Venting One more disposable vent that will be lost among so many others

[That's Not Me]

I felt the need to create a new thread to post my thoughts. I don't do this for anyone to read, just to organize my head in an attempt not to go crazy, so just go back to doing what you were doing before you made the mistake of clicking on this post. Feel free to vent too though. Isn't that why we are all here?

Every time I get the feeling that something is different I am convinced otherwise by my own head. My own head won't let me sleep. I am writing this after having taken sleeping pills, but the thoughts speak much louder than any medication. The thoughts are screaming in my head, and it is no longer any help to escape. I can't erase many things from the past and they keep coming back as involuntary flashbacks, they are phrases that were said, things that were done (or not done), thoughts I had or even simply concepts too abstract to be manifested in words for me. I also can't shut up the fears that scream deep in the back of my mind. It's as if the past and the future are one on each side of me, pounding cymbals like monkeys as hard as they can and screaming, and I'm trying to cover my ears with my fingers and closing my eyes as hard as I can to try to escape. The worst thing is that when I manage to concentrate enough to not hear all of this and get away, I feel dead, as if the only way my soul can handle it is to leave my body on earth and go have a few beers in heaven, probably complaining and trying to get a better place for when she has no more body to come back to. I don't blame it, it's just preparing for the most likely thing, but running away like this increases the chances that it has a reason to do this. It's paradoxical in a certain way. It's exhausting to try to run away too. It is so exhausting that there is no energy left for anything else. The things that get me out of bed in the morning no longer have the same impact as before, actually, they have almost no impact at all anymore. I'm one step away from spending the day in bed and I'm so exhausted that I'm not that scared of it anymore. I go many weeks without thinking seriously about it, so as not to get a confirmation bias, but the truth is that I can't escape the cycle. It is everything all over again. I'm tired of swimming against the tide. I'm also tired of trying to be helped. Opening myself up requires a lot of energy, and I don't know where else to get energy from.
That's it. Strangely writing this didn't do me as much good as it usually does either. Maybe it became confusing because I'm kind of doped up. If you have read this far, don't feel pity for me, nothing I go through is that bad, and feeling pity is mean and cruel. I have no idea if things will change for me, but I hope they will change for the better for you. Stay in peace. Love and mercy.

"Oh Lord I lay me down
No life's left to be found
There's nothing left for me"

 

[MrDarkness]

My thoughts also ring loud, always asking if I'm good enough or deserve what's happening to me, I also hate that memories keep playing in my head so clearly, every time I sleep,shower,eat even shitting, my thoughts or memories won't go away, if my mind went numb, I'd honestly consider living longer

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

for me i just cant sleep even though my head is empty
there are no thoughts it just produces a burning stress sensation

 

[That's Not Me]

22/06/2023
I feel dead today. Something inside me is screaming and it's almost as if I can feel the vibrations of the sound waves hitting my chest, but I don't hear it or even care much about it. It hurts a little. I am very scared and I feel a lot of shame and guilt. I feel that I am stuck and that I need to hug something or someone. I can no longer go even an hour without being harassed by thoughts of ctb, even though I do my best to run away from them. My week has been wake up, eat, study, eat, study, eat, sleep, and repeat that. My hygiene is also much worse. I can't stand it anymore. I don't know what I study for, I don't know what I eat for, I don't know what I brush my teeth for, I don't know what I breathe for. It sucks to be a rock endlessly rolling down a canyon from a bottomless abyss. It's lonely and purposeless. I spend the day in fear and agony and I spend the day trying to convince myself that I'm not as shitty as I think I am, that I'm not as disgusting as what I see in the mirror, that I can be loved, that things might one day turn out okay, that one day life won't be about doing for others what they would never do for me and that I might one day finally find the end of this abyss, but I'm absolutely exhausted. I've been pretty apathetic for the last month, but today I felt the urge to cry and I wasn't able to. It's still early, but I'm going to sleep now to try to avoid the thoughts and the pain. Love and mercy to those who read.

 

[lokabe82]

Sometimes the thoughts and flashbacks scream so loud that i cant hear anything else. Sometimes it's like there are no thoughts at all.

 

[That's Not Me]

Sometimes the thoughts and flashbacks scream so loud that i cant hear anything else. Sometimes it's like there are no thoughts at all.

I feel you. Sometimes I don't even notice the passing of the days, and sometimes a week seems like a month.

 

[That's Not Me]

I came to share a feeling that cannot be shared, but that I feel needs to be registered somehow. At the beginning of last year I was fascinated by the internet of the early 2000s. Everything seemed so magical. People shared knowledge in such a genuine way. I took classes for a few months before I decided to ctb with a professor who talked about how Wikipedia was such a wonderful place, where people shared their knowledge without expecting anything in return. I remember being very excited at the idea that someone in this world could understand my strange passions, even though he only made this brief comment. Of course I was too shy to talk to him, but the brief presence of this teacher in my life is what made me donate a symbolic amount to the Internet Archive and Wikipedia the day before my ctb. I have been using the Wayback Machine extension since 2021 precisely to give a second chance to those who will soon have their existence completely forgotten. I had an idea for a complete video essay in my head about how we should keep playing, even when we are playing without clear goals. I don't remember any of that anymore, and I don't think that way either. I just no longer care. How did it all go wrong in such a short time? I have no idea. Today this feeling that was long dead came for a brief visit. I found (don't ask me how) a very curious Japanese site. http://te28m.web.fc2.com/tek1.htm (if you click on the button on the left at the bottom of the page you can advance in the story). Many of the pages on this blog have never been archived before, meaning that once they decide to delete this person's server, history and memories will be lost for eternity. Even knowing this, the person who owns this site decided to write it. Just like life. We are just meaningless dust in a meaningless world. Once they pull the plug on the server we will be forgotten forever, but still many people spend time building something. I, on the other hand, am aware of the existence of all this, so maybe it would be smarter not to build anything, just as I don't write a blog. I don't know. Maybe one day I won't think about all that anymore, but so far that's all I do. A good afternoon to all.

 

[That's Not Me]

sorry, this is the only thing I can think of every day, all day long

 

[That's Not Me]

Today I had therapy. I saw how desperate the situation I'm in is. I can't do it anymore. I just don't have the strength anymore. I don't want a hug, I don't want help, I just want it to be over. I'm hopeless. It's all so sad. I want to wake up from this cruel feverish dream.

 

[gehlertjohansson@gm]

I felt the need to create a new thread to post my thoughts. I don't do this for anyone to read, just to organize my head in an attempt not to go crazy, so just go back to doing what you were doing before you made the mistake of clicking on this post. Feel free to vent too though. Isn't that why we are all here?

Every time I get the feeling that something is different I am convinced otherwise by my own head. My own head won't let me sleep. I am writing this after having taken sleeping pills, but the thoughts speak much louder than any medication. The thoughts are screaming in my head, and it is no longer any help to escape. I can't erase many things from the past and they keep coming back as involuntary flashbacks, they are phrases that were said, things that were done (or not done), thoughts I had or even simply concepts too abstract to be manifested in words for me. I also can't shut up the fears that scream deep in the back of my mind. It's as if the past and the future are one on each side of me, pounding cymbals like monkeys as hard as they can and screaming, and I'm trying to cover my ears with my fingers and closing my eyes as hard as I can to try to escape. The worst thing is that when I manage to concentrate enough to not hear all of this and get away, I feel dead, as if the only way my soul can handle it is to leave my body on earth and go have a few beers in heaven, probably complaining and trying to get a better place for when she has no more body to come back to. I don't blame it, it's just preparing for the most likely thing, but running away like this increases the chances that it has a reason to do this. It's paradoxical in a certain way. It's exhausting to try to run away too. It is so exhausting that there is no energy left for anything else. The things that get me out of bed in the morning no longer have the same impact as before, actually, they have almost no impact at all anymore. I'm one step away from spending the day in bed and I'm so exhausted that I'm not that scared of it anymore. I go many weeks without thinking seriously about it, so as not to get a confirmation bias, but the truth is that I can't escape the cycle. It is everything all over again. I'm tired of swimming against the tide. I'm also tired of trying to be helped. Opening myself up requires a lot of energy, and I don't know where else to get energy from.
That's it. Strangely writing this didn't do me as much good as it usually does either. Maybe it became confusing because I'm kind of doped up. If you have read this far, don't feel pity for me, nothing I go through is that bad, and feeling pity is mean and cruel. I have no idea if things will change for me, but I hope they will change for the better for you. Stay in peace. Love and mercy.

"Oh Lord I lay me down
No life's left to be found
There's nothing left for me"

I feel this. I totally feel like that too, being exhausted just waking up and wanting to stay in bed all day and go back to sleep for as many hours as humanly possible. but i always get restless and know i won't sleep the next night if i don't get up. summertime adds to this, i hate all the good things people are doing out in the sun. i want fall to better align with my mood. i'm getting to the point of hoping my biological age is way higher than my actual age at 33, so that i could be lucky to leave this earth faster

 

[That's Not Me]

When do you know that a person has died? When does a person really die? It is not when the heart stops beating. For some people it is earlier and for others it is later. I haven't felt a soul inside me for a few days and today was a really bad day. Maybe the worst in a year. I think I died a lot today. I wish it didn't hurt so much.