Venting only not having ever been born would make it for me ..

[Deleted member 13412]

hi guys, first of all thank you for this community , theres no place like this anywhere , im thankful for you and to be part of ss <3

i ve always wanted to die, but with the years i ve realized that what i rly wanted was to never been born, because dying evn if it is by my hands feels to me like a big imposition, somthing im forced to do, cause i was forced in this hell of life. and its not even easy, cause we all know here how hard it is to plan a suicide n make it right. im constantly dissociating bc i cnt relate to this reality infact its so evil that it doesnt feel real. i feel so imprisoned in here. evryday i feel so much anxiety to the point tht i cnt breath n i panic bc of that. evryday i try to cope w drugs so i can sleep, bc i dont wana keep thinking abt it all. to me it feels like the only thing that could make it okei is not having been born ever bc putting aside the fact that i feel forced to kill myself cause i cant live, cause im suffering too much , i feel like death wont make me happy, nothing will cause that wont erase the fact that i hve been , it wont delete the fact that i have suffered, tht all of my friends and all the ppl that i have never known of, that they have suffered too , death wont save me or anyone, it wont justify all tht has been, it wont make justice to it ); i rly dont have hope in anything anymore, not even death. and the thing is idek wht awaits to me after death, is just soo sad..


it feels to me only going back in time ,not being born from the start could almost make justice to all this unfairness , but thats impossible, right? im antinatalist, and i belive no one should be forced into existence because theres no way to have their consent and because life is hell. i dont want anyone to feel like im feeling.. but a lot of times while suffering i think ' but what about us that are alredy here existing in this hell ? wheres our justice? who will save us? no one deserves to feel in prison..' its rly hard for me to write this , like is just tht i think abt this so much and i nvr have the chance to talk abt it cause most people wouldnt understand.. no one of us ever asked for this life, to suffer , to be born , to die, to suicide... is all an infinite imposition, wht we are and say and think, is an imposition, n thts not fair, i see no justice in this, its a gicantic abuse ,is cruel.. idk i just feel the tragedy of all this so much. it makes me feel literally sick , so nauseous.. thts y i needed to talk it out ig..

sry if this all said didnt make much sense, sry for my english,, but thanks for listening <3 i hope the best for you all

thank you ss <3

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

I can relate to death not being much of a consolation prize after a life of perpetual suffering and numbness. Suicide itself has never really felt like much of a choice to me either but rather something I was forced into because of a horrific reality I had no control over.

I can only hope that theres something worthwhile after death but in all likelihood there isn't which makes reality even worse.

 

[Pravesh]

well some relief can be had in the notion that after death it will be like you were never born anyway, from your perspective its just a void. You wont even know you had a life .