Story One last broken promise

[Fragile]

some months ago i promised myself that i could give life one last chance and everything would work out, maybe living one last year while waiting for things to get better not for me but for the ones i love was the least i could do.

i realize now that i was just being delusional and this is just hopeless, every day i feel worse both mentally and physically and i'll never be able to accept this life in any way, everything is fundamentally broken and impossible to repair, i was born without a single chance in this life.

so starting next month i'll be moving away from the family that i love with all my hearth, my mother and brothers.
moving will be hard since i can't even eat due to anxiety and my muscles are wasting, but if i don't do it now then there will be no other chance.
i'll be wraping things up and start the preparations for my CTB, getting my method will take some time but i don't imagine it will take that long.
i really can't continue with this, i'm more than ready to go but the hardest part is leaving them, writing the letters will be the hardest thing that i've done in my life, i'm almost crying thinking about it. their lives are already fucked, i fear that this will destroy them for as long as they live.

knowing that i have one month to live is making me very nostalgic, i'm constantly thinking about the little things that i enjoyed in life and what could have been if i wasn't born this fucked way, i really wanted to see my little brother grow up and become a better person than i am, i really wanted to watch and rewatch some movies and series that i liked, watch my other brother and my mother reconcile and have a healthy relationship.

there sound of the wind passing throug the leaves in a cold clowdy day takes me back when things were easier, all that beauty will be lost ones i'm gone.

want to know something tragic? today is my mother's birthday, the guilt is crushing me, but i have to act normal and give her one last birthday to remember at least the good side of me, i'll try to act as functional as possible for her sake, i can't live long enough for christmas so i'll try my hardest today.

Thanks for reading, it really means a lot to me.

 

[noctiva]

I'm sorry to hear how much you are suffering. I think everyone reading your message will be touched and cannot help but empathise with you.
You sound like you have made up you mind. It is admirable that you tried to hold on for your family as long as you could and that you're trying to make your mothers birthday memorable for her by being there for and with her.
I hope that you will find what you're looking for and that your final journey is a peaceful one. Take care and be kind to yourself, your deserve it. <3

 

[Fragile]

I'm sorry to hear you're much you are suffering. I think everyone reading your message will be touched and cannot help but empathise with you.
You sound like you have made up you mind. It is admirable that you tried to hold on for your family as long as you could and that your trying to make your mothers birthday memorable for her by being there for and with her.
I hope that you will find what you're looking for and that your final journey is a peaceful one. Take care and be kind to yourself, your deserve it. <3

Thank you, your message is very kind.

i'm barely able to hold the tears back right now.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you, now I'm blushing!
Please don't be ashamed of who you are and how you are feeling. Crying can be a very cathartic experience, and since I've decided to die, I've cried a lot. But it has helped me to make peace with myself, with my death.
I think you're already expressing wonderful thoughts for your notes in your original post, where you say that leaving them behind is the hardest thing you will ever do and your wish to see your bother grow up into a wonderful upstanding man. Your loved ones are fortunate to have someone as considerate and compassionate as you as part of their family.
All the very best wishes and be gentle with yourself, take your time to write your notes, and rewrite them until they are just right for you, gather your method and show yourself the same love and understanding that you show your family. <3

 

[Fragile]

The day was so beautiful, everyone was showered with love and my mother looked so happy, and yet i couldn't hold my tears back, i pretended to smile but deep down the thought that this was the last time that they will have such happines broke me, that gloomy feeling was the only thing in my mind while staring at the moon. will they ever be able to recover from my death and have happy days like this?

i hugged her and told her how much i apreciated her, that i couldn't have whished for a better mother, she noticed the tears in my eyes and told me to stay, to not leave, of course she meant it as in stay alive, she knows better than anyone that i have struggled with suicide and illnesses for over 10 yeas, guess that's another promise that i can't keep.

i really hope that they manage to live full lives after this, and that their little group of friends can carry them through the pain, but i have no way of knowing if that will be the case.

again, thanks for reading.

 

[noctiva]

Hei @Fragile, I'm happy to hear that your mother had a wonderful day and that you were with her and your family. I can understand how tough it must have been for you, knowing that you want to ctb soon and empathizing with your loved one's grief. You of course cannot take their grief away, nor can you do the grieving work for them. Some people can make peace with suicide, some cannot. But you can help them, both in life and in death, to deal better. Spend time with them in life, tell them what they need to know (not the suicide bit, but your mom sounds like she might understand, but better not risk sectioning), tell them you are in pain, that it's bad today, that you love and appreciate them, basically as you have already done for a long while according to your own account.
In death you can help them by leaving a very long and detailed note, explaining your pain and your feelings, explaining how conflicted you were because of your love for them, ask them for forgiveness and ask that they support each other. I am additionally writing a journal for my partner, where I write down how I feel today, what he has done that made me smile, how much I appreciate his gesture and him. So if he ever reads it, he can basically follow the last 2 months of my life almost day by day, relive them from my own point of view.

Take care of yourself and don't be too concerned about broken promises, we all break promises from time to time. It comes with a heavy burden of guilt for most humans, which merely means that the happiness of others and our own honesty is very important for us. Be kind to yourself and take the best of care.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That was touching to read.
My sympathies.