Venting once again realising im just an awful person

[coolgal82]

its hitting me again after yesterday where i went on a rant about my besties and how much i hated them cus like idk they didnt ask where i was when i didnt vc or something? idk it was fucking stupid and like idk how i could say that shit when everything i said was just basically wrong. it hit me like when after i posted that they dmed me asking if i was alright but honestly i was too high to comprehend it so its only hitting me today and i feel so fucking awful for everything i said and thought im such a selfish terrible bitch how the fuck could i say or think that shit when theyve done so much for me and been so awesome.

im terrible in other ways too like way too much to go into but ive done that kinda thing with other friendgroups where a small conflict makes me go "fuck you you guys dont respect me" then i leave then i cope for a bit like "i miss them but its for the better" then later its like "fuck i miss them but they probably hate me now cus im awful"

also i cant stand not getting my own way especially irl and either just beg until my parents give in and basically take advantage of them, or just end up flipping out over some tiny fucking thing. im so terrible to them i wish they hated me tbh i dont get why they dont they should itd be the reasonable option ive been nothing but awful to them pretty much forever ive been having like a meltdown or causing them stress in other ways and not returning like any of the good stuff they do for me.

honestly i just act (and feel) like a fucking child and i have no idea how to mature i hate it i hate it i hate myself so much im the fucking worst i hope my besties leave me so i can get the courage to ctb tbh. honestly i feel guilty about how it'd upset my parents but even then like its saving them from alot of future stress and i think they'll be glad at some point. i just wish i had the courage to actually do it.

 

[Blue Dream]

Hating yourself won't undo what's done.
What would be the smallest steps you can manage towards change?

 

[coolgal82]

Hating yourself won't undo what's done.
What would be the smallest steps you can manage towards change?

ik it wont which is why i need to CTB, because i literally cannot change, the only good thing i can do would be to end it all

 

[onelastcall]

At this point just embrace it. Full on villain.

 

[coolgal82]

At this point just embrace it. Full on villain.

i cant though like its not like i dont have empathy and i dont like wanna do the things? well like i do at the time but i either cant or i do it and then feel bad but i still want to do it thats the problem and i cant just not feel bad idk its complicated. but like i dont wanna actively do it cus i will feel bad after yknow.

 

[onelastcall]

i cant though like its not like i dont have empathy and i dont like wanna do the things? well like i do at the time but i either cant or i do it and then feel bad but i still want to do it thats the problem and i cant just not feel bad idk its complicated. but like i dont wanna actively do it cus i will feel bad after yknow.

Yeah I was just being ironic there. I know that feeling, we are not that different. Selfish in the moment. I think it's caused by some sort of trauma or just the fear of abandonement.

 

[coolgal82]

Yeah I was just being ironic there. I know that feeling, we are not that different. Selfish in the moment. I think it's caused by some sort of trauma or just the fear of abandonement.

tbh it might be sometimes (the second one atleast cus i have no trauma so it cant be that) but other times idk

 

[Blue Dream]

ik it wont which is why i need to CTB, because i literally cannot change, the only good thing i can do would be to end it all

Is ctb really easier than stopping yourself from abusing your parents?

 

[coolgal82]

Is ctb really easier than stopping yourself from abusing your parents?

probably yeah although tbh part of the problem is both feel impossible but ctb seems like way more possible still yknow like some infinities are bigger than other infinities

 

[5karlet]

its hitting me again after yesterday where i went on a rant about my besties and how much i hated them cus like idk they didnt ask where i was when i didnt vc or something? idk it was fucking stupid and like idk how i could say that shit when everything i said was just basically wrong. it hit me like when after i posted that they dmed me asking if i was alright but honestly i was too high to comprehend it so its only hitting me today and i feel so fucking awful for everything i said and thought im such a selfish terrible bitch how the fuck could i say or think that shit when theyve done so much for me and been so awesome.

im terrible in other ways too like way too much to go into but ive done that kinda thing with other friendgroups where a small conflict makes me go "fuck you you guys dont respect me" then i leave then i cope for a bit like "i miss them but its for the better" then later its like "fuck i miss them but they probably hate me now cus im awful"

also i cant stand not getting my own way especially irl and either just beg until my parents give in and basically take advantage of them, or just end up flipping out over some tiny fucking thing. im so terrible to them i wish they hated me tbh i dont get why they dont they should itd be the reasonable option ive been nothing but awful to them pretty much forever ive been having like a meltdown or causing them stress in other ways and not returning like any of the good stuff they do for me.

honestly i just act (and feel) like a fucking child and i have no idea how to mature i hate it i hate it i hate myself so much im the fucking worst i hope my besties leave me so i can get the courage to ctb tbh. honestly i feel guilty about how it'd upset my parents but even then like its saving them from alot of future stress and i think they'll be glad at some point. i just wish i had the courage to actually do it.

i'm not gonna say getting mad over small things isn't a problem but if they really are your friends if you go off on them even if you are wrong or if you feel bad about it or not you guys should be able to work things out. my friends have committed some egregious acts against each other and we are as close as we can ever be. i hope you get through what you're going through and i wish you the best of luck going forwards.

 

[coolgal82]

i'm not gonna say getting mad over small things isn't a problem but if they really are your friends if you go off on them even if you are wrong or if you feel bad about it or not you guys should be able to work things out. my friends have committed some egregious acts against each other and we are as close as we can ever be. i hope you get through what you're going through and i wish you the best of luck going forwards.

i didnt say anything to them this time but i have once in the past but even if i didnt i still feel super fucking bad for even saying it elsewhere when theyre so awesome all over me just being fucking sensitive

 

[coolgal82]

i didnt say anything to them this time but i have once in the past but even if i didnt i still feel super fucking bad for even saying it elsewhere when theyre so awesome all over me just being fucking sensitive

also the fact that i could in the future is kinda idk i hate it