Story On transgender and my suicidal tendencies : an essay.

[BlueberryDeer]

Apart from that image, I could have started with a meme template of MiB II when Agent J said "The fact that I'm trans doesn't mean that I will take my own life... / Well, I'm suicidal but isn't for being transgender".
I found this image who resumed one of my current states of mind. I have been struggling with gender dysphoria since 2019, and I thought that my gender identity was the main reason why I was dissatisfied with my entire life. Well, the pandemic cut it off my plans of coming out as transgender.
Technically, I have my document with my current name. I can use my bank account with my current female name. At my work, my gender identity is respected. Sure. All of those are significant achievements, but doesn't resolve my main problem with my gender identity.
I feel trapped in an open loop project. Let's call it "Project Diane". Diane feels incomplete. She wants to start Hormone Replacement Therapy. She wants to win a lottery jackpot for a bundle of aesethic procedures, such as removing Adam's apple, facial harmonizing, breasts implants and a full laser hair removal in each inch / centimeter of her body. Diane wants to use the make-up properly. She wants to look awesome as a remarkable executive in blazer, skirt and moccasins during workdays, and at the weekends the good looking punk /alt woman at the city.
However, I'm stuck in that project. Playing with the well known Britney Spears song, changing a subtle word : "I'm not a boy, not yet a woman...", resumes the myriad of confusion and frustration that I'm facing in. I thought that it's impossible or overwhelming to complete my womanhood journey in poverty, with limited resources and access to public health care, since the waiting times are absurd and I'm against self medication. Amidst that worries, the suicidal thoughts appears with a concerning frequency.
Being transgender doesn't mean that, automatically, we have facing this mental issue. The problem is that the circumstances may vary country from country, and achieving the fully desirable gender identity and expression could be a plausible life goal, or a kind of death sentence, specially in conservative religious nations. Since any other type of people, we carry with us the same mental disorders, the same work related struggles, the social and economic challenges of surviving. The main difference is that transgender people are dealing with all the current problems of the world with the own war inside of reaffirming a lost paradigm, and some of us only discovered at our late adult years. And that kind of mental obstacles fuel the suicidality, apart from the daily basis transphobia.
Detransition - the act of renouncing to live in a transgender or non binary identity and returning to the gender assigned at birth - isn't a real option, even it's the worst scenario. Being a man represented the most undesirable acts and attitudes that I lived in my stay at this side of the universe. Bringing another change word game, this time I brought a line from NoFX: "Don't call me man, don't call me man... Represents everything I hate...".
I will not address the transphobia theme, including the despicable "meme" from the conservative bigots who use the "Hahahha 40%", or as I receive in a social media app, a reply with an image of Mr. Bean in drag, suggesting that I look similar to that. That could be another topic for an own dissertation.
Returning to the initial image : I don't feel pretty. I know that for social sympathies they will affirm that I'm beautiful, that I'm valid. Or, bringing again music references, should I listen on loop "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera? The problem is that I only live by the imagination of how Diane could be in the future, how Diane could look, not what Diane is. I'm aware of that. I'm aware who I am. But I can't figure how to improve myself. I know that gender identity and my woman identity is a personal appreciation and I shouldn't be worried by the beauty standards; however, that myriad of thoughts, such as a crazy train of constant unsorted synapses, is what brought me to this community to discuss openly and sincerely suicide topics.
If I can't be the woman I want, I will get close to the death by my own hands. I know there will be a shock to my brothers and friends, but it's there and I don't feel guilt for thinking about it. But again, I will not cease to exist because of the transphobia, because in most of the circumstances I ignore it or report it, but some sisters fell into the void because of that, and perhaps their legacy must motivate me to stay at the line. The main issue is that the time is short and I'm out of resources to resolve my mental issues, aside from writing it.

 

[U. A.]

Have you delved much into internalised transphobia?

 

[systemic_livestock]

I relate alot with this post, I'm a transwomen and been open about it since I was 15, it fucked me up soically my male friend group kicked me out i was a soical out-cast untill I was able to make friends with this one girl who took me into her friend group but past graduating hs i am failed to make any meaningful friendships and i dont get alone with anyone anymore irl. family only partly supported me viewing it as only a phase, my dad urged me to go back to being male but was never directly disrespectful past that. Wasn't allowed hrt or hormone blockers untill I was medically independent at 18. i stress about how I'll never pass or my education won't go well as I've never been a good student I've barely passed hs and have addictive personality, somtimes i feel i bring shame to my family. People tell me I went on hrt at a young age or whatever but I stress about how male puberty ruined me or my male bones won't let me pass, I appear androgynous whenever I ask people I stress about never passing and essentially grow up to be a absolute disgusting brickhon of which i feel it'd be best for myself and the world catch to the bus, maby I'll turn things around.