botanormal
Mage
- Nov 9, 2020
- 550
Hey everyone! I'm feeling pretty frustrated about something, and I just feel like I need to vent about it. So please feel free to ignore this post, I know it's very long haha. I decided to put part of this in a spoiler, so it'll be easier to see my main point without all the extra reading.
So I was talking to my mother for a long time about her issues and at some point, the conversation turned to me, and my mum was asking about work, and just things going on in my life. And she was really listening too! I asked her if she would be okay listening to some of my deeper struggles, like she said she'd be able to the night before. She told me it was okay, and kept listening. Lately I have been really struggling with the childhood trauma I went through, the memories feel overwhelming and it's been really difficult to deal with. She doesn't know about most of it, so I brought it up. Of course, I didn't go into any specifics, I just mentioned that lately I have been struggling with past trauma, and it's been making me want to die. She then got very angry and sad, she told me I was making her upset, and that I was mean for even bringing it up. She started to cry, and started talking about how I was calling her a 'horrible mother, after everything she does to help me'. I assured her that wasn't what I meant, I told her that the trauma wasn't anything to do with her, that it wasn't anything she did. She was still very mad though, and she told me to 'just get over it', and then went up to bed.
I know this is what I should've expected. I know I shouldn't be upset by this, because this is exactly the type of reaction she usually gives to these things. I know it was my fault for bringing it up, and I should've known better. But it still just sucks so badly. Especially when she told me to 'get over it', like I was just complaining about losing some coins in the sofa or something. Those words have been running through my mind since this happened, after everything I have done to try and 'get over it', I just feel so gross for even thinking about this. She told me she'd listen properly, but she didn't even let me finish before she got mad. I always listen to her issues, even when she puts it all on me to fix them, I still do everything I can do help her. But she didn't even let me finish.
I'm sorry for this giant rant, I always find myself going into way more detail than necessary, but I just had to let it all out! I know it isn't the end of the world or anything, and my mother can be caring sometimes, so I know I am lucky to have her. I just wish she'd understand me more, and try to accept me. If anybody has read this far, thank you for taking the time, I hope this made sense, I'm a bit emotional right now so I just can't tell haha. Does anybody else have bad experiences opening up to their family? It feels so upsetting to hear these kinds of things, especially from my own mother, and it's been on my mind ever since it happened. Thank you for reading, I'm sending big hugs to everyone!
So, usually in real life, I mention my mental health issues and talk about feeling suicidal from time to time. Mostly around my mother, I live with her and I haven't got the energy to 'put up a front' as a lot of people do, so I'm usually very open about my feelings. Sometimes I just bring it up casually, but sometimes I mention it more seriously, but no matter what I say my mother usually just laughs it off. She's the type of person who hates talking about these issues, other members of my family struggle with their own mental health problems too, and she always gets very angry when it is brought up.
Lately I have been feeling a lot worse, and it feels really crappy to be laughed at, so I decided to mention it to her with a more serious tone. At first, she just started joking about it again, but I really tried my best to reiterate that I was feeling awful. After that she stopped laughing, and complained that I was only bringing this up to 'guilt her into giving me something'. I'm not really sure why she thought that, I told her that it wasn't like that, but it took a lot of convincing to get her to change her mind. So finally she tells me to just tell her why I'm so suicidal, but at that point I felt so defeated I just decided to drop it. She seemed pretty mad that I was talking about it, I knew she was feeling a bit sleepy so I figured I'd wait until the next day, so we could have a proper conversation. It's not like I wanted to unload all my baggage onto her, I just wanted her to understand me more, I thought it would feel nice if I could talk to her. She is my mother, after all.
So the next day, I come down to talk to her more. This was on new year's eve, and she was feeling really lonely because she had nobody to spend time with. She told me that I was the only one around to help, so I ended up spending the entire time with her, up until she got tired and went to bed. She was drinking a lot, and wanted me to drink with her, so we both ended up getting drunk. When she's drunk, she's a lot nicer to me, and we ended up talking a bunch that night. First, she started crying about the difficulties of her life, and how she needed me to help fix things for her. She always mentions that I'm the only person she feels comfortable opening up to, and she tells me that I'm the only person who can help fix her issues, because I'm the only one living in the house with her. So she constantly asks me to help her with things, like tidying up after her, or helping her with her diet, or going with her to places she's too anxious to go to alone, things like that. She tells me these things make her miserable, and I'm the only person who can fix it, so I always do my best to make her feel better and help her with these things in general. I'm always there for her when she needs it, so I thought that this would result in her doing the same for me.
Lately I have been feeling a lot worse, and it feels really crappy to be laughed at, so I decided to mention it to her with a more serious tone. At first, she just started joking about it again, but I really tried my best to reiterate that I was feeling awful. After that she stopped laughing, and complained that I was only bringing this up to 'guilt her into giving me something'. I'm not really sure why she thought that, I told her that it wasn't like that, but it took a lot of convincing to get her to change her mind. So finally she tells me to just tell her why I'm so suicidal, but at that point I felt so defeated I just decided to drop it. She seemed pretty mad that I was talking about it, I knew she was feeling a bit sleepy so I figured I'd wait until the next day, so we could have a proper conversation. It's not like I wanted to unload all my baggage onto her, I just wanted her to understand me more, I thought it would feel nice if I could talk to her. She is my mother, after all.
So the next day, I come down to talk to her more. This was on new year's eve, and she was feeling really lonely because she had nobody to spend time with. She told me that I was the only one around to help, so I ended up spending the entire time with her, up until she got tired and went to bed. She was drinking a lot, and wanted me to drink with her, so we both ended up getting drunk. When she's drunk, she's a lot nicer to me, and we ended up talking a bunch that night. First, she started crying about the difficulties of her life, and how she needed me to help fix things for her. She always mentions that I'm the only person she feels comfortable opening up to, and she tells me that I'm the only person who can help fix her issues, because I'm the only one living in the house with her. So she constantly asks me to help her with things, like tidying up after her, or helping her with her diet, or going with her to places she's too anxious to go to alone, things like that. She tells me these things make her miserable, and I'm the only person who can fix it, so I always do my best to make her feel better and help her with these things in general. I'm always there for her when she needs it, so I thought that this would result in her doing the same for me.
I know this is what I should've expected. I know I shouldn't be upset by this, because this is exactly the type of reaction she usually gives to these things. I know it was my fault for bringing it up, and I should've known better. But it still just sucks so badly. Especially when she told me to 'get over it', like I was just complaining about losing some coins in the sofa or something. Those words have been running through my mind since this happened, after everything I have done to try and 'get over it', I just feel so gross for even thinking about this. She told me she'd listen properly, but she didn't even let me finish before she got mad. I always listen to her issues, even when she puts it all on me to fix them, I still do everything I can do help her. But she didn't even let me finish.
It's been a couple days since then now, and she's just going on like usual, even though she knows it upset me. When I told her that it had, she looked at me with a very condescending expression, and just said 'alright then', and tried her best to ignore me. Because I guess she thinks I'm too emotional. Maybe I am too emotional, but I can't help it. I just feel so disgusting, and it feels even worse knowing my own mother would think the same, if I ever told her about it in more detail. She thinks people with mental health issues are immature, overly-emotional, and just lesser than people who don't have any issues. And growing up, she has always pushed these ideas onto me, so I've always been very embarrassed of these parts of me, and I've always tried to avoid going into any details. But lately I have just been more open, because I guess there was a part of me that wanted to feel less ashamed, so I would have the courage to seek therapy or something. I don't want that anymore, I don't want anybody who knows me personally to ever know I am this weak of a person, and how disgusting I am. If anybody knew how disgusting I am, I wouldn't be able to take it anymore. Bringing this up was a stupid idea, and it will be a lot better if I just keep these memories to myself, and they can just die with me.