Ijustcantanymore
Member
- Nov 22, 2024
- 73
People keep telling me to keep finding reasons to stay. Not understanding that for every hard to find reason to stay. I find 5 to GTFO here. Today being no different.
This will be TMI for some probably, i apologize.
Stop here if you don't want to read about sex or non hetero sexuality.
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I've never been conventional attractive. I was maybe cute when I was younger and still had hope. But as I've gotten older, I've gotten uglier. It's just the way of things. I've also gotten fatter.
And for gay men, those are two big no no's. I have found gay/queer men to be some of the shallowest creatures alive. And I say that when straight men exist. But its true. Vapid and shallow are the great queens of rainbowland. Obsessed with either looks or dick size because that's all their brains have room for. And I say that as a member of their group. It's truly awful. I'm sure not all queer men are like that but it has been my only experience with them my whole life. So it's all I have as a point of reference.
Lately I have been going through a sexual surge. It happens to me from time to time. I become hypersexual. So far it's been going 4 days and in that time I have masturbated 10 times. No exaggeration. My body hurts. Parts of my are raw. It's fucking awful. I have no control over my body.
So what do I do? I download grindr. Or as I like to call it, "self flagellation". Because every time I go on there to find some relief all I ever am is rejected. I'm either too fat or not fat enough. I'm too old or not old enough. Or because I'm poor. Or because I have mental health problems.
I usually end up just deleting the app and hating myself more than I did before because time and time again, I am declared sexually worthless to the only group of men I can choose from. Even though, you would be pressed to find a more desperate obedient slut than me.
They like my face, but as soon as they see the belly. Poof they are gone. And it's not just preference. It goes beyond that. Queer men are mean about it. They will go out of their way to make you feel gross and to question how you could even have the audacity to approach someone of their looks. Like all I wanna do is suck a dick my guy, not be your one and only. Not sure how my belly or my social security check affects my ability to suck a dick. But whatever.
I have a partner. But my sex drive, even in general, is way higher than his. And he is not very adventurous. But I love him and that's why we're together. He gave me permission to satisfy my needs when he cannot with other men.
So today I was on grindr as one does to torture themselves with hope. And lo and behold a guy is actually interested in me. He likes the fat. Doesn't care that I'm poor or have wicked social anxiety. And we're having a good time and then I find out he's a "feeder". Men who like to get other men fatter. Well I'm already fat. And diabetic. His kink will literally kill me. And then I realize that's why he engaged with me. The only reason. To make me bigger. No other sexual interest in me.
I try to indulge him. I send him pics of me eating food. I'm just so desperate for male attention because I have practically none in my life what so ever. No male friends. Straight or otherwise. I crave male bonding and companionship. I have my whole fucking life. And it's just never happened.
But with every indulgence for him. I feel worse. And I can feel my sugar spiking. And I realized that I can't do this. And it's the only thing he wants. I had already ghosted him out of anxiety earlier today, but when I went back on he messaged me again and we talked. But he really wants to do this feeder shit. And I just can't, not with diabetes. If I was thinner and could stand to gain the pounds I would be like fine sure. I have a low enough self respect to get fat if it will make a guy like me.
But I just can't. And I think to myself. If I dismiss his biggest interest, he'll just drop me like a hot potato anyway. So I ghosted him agan. Deleted my Grindr. Again.
And now I'm just miserable with the realization that society has deemed me too ugly to fuck. Too poor. Too mentally unhealthy. I'm not worthy to even suck a dick I guess. And the only men who will ever want me are the ones who want me to be even bigger and uglier.
And it's just now really hitting me. How hideous I really am. I mean after years of abuse, I look old. My skin is old and blemished. I'm 35 and my hair is turning white from stress. I have a huge belly because my body does not distribute fat well.
I am a disgusting monster. And that means men will never notice me. Ever. Only the ones that want to make me bigger and kill me. I should have been slutting around and having fun in my 20's. But I was too busy being abused by my mother.
Now I'm in my 30's. Chronically depressed. Constant fatigue. And just...ugly as fuck. I understand why no one wants me. Hell, i'd even accept someone needing to put a bag over my head and just treating me like a hole for an hour. Just to feel desired.
It's not the same with my partner. He wants me because he's biased by love. It's not the same. I want to be wanted because I arouse passion in someone. I want a guy to look at me and want me. I want guys to ask me to sleep with them.
But that's never gonna be reality. I've accepted it. But today it hurts bad with what my body is going through. If I was even half more attractive than I am, or if I lost 100lbs. But those are not realistic goals for me at this point in life.
Its just hitting harder tonight. If I could kill myself right now and post the pics on Grindr saying:
"am I hot enough now?" I absolutely would. That's how I'm feeling. Maybe I deserve to feel this way for looking the way I do. Maybe I deserve it for thinking I'm worth other men's attention. Maybe society is right about fat people. Maybe we should just die so beautiful people can rule the earth or whatever shit. Maybe I am just a worthless, unfuckable faggot.
I wish I was fucking dead. Please.
This will be TMI for some probably, i apologize.
Stop here if you don't want to read about sex or non hetero sexuality.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I've never been conventional attractive. I was maybe cute when I was younger and still had hope. But as I've gotten older, I've gotten uglier. It's just the way of things. I've also gotten fatter.
And for gay men, those are two big no no's. I have found gay/queer men to be some of the shallowest creatures alive. And I say that when straight men exist. But its true. Vapid and shallow are the great queens of rainbowland. Obsessed with either looks or dick size because that's all their brains have room for. And I say that as a member of their group. It's truly awful. I'm sure not all queer men are like that but it has been my only experience with them my whole life. So it's all I have as a point of reference.
Lately I have been going through a sexual surge. It happens to me from time to time. I become hypersexual. So far it's been going 4 days and in that time I have masturbated 10 times. No exaggeration. My body hurts. Parts of my are raw. It's fucking awful. I have no control over my body.
So what do I do? I download grindr. Or as I like to call it, "self flagellation". Because every time I go on there to find some relief all I ever am is rejected. I'm either too fat or not fat enough. I'm too old or not old enough. Or because I'm poor. Or because I have mental health problems.
I usually end up just deleting the app and hating myself more than I did before because time and time again, I am declared sexually worthless to the only group of men I can choose from. Even though, you would be pressed to find a more desperate obedient slut than me.
They like my face, but as soon as they see the belly. Poof they are gone. And it's not just preference. It goes beyond that. Queer men are mean about it. They will go out of their way to make you feel gross and to question how you could even have the audacity to approach someone of their looks. Like all I wanna do is suck a dick my guy, not be your one and only. Not sure how my belly or my social security check affects my ability to suck a dick. But whatever.
I have a partner. But my sex drive, even in general, is way higher than his. And he is not very adventurous. But I love him and that's why we're together. He gave me permission to satisfy my needs when he cannot with other men.
So today I was on grindr as one does to torture themselves with hope. And lo and behold a guy is actually interested in me. He likes the fat. Doesn't care that I'm poor or have wicked social anxiety. And we're having a good time and then I find out he's a "feeder". Men who like to get other men fatter. Well I'm already fat. And diabetic. His kink will literally kill me. And then I realize that's why he engaged with me. The only reason. To make me bigger. No other sexual interest in me.
I try to indulge him. I send him pics of me eating food. I'm just so desperate for male attention because I have practically none in my life what so ever. No male friends. Straight or otherwise. I crave male bonding and companionship. I have my whole fucking life. And it's just never happened.
But with every indulgence for him. I feel worse. And I can feel my sugar spiking. And I realized that I can't do this. And it's the only thing he wants. I had already ghosted him out of anxiety earlier today, but when I went back on he messaged me again and we talked. But he really wants to do this feeder shit. And I just can't, not with diabetes. If I was thinner and could stand to gain the pounds I would be like fine sure. I have a low enough self respect to get fat if it will make a guy like me.
But I just can't. And I think to myself. If I dismiss his biggest interest, he'll just drop me like a hot potato anyway. So I ghosted him agan. Deleted my Grindr. Again.
And now I'm just miserable with the realization that society has deemed me too ugly to fuck. Too poor. Too mentally unhealthy. I'm not worthy to even suck a dick I guess. And the only men who will ever want me are the ones who want me to be even bigger and uglier.
And it's just now really hitting me. How hideous I really am. I mean after years of abuse, I look old. My skin is old and blemished. I'm 35 and my hair is turning white from stress. I have a huge belly because my body does not distribute fat well.
I am a disgusting monster. And that means men will never notice me. Ever. Only the ones that want to make me bigger and kill me. I should have been slutting around and having fun in my 20's. But I was too busy being abused by my mother.
Now I'm in my 30's. Chronically depressed. Constant fatigue. And just...ugly as fuck. I understand why no one wants me. Hell, i'd even accept someone needing to put a bag over my head and just treating me like a hole for an hour. Just to feel desired.
It's not the same with my partner. He wants me because he's biased by love. It's not the same. I want to be wanted because I arouse passion in someone. I want a guy to look at me and want me. I want guys to ask me to sleep with them.
But that's never gonna be reality. I've accepted it. But today it hurts bad with what my body is going through. If I was even half more attractive than I am, or if I lost 100lbs. But those are not realistic goals for me at this point in life.
Its just hitting harder tonight. If I could kill myself right now and post the pics on Grindr saying:
"am I hot enough now?" I absolutely would. That's how I'm feeling. Maybe I deserve to feel this way for looking the way I do. Maybe I deserve it for thinking I'm worth other men's attention. Maybe society is right about fat people. Maybe we should just die so beautiful people can rule the earth or whatever shit. Maybe I am just a worthless, unfuckable faggot.
I wish I was fucking dead. Please.
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