A while ago i have again manipulated my life in such a way that there almost is no return back to a "normal" life… since i have quit contact to all my real time Friends for example.. I have done that before and the first time they could somehow forgive me and i tried to integrate again, but i know that the shadow of my own personality will always chase me..
I tried to travel, tried Dating sites etc, but i find that whenever i try to do something positive, i Always end up comparing myself to others and wanting to run away again to my own self-build cave where nobody knows me. It also has to do with shame that i havent achieved so many Things in life that i intended to achieve and i believe i could have done SO much better if it wasnt for certain very bad decisions and also bad luck (when it Comes to love, Health issues, Jobs etc).
On the other Hand i know that much of this is also self-manipulation. It is almost like i try something good and then after some time i try to destroy that again or burn the bridges, cause i dont even want to become too attached to life, knowing that eventually i will have to end the pain.
Can somebody relate to that?
Also i have so many insecuritites. Actually i am quite good Looking (there are Always People who are more Beautiful of Course), but it is not that i would hide in a cave because of that. I also do have some skills and Talents (but i am never satisified with myself and cant fully love myself for some reasons).
I know that i actually would much prefer to die from natural causes (and i often had been close to death due to some disease) but probably that is not gonna happen.
I feel very trapped in my own Story and unable to move Forward. It is like wherever i would go on earth, i would Always feel bad About my past and take with me the same persona… I am Kind of jealous to People who never have dealt with Depression, althpugh i know that even if everything seems okay in the outside, most People will sooner or later have certain burden to bear such as the loss of a loved one, unemployment, diseases etc.
But i feel most People are still a bit better off cause they havent self-manipulated themselves so much to loneliness and still might have a Wonderful net-work of Friends and Family that they can rely on. I dont have that and i cant imagine to be able to build that up again.
I dont know why i write all this down but These are some of my thoughts that go through my mind every day since years… Always comparing myself and Feeling minor than others…
It is part of the many reasons why i find it hard to stay here..
I tried to travel, tried Dating sites etc, but i find that whenever i try to do something positive, i Always end up comparing myself to others and wanting to run away again to my own self-build cave where nobody knows me. It also has to do with shame that i havent achieved so many Things in life that i intended to achieve and i believe i could have done SO much better if it wasnt for certain very bad decisions and also bad luck (when it Comes to love, Health issues, Jobs etc).
On the other Hand i know that much of this is also self-manipulation. It is almost like i try something good and then after some time i try to destroy that again or burn the bridges, cause i dont even want to become too attached to life, knowing that eventually i will have to end the pain.
Can somebody relate to that?
Also i have so many insecuritites. Actually i am quite good Looking (there are Always People who are more Beautiful of Course), but it is not that i would hide in a cave because of that. I also do have some skills and Talents (but i am never satisified with myself and cant fully love myself for some reasons).
I know that i actually would much prefer to die from natural causes (and i often had been close to death due to some disease) but probably that is not gonna happen.
I feel very trapped in my own Story and unable to move Forward. It is like wherever i would go on earth, i would Always feel bad About my past and take with me the same persona… I am Kind of jealous to People who never have dealt with Depression, althpugh i know that even if everything seems okay in the outside, most People will sooner or later have certain burden to bear such as the loss of a loved one, unemployment, diseases etc.
But i feel most People are still a bit better off cause they havent self-manipulated themselves so much to loneliness and still might have a Wonderful net-work of Friends and Family that they can rely on. I dont have that and i cant imagine to be able to build that up again.
I dont know why i write all this down but These are some of my thoughts that go through my mind every day since years… Always comparing myself and Feeling minor than others…
It is part of the many reasons why i find it hard to stay here..
