Phosphorous 4
Member
- May 21, 2024
- 72
I think I see a lot of posts on SaSu about people wanting to make connections, meaningful connections with others; platonic, romantic or otherwise. I know I have definitely been one of those people. It's been my experience that whenever I seek these kinds of relationships out, I attract the wrong kinds of people in return, it needs to happen organically.
The entirety of today from the moment I woke up was different, as far as my usual thoughts, mood and behavior goes. When I woke up, I checked my phone for messages and I noticed that all of the people I was speaking to, were people I had met extremely recently and the quality or depth of the relationship obviously isn't the same as with a person you've known since you were a child.
I don't think there is anything wrong with new friends, but I think they are more similar to acquaintances than anything. You have no history with a new friend, you don't truly have a long internal record of their behavior or thoughts and opinions on things that matter, so you can't trust them the same. You can't open up to them about things the way you would to a person you know without a doubt has your best interest in mind. With real friends, even if you haven't spoken to them in years, even if the relationship ended with a fight, or you're going through something difficult or say/do/enjoy something different, they're still there for you and they always support you. Without my oldest friendships, my newest friendships still leave me feeling cut out socially. I still feel on the outside, and not part of something, as much as I am a witness to something. I am a witness to the POSSIBILITY that this new friend might one day become an old friend or screw me over and become a no-one in my life again.
I've been by cut off willingly for so long, I chose to start dealing with life apart from the people who care for me the most, and I never thought that I'd still have people waiting for me to reach out after so many years. I wish I never decided to do that and I wonder where I'd be if I hadn't chosen to be so hardcore about self isolating. Fuck being entirely alone, you lose your mind that way. I reached out to a childhood friend for example who told me she assumed I had killed myself because she hadn't heard from me in so long, which definitely says a lot about people's perceptions of me as far as suicidality goes, and it sucks that one of my favorite people on Earth was wondering if I was dead for the better part of the last decade. I don't like the idea that I could have other friends and relatives who are wondering the same kinds of things about me. I became very good at being very hard to reach or inquire about, it was my intention, so it's kind of my doing that anyone would have to think anything like that about me at all.
Social media can absolutely be a complete poison, but man oh man do I feel like I got some benefit out of it for once. I dusted off the old Instagram and Facebook, I sent a few hellos and got a wave of questions about my wellbeing in response. I got love back. Jeff Zuckleberg is still an evil bastard, but Meta gets points with me just for today. And all of this drive to repair old friendships has only made it easier with other things. I'm finding it easier to be social with my coworkers, I can open up more and be myself. My anxiety is down overall and I can look people in the eye when I speak to them again. I have forgotten how to flow during a verbal conversation though, I need to work on that.
I hope maybe this drives someone else to reach out to an old friend, maybe someone they don't believe is even thinking or caring about them, I was definitely wrong, others could be too.
The entirety of today from the moment I woke up was different, as far as my usual thoughts, mood and behavior goes. When I woke up, I checked my phone for messages and I noticed that all of the people I was speaking to, were people I had met extremely recently and the quality or depth of the relationship obviously isn't the same as with a person you've known since you were a child.
I don't think there is anything wrong with new friends, but I think they are more similar to acquaintances than anything. You have no history with a new friend, you don't truly have a long internal record of their behavior or thoughts and opinions on things that matter, so you can't trust them the same. You can't open up to them about things the way you would to a person you know without a doubt has your best interest in mind. With real friends, even if you haven't spoken to them in years, even if the relationship ended with a fight, or you're going through something difficult or say/do/enjoy something different, they're still there for you and they always support you. Without my oldest friendships, my newest friendships still leave me feeling cut out socially. I still feel on the outside, and not part of something, as much as I am a witness to something. I am a witness to the POSSIBILITY that this new friend might one day become an old friend or screw me over and become a no-one in my life again.
I've been by cut off willingly for so long, I chose to start dealing with life apart from the people who care for me the most, and I never thought that I'd still have people waiting for me to reach out after so many years. I wish I never decided to do that and I wonder where I'd be if I hadn't chosen to be so hardcore about self isolating. Fuck being entirely alone, you lose your mind that way. I reached out to a childhood friend for example who told me she assumed I had killed myself because she hadn't heard from me in so long, which definitely says a lot about people's perceptions of me as far as suicidality goes, and it sucks that one of my favorite people on Earth was wondering if I was dead for the better part of the last decade. I don't like the idea that I could have other friends and relatives who are wondering the same kinds of things about me. I became very good at being very hard to reach or inquire about, it was my intention, so it's kind of my doing that anyone would have to think anything like that about me at all.
Social media can absolutely be a complete poison, but man oh man do I feel like I got some benefit out of it for once. I dusted off the old Instagram and Facebook, I sent a few hellos and got a wave of questions about my wellbeing in response. I got love back. Jeff Zuckleberg is still an evil bastard, but Meta gets points with me just for today. And all of this drive to repair old friendships has only made it easier with other things. I'm finding it easier to be social with my coworkers, I can open up more and be myself. My anxiety is down overall and I can look people in the eye when I speak to them again. I have forgotten how to flow during a verbal conversation though, I need to work on that.
I hope maybe this drives someone else to reach out to an old friend, maybe someone they don't believe is even thinking or caring about them, I was definitely wrong, others could be too.
I may be rambling. TL;DR: Phos-4 woke up and chose to have a good day for once, and he succeeded. Go Phos-4.
