One year update from recovery: My life has entirely changed for the better and I'm suicidal again

[SoftWorries]

It has been a year since I last posted on here. From reading through my posts from a year ago I see I was too depressed to do much of anything and I was seriously haunted by flashbacks and memories.

Well that isn't the case anymore.

A year ago I managed to rejoin school and, after a multiple year pause in my studies, finish the last year of my degree. I ended up getting a good paying job back in May in the career I intended.

I don't have flashbacks anymore either. The memories have faded with the huge amount of work I needed to do in the past year to graduate.

And now that the sand has settled in my life and I'm out on the other side I need to say:

All of this really sucks.
It really truly sucks.
The dreams I had that I felt abuse and depression had taken from me are now in my hands and it truly truly sucks.

So I decided to give opiates a try.

Suicide by opiate overdose was my plan. My plan was always to get a enough to kill myself with and enjoy for some months before hand. Unfortunately, opiates aren't what I had been anticipating.

I am very susceptible to motion sickness so the feeling of opiates is close to a fever dream with the fever included. It's not entirely pleasant

I've realized my dreams and found nothing in it for me. I crossed my greatest taboo and found no real pleasure.

Seriously what is this life thing if even opiates can't keep me invested.

That's my update. Thank you for reading.

 

[Trav1989]

Opiates are like bandaging a serious wound, they make you feel better for a few hours and then reality just comes crashing down on you again. I have used opiates off and on for 15+ years now (nearly half my life) and that is my personal experience anyways. Just a few ago I took 130mg's of morphine throughout one day and it was a perfect day but the next morning I realized that nothing had changed and I still desired to CTB. Then after that an ex reconnected with me and I was happy for a while but once I got to realizing that she was an ex for a reason my desire to CTB came back yet again.

Just because there are ups in life doesn't mean that the baseline and the downs aren't the majority of our existence.

I have a handful of days left until I receive my SN and then I plan to CTB a few weeks after that. This life is truly a sick joke and a few positives will never outweigh a life filled to the brim with negatives that turned a hopeful and happy person into a traumatized mess.

 

[SoftWorries]

Unfortunately they did not make me feel better for a few hours even. I don't seem to have good compatibility with them. I took various amounts, antihistamines and gravel and still I found it rather unpleasant.

 

[SVEN]

I'm sorry that things worked out this way for you. I believe opiates or other meds are only a crutch to try to assist through the worst times. They help to put a bit of distance between life and ourselves, just to insulate us. But I doubt they are a cure in themselves. Perhaps you would find better support in Recovery section, where I'm sure others have been where you are now and can express things better than I can.
Best wishes, however you resolve things.

 

[MBG]

Only read OP. If you've tried opiates (which are addictive), have you tried psychedelics (which are not physically addictive)? Magic mushrooms are the safest.

 

[SoftWorries]

I have been microdosing / dosing psychedelics for 9+ years including mushrooms, acid, DMT and taking ketamine and MDMA rarely in the most therapeutic environments I could manage.

No now I'm on my way to the land of the dead with enough opiates to get me here. My only disappointment was they weren't all they're cracked up to be.

Still, in high enough doses they'll get me where I'm going.