to make a decision. I will still be around on here for a few days at least if anyone wants to message me. I know that autistic people are more likely to commit suicide and I know that if this world wasn't so ableist, I probably wouldn't want to die. It kind of sucks having this knowledge because it makes it feel like it isn't my choice as much because I didn't design this world. I'm curious if other people are also not sober 24/7, does anyone else cope like that? and if so, how does it effect your ctb journey?
If I don't end up visiting the site again after deciding, and this is my last post, I am so grateful for its existence. It gave me a safe space to vent and allowed me to meet so many kind like minded humans. The mods are incredible, you guys handle so many issues, v mindful. I will always keep up the fight for the right to die, no matter what my choice ends up being.
Also, just something I've been pondering. As the world gets closer to impending climate change doom, wouldn't suicides be a positive thing for society? Obviously not for everyone but for the people who have a chronic physical/mental illness. I think I got this idea after visiting the church of euthanasia site. After reading that, I am confused as to why the hell our government gives af if we survive. They shouldn't be encouraging it necessarily but letting suicides naturally occur as they do without so much interference would decrease the world population?? helping climate change?? I think we're the only rational thinkers left.
I've had a lot of life changes recently and have been going back and forth about what I want. A lot of it is out of fear. The recent battle on sn via pro lifers on the site and reading about the concept of quantum immortality has done a number on me. I know logically that sn is a peaceful method for the most part and that there aren't long term side effects from an sn fail. I think constantly reading about these fake accounts where they feel every symptom possible to the max is not good though, even if I am aware they are fake. I'm just going to try not to think about quantum immortality as that is such a terrible fate. I think I need to a long break from this website for that reason. I think it could be making it harder to ctb reading about these ideas that prolifers keep sprinkling in here. It sucks because this place makes me feel better too or it used to. I think I will be more likely to ctb without it, thanks prolifers, y'all are doing exactly the opposite of what you want. Not to mention that creating this tension only makes ctb even more scarce and people are going to act on it while they can. So to all the freaks out there who think they are being a hero, you're not. You're harming a community that has already been excessively harmed and making us feel as if we have to ctb right away because people are taking our resources away.
I don't think that I am going to be able to make a decision about ctb or take action on it at the moment because I am quite literally high 24/7- weed- (I guess it wears off at some point when I am sleeping, but I am one of those wake and bake the whole day type people). I've obviously been using this as a coping mechanism to get through the days, but I feel like it makes me too unmotivated to do anything. I am not making progress in life or in death. I also think I haven't been sober for 6 years, maybe I should see what that is like. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was younger and recently have learned so much about how ADHD and autism are on the same spectrum and they don't know where one begins and one ends. If I am autistic, it makes a lot more sense why it is so impossible for me to make and maintain connections. Not being able to blur the lines when people cross boundaries makes it pretty much impossible for me to feel safe as a suicidal human. But anyway, I think I have been using the weed to mask these things quite a bit too. Weed helps me appear more "normal". I've tried to quit in the past and it becomes really difficult not to impulsively ctb when I am not high. I am going to try my best to get sober and take a long break from this website (starting after my current stash runs out, hopefully less than a week) and try to get the clarity to make a decision. I will still be around on here for a few days at least if anyone wants to message me. I know that autistic people are more likely to commit suicide and I know that if this world wasn't so ableist, I probably wouldn't want to die. It kind of sucks having this knowledge because it makes it feel like it isn't my choice as much because I didn't design this world. I'm curious if other people are also not sober 24/7, does anyone else cope like that? and if so, how does it effect your ctb journey?
If I don't end up visiting the site again after deciding, and this is my last post, I am so grateful for its existence. It gave me a safe space to vent and allowed me to meet so many kind like minded humans. The mods are incredible, you guys handle so many issues, v mindful. I will always keep up the fight for the right to die, no matter what my choice ends up being.
Also, just something I've been pondering. As the world gets closer to impending climate change doom, wouldn't suicides be a positive thing for society? Obviously not for everyone but for the people who have a chronic physical/mental illness. I think I got this idea after visiting the church of euthanasia site. After reading that, I am confused as to why the hell our government gives af if we survive. They shouldn't be encouraging it necessarily but letting suicides naturally occur as they do without so much interference would decrease the world population?? helping climate change?? I think we're the only rational thinkers left.
