Help On asociality and the biological imperative to make friends

[smile418]

I've been asocial my entire life. The mundane mechanisms of human interaction just never seemed to interest me at all. Even when I am in a social setting I could talk but since I don't have this desire to be heard I then ask myself: Why even speak? In the end I just sit there silently and avoid this situation in the future.
However I realize the biological importance of finding a "tribe"/friend-group to give you a sense of belonging and importance. These emotions will likely diminish suicidal feelings a lot if you perceive a lack meaning in your life.
So how reap the benefits of being social when I am inherently not? Do I just force myself and hope for the best? Do any of you feel similarly?

As I am giving life one more shot this is a problem I have to overcome for it (life) to actually work out. This is why I decided to become an active member of this forum and that's also why I would genuinely appreciate it when you PM me!

 

[Moonomyth]

Socialization can happen in means beyond communication. Obviously some of that has to happen to impart some ideas but I have known people who socialized merely by inhabiting the same space as people and feeling welcomed, even if they weren't engaging with anybody directly. This only becomes a problem when aggressive extroverts make concerted efforts to "drag you out of your shell" or whatever.

You could also socialize through a hobby or something that gives you a reason to "talk shop" without feeling like you're obligated to make some sort of deeper connection with a specific person. I know a number of people in various hobby gaming communities for whom that's their primary socialization outlet; they don't necessarily talk to connect with people but because, say, they're working out ideas for new decks in Magic: The Gathering or trying out new painting techniques and want feedback, things like that.

 

[smile418]

Socialization can happen in means beyond communication. Obviously some of that has to happen to impart some ideas but I have known people who socialized merely by inhabiting the same space as people and feeling welcomed, even if they weren't engaging with anybody directly. This only becomes a problem when aggressive extroverts make concerted efforts to "drag you out of your shell" or whatever.

You could also socialize through a hobby or something that gives you a reason to "talk shop" without feeling like you're obligated to make some sort of deeper connection with a specific person. I know a number of people in various hobby gaming communities for whom that's their primary socialization outlet; they don't necessarily talk to connect with people but because, say, they're working out ideas for new decks in Magic: The Gathering or trying out new painting techniques and want feedback, things like that.

Wow first of all I want to thank you for your reply. My mind is blown since I never before considered this point of view of non-communicative socialization.

The "aggressive extroverts" are actually not a problem since my shell is not really big anymore and only inhabiting a space that is intended for communication (like eating in public) and not communicating myself is not really comfortable for me.
But the idea of indirectly socializing via a hobby is absolutely genius. It should be enough for the low "human-need" that I have without any of the negatives that come with traditional friends.

Thank you so much. I will absolutely have to pick up a hobby with human interaction.

 

[Rollo]

I've been asocial my entire life. The mundane mechanisms of human interaction just never seemed to interest me at all. Even when I am in a social setting I could talk but since I don't have this desire to be heard I then ask myself: Why even speak? In the end I just sit there silently and avoid this situation in the future.
However I realize the biological importance of finding a "tribe"/friend-group to give you a sense of belonging and importance. These emotions will likely diminish suicidal feelings a lot if you perceive a lack meaning in your life.
So how reap the benefits of being social when I am inherently not? Do I just force myself and hope for the best? Do any of you feel similarly?

As I am giving life one more shot this is a problem I have to overcome for it (life) to actually work out. This is why I decided to become an active member of this forum and that's also why I would genuinely appreciate it when you PM me!

See many people who are asocial - they are not inherently asocial. They are asocial due to social anxiety. You're saying you avoid 'this situation', social setting, in the future, but by the way you put it - it's a recuring situation. And perhaps you don't even want to avoid it. You say you don't have a desire to talk, but you still ask yourself 'why even speak?'. It means there is actually some desire to speak, otherwise you wouldn't even ask yourself this, you would just be silent.

 

[Lethe]

I'm asocial too, and all my friends have been met around the common interest of videogames. I thought all friendships were based around common interests anyway?

Don't you have any pre-existing hobbies?

 

[smile418]

I'm asocial too, and all my friends have been met around the common interest of videogames. I thought all friendships were based around common interests anyway?

Don't you have any pre-existing hobbies?

My hobby was actually video gaming as well but the problem is that it is too easy to avoid any social contact which I tend to do a lot. That is why I should probably substitute this through something physical where socializing is more forced.

 

[Eridanos]

My hobby was actually video gaming as well but the problem is that it is too easy to avoid any social contact which I tend to do a lot. That is why I should probably substitute this through something physical where socializing is more forced.

What kind of videogames did you played?
Many team based multiplayer games are great if you want to get used to talking to complete strangers. I "softened" my shell through gaming: I would stay in the team voice chat and talk about the game, one thing leads to another, you find yourself talking about something completely unrelated and sometimes you may even end up developing friendships.
Online interactions are not the same as physical ones but they can help you to better cope with the need for a "group" to belong to.

 

[dyingtodie]

Going to Kirtans or Song Circles or a Choir can be a good way to meet this annoying human need. If it's a large enough group, you may not need to sing, but you can just enjoy people singing. Even people who 'can't' sing, often sound pretty good when singing as part of a group. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a 'Wanderer', not from Earth, and that's why I've always had a difficult time here.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I only became asocial over time; I was never a real extrovert but I had close friends and friend groups and a desire to keep up with them. Gradually I lost this and became more alienated and afraid (and only later disinterested) of people and I can tell you that your analysis is spot on: on some evel we are missing something essential. It's like the reptile brain fighting the mammalian brain; I have no idea how to resolve this, probably we have to make a compromise by forcing ourselves now and then to socialize.

 

[smile418]

Going to Kirtans or Song Circles or a Choir can be a good way to meet this annoying human need. If it's a large enough group, you may not need to sing, but you can just enjoy people singing. Even people who 'can't' sing, often sound pretty good when singing as part of a group. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am a 'Wanderer', not from Earth, and that's why I've always had a difficult time here.

That's a really good practical suggestion as well. The only thing is that my fear of public singing is that intense that even pretending to sing might be too much. But if I am courageous enough to do it I would solve two problems at once. I guess I just have to try I out.

Additionally I think there are more of us 'Wanderes' here on Earth than you might think; we just don't meet each other ever because we all sit at home alone.

 

[-Link-]

See many people who are asocial - they are not inherently asocial. They are asocial due to social anxiety. You're saying you avoid 'this situation', social setting, in the future, but by the way you put it - it's a recuring situation. And perhaps you don't even want to avoid it. You say you don't have a desire to talk, but you still ask yourself 'why even speak?'. It means there is actually some desire to speak, otherwise you wouldn't even ask yourself this, you would just be silent.

Yeah, this kind of rings to me as a rationalization for social anxiety or avoidance.

Maybe you're a highly sensitive person and/or an introvert (neither of which are clinical problems) with low social needs or low social energy who just hasn't found the right people to connect with.

I'm not sure a genuine lone wolf would be asking these questions or having these thoughts. If you're feeling any pressure to speak, then that seems more an issue of anxiety or incompatibility with the other person (or both).