FireFox
Enlightened
- Apr 8, 2020
- 1,653
If I can not control how I can live then I can control how I die and when i can leave this world, suicide for me is all about control and preventing myself from living to have an awful 30s which I know 100% will be terrible. When I turn 30 I am going to find a beauty spot and kill myself with carbon monoxide poisoning or alternatively take a fatal overdose.
I am 27 years old and I have accepted these are the final years of my life, i dont want to see another decade. I have spent my teenage years being unhappy, my early 20s being suicidal and dealing with anoxeria and only when I reached 25 years for a short time I stopped being suicidal because my life was beginning to get to better. I had the most amazing holiday in Venice where I truly found myself and felt so alive like never before and then coming back from travelling I have the strongest interview performance ever and got the job. I fell in love with an older man his 50s because he waa the first guy to notice and give me attention while guys my own age always ignored me and never wanted to know me I thought he was a nice guy but he turned out to be two faced man who really caused me lot of pain with his lying and gaslighting while portraying himself to be the "nice guy". I am deeply nostalgic for 2022 because it really was the best year of my life and I wish I could travel back in time and stay in the Autumn and winter of 2022 because it was a magical period of my life. Autumn I was in Venice exploring attractions, riding the waterbus and water taxi to get to A to B, I had a holiday apartment with a beatuiful balcony view of the Lagoon and I was beginning to feel ready about what I wanted in life which was to study a law masters and then become a lawyer afterwards. Winter it was snowing in London and on my lunch break I played in the snow. I was riding at all time high in my life until everything went wrong last year : forced to see horrible relatives overseas and also got stranded aboard, got heartbroken, kept failing at work which caused me to lose my job, everything good I had planned for the year ended up not happening and simple things I was good at I was failing at. I really cared about that man, gave all my attention to him and he treated me as if I was nothing. When I was ready to move on he began sabotaging me at work I never used to understand why he changed towards me the minute I figured out he was being deceptive over his relationship complex status and I was ready to move on from him.
Only when I met the stoner Norwegian militant atheist guy during the summer I only got over the old man and that didn't work out either and his rejection of me has driven me over the edge because I invested a lot in trying to build a relationship with him but still he believed i was not good enough for him. I talk to the guys in my university class and i can't click with them and they don't click with me either. Honestly this is why I can't over the the stoner guy . The stoner guy and i we had the most fun conversations ever but guys at university it's not like that. I feel like I am never going to meet anyone fun like him ever. It's hurts so much because I really wanted him so much and we clicked with each other in someways. This guy didn't even respect me and had toxic traits but still I miss him so much. The loneliness I feel at university intensifies these feelings I have for him.
it's hard to explain but everyday when i wake up i just feel like i do not belong here in this world. All my life I have struggled to fit in, constantly experienced things not working out and the constant loneliness of being single and never being picked are the reasons why I don't want my life anymore. I believe life is a BS game and I am doing playing because I keep losing.
I am 27 years old and I have accepted these are the final years of my life, i dont want to see another decade. I have spent my teenage years being unhappy, my early 20s being suicidal and dealing with anoxeria and only when I reached 25 years for a short time I stopped being suicidal because my life was beginning to get to better. I had the most amazing holiday in Venice where I truly found myself and felt so alive like never before and then coming back from travelling I have the strongest interview performance ever and got the job. I fell in love with an older man his 50s because he waa the first guy to notice and give me attention while guys my own age always ignored me and never wanted to know me I thought he was a nice guy but he turned out to be two faced man who really caused me lot of pain with his lying and gaslighting while portraying himself to be the "nice guy". I am deeply nostalgic for 2022 because it really was the best year of my life and I wish I could travel back in time and stay in the Autumn and winter of 2022 because it was a magical period of my life. Autumn I was in Venice exploring attractions, riding the waterbus and water taxi to get to A to B, I had a holiday apartment with a beatuiful balcony view of the Lagoon and I was beginning to feel ready about what I wanted in life which was to study a law masters and then become a lawyer afterwards. Winter it was snowing in London and on my lunch break I played in the snow. I was riding at all time high in my life until everything went wrong last year : forced to see horrible relatives overseas and also got stranded aboard, got heartbroken, kept failing at work which caused me to lose my job, everything good I had planned for the year ended up not happening and simple things I was good at I was failing at. I really cared about that man, gave all my attention to him and he treated me as if I was nothing. When I was ready to move on he began sabotaging me at work I never used to understand why he changed towards me the minute I figured out he was being deceptive over his relationship complex status and I was ready to move on from him.
Only when I met the stoner Norwegian militant atheist guy during the summer I only got over the old man and that didn't work out either and his rejection of me has driven me over the edge because I invested a lot in trying to build a relationship with him but still he believed i was not good enough for him. I talk to the guys in my university class and i can't click with them and they don't click with me either. Honestly this is why I can't over the the stoner guy . The stoner guy and i we had the most fun conversations ever but guys at university it's not like that. I feel like I am never going to meet anyone fun like him ever. It's hurts so much because I really wanted him so much and we clicked with each other in someways. This guy didn't even respect me and had toxic traits but still I miss him so much. The loneliness I feel at university intensifies these feelings I have for him.
it's hard to explain but everyday when i wake up i just feel like i do not belong here in this world. All my life I have struggled to fit in, constantly experienced things not working out and the constant loneliness of being single and never being picked are the reasons why I don't want my life anymore. I believe life is a BS game and I am doing playing because I keep losing.
