Venting ohymgod i cant do this forever

[passivethought121]

Maybe I'm like this because I haven't been able to sleep away from my suicidality. usually disappears as I get distracted but it hasn't for days. Total of 5 hours of sleep. Also because I have no benzos to force myself to sleep. I can't stand the thought of doing this forever. Feeling too lazy to CTB. I can blame SI all I want but I'm just lazy. The rest of my life is gonna be spent working or otherwise distracting myself from my desire. I'll be a walking husk, only existing to satisfy the absolute bare minimum requirements of culture and biology. I'm too depressed to see any point in trying to get better or even wanting to. I feel like I'd be better off dying than wasting the time and money and resources of money just to not get better. They don't understand how inefficient it is trying to motivate someone who will always prefer to die. Nobody irl would agree with me but they know I'm right. But I'm not depressed enough to be unable to get out of bed. I'd have to force myself to stay in bed all day. I'm gonna spend every day waking up wishing I was dead, imagining all the scenarios as I go throughout my day, feeling a slight increase in my mood, only to have it drop back down to its default shitty state. Real, normal happiness only hits for 15 minutes. Cutting only works for 5 minutes at a time and I'm in no mood to be a surgeon. They say to live for the happy moments but I don't like being reminded that I'm ultimately an empty and miserable human being. No direction, no genuine drive, and apathy. Everything is a chore, most things requiring too much effort. I'll keep putting things off in case I do CTB. I want a job so I'll stop being labeled as a lazy freeloader but I don't want one in case I CTB (and/or survive). Even if I do, would I even be able to manifest the productive persona needed to stay there? Would my desire become so strong that I eventually lose my ability to hide it and eventually be laid off? I want friends so I'll have more ways to distract myself. But is it worth getting friends knowing I'll eventually CTB? Wouldn't being friendless just conveniently speed up the wait? Should I even be weighing them down with my awkward presence? To try and fail again at smooth social interaction? It feels as if there is a barrier between me and everyone, even my closest friends. I want to fit in so everyone will shut up but it's more convenient to think about how I'm gonna CTB instead of trying to do so. Am I gonna be so lazy that I am thinking these thoughts at 30? 40? Wishing I had CTB'd now instead of waiting and wanting? Or figuratively drowning myself so I can avoid thinking? Maybe I'll feel less lazy when there's a greater ease of access. I hate the idea of living like this forever, but I'd rather just die than get 'help'.
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TLDR: Someone (me) needs to be sedated.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

this is literally how I feel 100%. Plus the fact that I don't want to live with the many unpleasant quirks of my brain for the rest of my life