That's Not Me
A cork on the ocean floating over the raging sea
- Sep 14, 2022
- 108
I was surprised to see that it has been exactly one month since my last post, still in the recovery session. How everything could have gone so wrong in such a short time intrigues me. In the middle of last month I found myself stuck in a cycle. Things were repeating themselves exactly like last year. I am living the same year for the second time. I started with a great desire to improve and now I am in the period of accepting my fate. In the last few weeks my rational side has started to consider the idea that I might not make it through this year. Before that I was afraid that this might happen, but I always thought I would make it. I finally started to consider ctb again yesterday, after coming back from the psychiatrist. I had been leaning for the last few weeks on the idea that the psychiatrist might prescribe me a specific medication that would make me able to focus on my studies and that would make me able to move forward. I had the idea that things would get easier and so I was trying to be strong because I just needed to hold on a little longer. What happened is that the psychiatrist didn't agree to prescribe me the medicine and I found myself alone again (naturally). Many things are included in what I call the cycle. I think I consider that the cycle started in September 2021 and ended in January 2023, and from February on it started to repeat itself. From February I started to think that it was almost inevitable that I would give life another chance, as was very well recorded in the recovery session of this forum. I started in May to feel things that I haven't felt in a long time. A pain in my chest that I felt in September 2021 and the last time in February 2022, when I was too doped up to notice. Time went by and I studied well in the first days, but lost a little interest each day. By April 20 I was having a hard time getting out of bed, but as I said, I kept hoping that I would get better after the medicine. Now I am without any perspective. I really hope that I am going through a relapse and that next month I will be back in the recovery session, but I may have passed the event horizon and am being sucked into the black hole. I have started therapy and it has not helped me much, in fact I feel better talking to that person here on SS than to the psychologist (more on that person coming soon). I tried to talk to old friends again, but I didn't have the energy. I tried to do it for my parents, but I don't care that much anymore. I gathered all my energy like Goku before he became Super Saiyan to do the things I needed to do, but the strength is running out. I screamed for help, and I feel like I'm out of breath. I am back to not feeling so much pain anymore and soon I will go back to being the bum I was last year. My glow is gone. "Where did my long hair go? Where is the guy I used to know? How could I lose that happy glow? Who took that look away? I remember how I used to say; I'd never change, but that's not true; It's so sad to watch a sweet thing die; Could I ever find in me again; Things that made me love it so much then? Could we ever bring 'em back once they have gone?" (this one also fits)
About this person I commented. Yeah, I may have destroyed that too. I managed to hurt the only person who understood my mind and who seemed somehow to speak the same language as me. I tried to write a song, but I am so fucked up in the head that I couldn't make it rhyme, so I will try to put the main idea here. Every time I tried to open up in the last years I felt more alone, but with her it was different. I also always tried to care about other people, but I never cared that much about someone. What happened is that I made a huge mess up. She opened up and showed her hurts, as did I, but I was very wrong in trying to help another person who never deserved any help. In the end, it doesn't matter if the goal was to help. The purpose rarely matters. It matters what was objectively done, and what was objectively done made this person, who was in a vulnerable situation because he opened up, feel betrayed. We were trying to change each other's minds about catching the bus, and I thought I could do the same with someone who hurt her to a degree that I have never seen anyone hurt another person, and who already had a seat reserved on this bus and has no desire to give up that seat. Honestly, this doesn't even make sense in my head right now. I guess talking to her made me see the world so much more colorfully that I forgot that I can't be the superman and that all I should have done was be a shoulder to cry on and nothing more. I couldn't have fixed her troubled relationship. I remember that when we first started talking, I said that if it was going to hurt her, I didn't want to. I have spent a considerable amount of time in the last four years trying to understand interpersonal relationships. I never really understood why people who don't get along and hurt each other stay together. I thought I understood love without ever having loved or been loved. All those years of thinking didn't help me much, maybe even made things worse. Maybe I just came into it too quickly. Maybe we both did. We started trusting each other before we had the foundation for trust. Maybe I did it because I thought I already knew her. Who knows someone in less than a month of talking? That is probably the stupidest thing I have ever thought. I always thought that the Beach Boys' song Here Today would be the cornerstone of any relationship I had, but that was another mistake. By the way, there were a lot of songs that I thought about sending her, but didn't do because the lyrics were too romantic (like this one), and I didn't want to give the impression that I was doing it because I wanted to be a lover or something. I think it is impossible to have anything without friendship and trust. I remember that the first time I got scared of something new and had to take a step back to see what I was getting into was when she made a joke about having three cats in my bed (in my country cat is a compliment) and she referred to it as a "flirtation". I guess my complete inexperience in this matter made me not even realize that the sincere compliments I made about her appearance could give rise to second-guessing, but it actually made me happy after all. I wanted to be a Jim to her, someone who in the early seasons was just the one she can dump her frustrations on, the difference being that I would be genuinely grateful if she said she was seeing someone new, unlike Jim from The Office who was jealous. One time when I was feeling my heart full of joy for talking to her and hearing about her life I asked her if she knew what she was doing, since I had no idea. Maybe it was on this day that I forgot the song Here Today and gave myself over to the unknown. I wanted to prove to her that she wasn't going to die alone and that maybe other people were interested in filling the voids in other people's souls, because I was interested in doing that for her. In being her friend. One thing I said incessantly to the person who hurt her is that "to love another person is to want what is best for them above what is best for you, and so if you think it would be better for them to live without you, you should let them go. Maybe I am at a point where I should listen to my advice. Not necessarily because I hurt her, but because now that I am back to thinking about ctb I am an anchor. I am no longer the same person I was at the beginning of the month. I can no longer make jokes, I can no longer think much about the future, and I am no longer an ideal person to cheer up someone else. I've lost the sparkle that I struggled to regain for a short time. The person from earlier this month could help, but I think I'm an anchor today, and she deserves someone who will help her get through life without sinking her. She should stop talking to losers. I also always thought of the Beach Boys' song "You Still Believe In Me" when I talked to the person who hurt her, because he told me about all the ways he hurt her and how she still decided to believe in him and stay with him after all, and last week I started thinking about myself when I heard that song. It really shook me up. Yesterday she sent me a song and it made me very indecisive about what to do about this situation. I have two options: keep talking to her and daily asking how she is doing to show that she is not alone, or try to stay away and continue with a good friendship relationship. One thing that reassures me a little about the second option is that she is, and I say this honestly, one of the most amazing people I have ever met, so maybe it won't be too hard for her to find someone else who can do what I did at the beginning of the month and not bring any pain (although I am very afraid that this person will be even worse). Maybe it's not worth the risk of hurting her more. If only I had my head on straight and could express myself better to say this to her as I could a month ago, I could say how incredible I think she is. One thing I am sure of. I will never do to her the kind of emotional blackmail they did to her (at least that is what I hope). I like her and that would not be fair. If I don't in fact resist and end up ctb this year, it will definitely have nothing to do with her. In fact, she represents the exact opposite for me. She was an important pillar in my being delighted with life that month, and has no relation to my getting worse. Even in the moments when she was distant I felt alive because of my concern for her. To think that I failed because of someone's absence is the kind of dumb thinking that I prefer to leave to the other miserable people who have hurt her in the past.
That's it. I always feel better after writing here. I wish I could say it's good to be back, but it's not. If you have read this far, well, thank you, I guess? Lol
Take care :)
About this person I commented. Yeah, I may have destroyed that too. I managed to hurt the only person who understood my mind and who seemed somehow to speak the same language as me. I tried to write a song, but I am so fucked up in the head that I couldn't make it rhyme, so I will try to put the main idea here. Every time I tried to open up in the last years I felt more alone, but with her it was different. I also always tried to care about other people, but I never cared that much about someone. What happened is that I made a huge mess up. She opened up and showed her hurts, as did I, but I was very wrong in trying to help another person who never deserved any help. In the end, it doesn't matter if the goal was to help. The purpose rarely matters. It matters what was objectively done, and what was objectively done made this person, who was in a vulnerable situation because he opened up, feel betrayed. We were trying to change each other's minds about catching the bus, and I thought I could do the same with someone who hurt her to a degree that I have never seen anyone hurt another person, and who already had a seat reserved on this bus and has no desire to give up that seat. Honestly, this doesn't even make sense in my head right now. I guess talking to her made me see the world so much more colorfully that I forgot that I can't be the superman and that all I should have done was be a shoulder to cry on and nothing more. I couldn't have fixed her troubled relationship. I remember that when we first started talking, I said that if it was going to hurt her, I didn't want to. I have spent a considerable amount of time in the last four years trying to understand interpersonal relationships. I never really understood why people who don't get along and hurt each other stay together. I thought I understood love without ever having loved or been loved. All those years of thinking didn't help me much, maybe even made things worse. Maybe I just came into it too quickly. Maybe we both did. We started trusting each other before we had the foundation for trust. Maybe I did it because I thought I already knew her. Who knows someone in less than a month of talking? That is probably the stupidest thing I have ever thought. I always thought that the Beach Boys' song Here Today would be the cornerstone of any relationship I had, but that was another mistake. By the way, there were a lot of songs that I thought about sending her, but didn't do because the lyrics were too romantic (like this one), and I didn't want to give the impression that I was doing it because I wanted to be a lover or something. I think it is impossible to have anything without friendship and trust. I remember that the first time I got scared of something new and had to take a step back to see what I was getting into was when she made a joke about having three cats in my bed (in my country cat is a compliment) and she referred to it as a "flirtation". I guess my complete inexperience in this matter made me not even realize that the sincere compliments I made about her appearance could give rise to second-guessing, but it actually made me happy after all. I wanted to be a Jim to her, someone who in the early seasons was just the one she can dump her frustrations on, the difference being that I would be genuinely grateful if she said she was seeing someone new, unlike Jim from The Office who was jealous. One time when I was feeling my heart full of joy for talking to her and hearing about her life I asked her if she knew what she was doing, since I had no idea. Maybe it was on this day that I forgot the song Here Today and gave myself over to the unknown. I wanted to prove to her that she wasn't going to die alone and that maybe other people were interested in filling the voids in other people's souls, because I was interested in doing that for her. In being her friend. One thing I said incessantly to the person who hurt her is that "to love another person is to want what is best for them above what is best for you, and so if you think it would be better for them to live without you, you should let them go. Maybe I am at a point where I should listen to my advice. Not necessarily because I hurt her, but because now that I am back to thinking about ctb I am an anchor. I am no longer the same person I was at the beginning of the month. I can no longer make jokes, I can no longer think much about the future, and I am no longer an ideal person to cheer up someone else. I've lost the sparkle that I struggled to regain for a short time. The person from earlier this month could help, but I think I'm an anchor today, and she deserves someone who will help her get through life without sinking her. She should stop talking to losers. I also always thought of the Beach Boys' song "You Still Believe In Me" when I talked to the person who hurt her, because he told me about all the ways he hurt her and how she still decided to believe in him and stay with him after all, and last week I started thinking about myself when I heard that song. It really shook me up. Yesterday she sent me a song and it made me very indecisive about what to do about this situation. I have two options: keep talking to her and daily asking how she is doing to show that she is not alone, or try to stay away and continue with a good friendship relationship. One thing that reassures me a little about the second option is that she is, and I say this honestly, one of the most amazing people I have ever met, so maybe it won't be too hard for her to find someone else who can do what I did at the beginning of the month and not bring any pain (although I am very afraid that this person will be even worse). Maybe it's not worth the risk of hurting her more. If only I had my head on straight and could express myself better to say this to her as I could a month ago, I could say how incredible I think she is. One thing I am sure of. I will never do to her the kind of emotional blackmail they did to her (at least that is what I hope). I like her and that would not be fair. If I don't in fact resist and end up ctb this year, it will definitely have nothing to do with her. In fact, she represents the exact opposite for me. She was an important pillar in my being delighted with life that month, and has no relation to my getting worse. Even in the moments when she was distant I felt alive because of my concern for her. To think that I failed because of someone's absence is the kind of dumb thinking that I prefer to leave to the other miserable people who have hurt her in the past.
That's it. I always feel better after writing here. I wish I could say it's good to be back, but it's not. If you have read this far, well, thank you, I guess? Lol
Take care :)
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