One year today and I'm still here

[rozeske]

Today marks the one year adversary of the day I joined this site, the moment I decided to end it all. After the collapse of the last bit of hope I had to live a better life, I lost the very little fight I had in me to keep going. I was very determined to leave asap and had absolutely no will of going forward. After finding this site and lurking for a few weeks and failing my first, hopefully last, attempt, I joined for a reason of mostly to just say goodbye to this community on my way out. Little did I know I'd still be here one year later :)

Among several complications and obstacles that kept me here, finding this community I believe is the main reason I was able to stay this long. So much for the claim that this place is the reason for people's suicide. It was the very reason that kept me going even when i was looking to die. This place has given me so much more than anyone can comprehend to cope with my life in those months, and i wasn't even looking for it, i just wanted to die. Above all when i was on the verge to snap, it's been a place that helped me keep my sanity, which is the only good thing I've got going for me right now and the thing i need the most to plan my exit. Even though I still am actively suicidal looking forward to be gone soon, I'm glad I didn't commit with the mental state I was in. Even though I would have prefered to have been gone by now, I am so grateful to the time I was given by this community. I'm glad I found this place and I fucking love and appreciate you all!!

 

[Whale_bones]

This is such a lovely post to the community! So glad that the forum has given you some solace and allowed you time to plan things out in a way that's right for you (versus going while in a mental state you didn't want to be in). I feel much the same way.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Yay! I'm so glad I found this place too. I know it will be a great support whatever ends up happening, and that's what we all need: just some people in our corner, even if we're all internet strangers. All the best to you in your journey through this funny thing called life and death

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I've just seen this now - I've only been reading messages & researching, not scrolling.
This community has been amazing.
I have a "real life" so I wasn't lonely when I joined, but maybe I was lonely in the regard that there were some subjects I couldn't cope with IRL or were socially unacceptable like CTB & methods, a special pre-SaSu kinda loneliness.
But here, I've talked about so many things I don't talk about IRL & I thought that would be grim, & it was. Is. But also, the loveliness & the support & reassurance, has been so overwhelming. Yes, there's been assholes along the way, it's the internet, but the positives so far outweigh the negative. It hasn't been a year for me & with fingers crossed, I won't make it to the year mark. I certainly did not expect to be here so long, that's for sure. I wish I had gone long ago. I didn't think I'd last a week after Plato's bus & had been so sure I would go long before them. That was the plan… Me & plans….
I laughed every single day with Plato, normally a bunch of times each day, over & over - out of all life's surprises, that was a big one - who knew I would be so desperate for messages on a SUICIDE forum to laugh & laugh & laugh. And again, I laugh a lot IRL, so not from a lacking. They were just that funny . I haven't ever attempted, so I'm hoping one & done. Please please please. To all the people that have helped me at all, thank you. And when I wake up tomorrow, I'm finally posting my damn protocol, so thanks in advance for any help with that. I'll take any critique going, pile it on. My brain makes life too difficult, simple things are really too difficult for me - I'm not depressed in the slightest, but no memory & focus has been so, so, so hard for me. And being so hyperaware of all my failings keeps me in a constant anxiety overwhelm where I just shut down - just can't do the things. Do The Thing. And then the shame drowns me - why am I like this?? The obstacles are staggering - my brain, my life, time - it's so complicated & awful.
Sorry for getting sidetracked, it's what I do, sorry. Best of luck to you - I hope you find what you're looking for / get what you want.