lawr
rebuilding
- Feb 21, 2025
- 36
for as long as i remember, i have felt like life just NEEDS to have some kind of deeper purpose, above that of the usual bs… wealth, status, security, simply being alive, etc. i have also always felt that this deep purpose for me is romantic love. having it gives me a pleasure that feels like the only real and true thing there is, and when it goes wrong, i experience a despair unlike anything else which causes me to feel like my only option is suicide. i subsist off of my partners' affection and attention like a parasite. the prospect of finding my 'soulmate' and other related things are all that make me feel anything about 95% of the time.
there's so much i'm supposed to care about that i just don't. myself included. i've neglected literally all other aspects of my life in pursuit of this obsession.
i'm not experiencing suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life since i was a child because my current partner is like no other i've had before and we are effortlessly compatible. it is what i always imagined finding the right person would feel like. just feels 'right'. but there's a reason i'm not posting this in the recovery section. this isn't recovery. this is me getting what i desired. should it be taken away, i feel i'd certainly be right back at square one. i haven't changed. the circumstances of my life have. and that is fickle. that is not progress.
it's sad, how much more to life there is than this fairytale-like love i've chased all my life, and for some reason, i fail to see the significance of any of it. over the course of my current relationship, i've someone managed to convince myself i've gotten better, but the reality of it is that she makes me better. and that is a weight nobody deserves to carry. i don't want her to feel as if i'd lose it if she decided to leave. i want her to feel free and choose me naturally.
i've tried to get to the bottom of why i feel this way, and the only explanation i can think of is that the emotional feelings triggered by being in love are just too addictive for me, and over the years i've obsessed and romanticized it all so much that i've reached this weird state. but i can't believe that. i really value this. i am the type of person that believes true love transcends all. i do believe in some abstraction of the concept of 'soulmates'. i care for the girl i'm in love with. i want her to be happy. i want to give her a good life. i want to become a better person for her.
i have several other posts on here about people who i thought were going to be the one for me. i'm a broken record. i'm betting my life on someone again. things look a lot different this time, a lot better, a lot less problematic, i believe this is the genuine love i've been looking for… but the fact remains that i'm betting it all on her. and she doesn't know that. and i shouldn't tell her. and she wouldn't want that. she'd want me to be capable of wanting to live even if i was on my own.
i truly love this person with my soul. i'm very lazy and complacent 99% of the time but in this moment, right here, right now, as i write this, i'm desperate to uncover the secrets of how i can fix everything that's wrong with me so she can have the partner she deserves.
well, this wasn't supposed to be so long, but this is usually what happens with my posts. i set out to achieve something simple and end up writing whatever comes to mind... the main idea of this post was to articulate my fixation on love over everything else, and see if anyone here has any similar experiences to share. if you read all of this, thanks, i really appreciate it.
there's so much i'm supposed to care about that i just don't. myself included. i've neglected literally all other aspects of my life in pursuit of this obsession.
i'm not experiencing suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life since i was a child because my current partner is like no other i've had before and we are effortlessly compatible. it is what i always imagined finding the right person would feel like. just feels 'right'. but there's a reason i'm not posting this in the recovery section. this isn't recovery. this is me getting what i desired. should it be taken away, i feel i'd certainly be right back at square one. i haven't changed. the circumstances of my life have. and that is fickle. that is not progress.
it's sad, how much more to life there is than this fairytale-like love i've chased all my life, and for some reason, i fail to see the significance of any of it. over the course of my current relationship, i've someone managed to convince myself i've gotten better, but the reality of it is that she makes me better. and that is a weight nobody deserves to carry. i don't want her to feel as if i'd lose it if she decided to leave. i want her to feel free and choose me naturally.
i've tried to get to the bottom of why i feel this way, and the only explanation i can think of is that the emotional feelings triggered by being in love are just too addictive for me, and over the years i've obsessed and romanticized it all so much that i've reached this weird state. but i can't believe that. i really value this. i am the type of person that believes true love transcends all. i do believe in some abstraction of the concept of 'soulmates'. i care for the girl i'm in love with. i want her to be happy. i want to give her a good life. i want to become a better person for her.
i have several other posts on here about people who i thought were going to be the one for me. i'm a broken record. i'm betting my life on someone again. things look a lot different this time, a lot better, a lot less problematic, i believe this is the genuine love i've been looking for… but the fact remains that i'm betting it all on her. and she doesn't know that. and i shouldn't tell her. and she wouldn't want that. she'd want me to be capable of wanting to live even if i was on my own.
i truly love this person with my soul. i'm very lazy and complacent 99% of the time but in this moment, right here, right now, as i write this, i'm desperate to uncover the secrets of how i can fix everything that's wrong with me so she can have the partner she deserves.
well, this wasn't supposed to be so long, but this is usually what happens with my posts. i set out to achieve something simple and end up writing whatever comes to mind... the main idea of this post was to articulate my fixation on love over everything else, and see if anyone here has any similar experiences to share. if you read all of this, thanks, i really appreciate it.
