Story Of love and life

[Shatteredsouls]

I'll start this off by introducing myself, hi im shatteredsouls, ive been a lurker for a while and had an account a while ago called chantingdread.
This is my story of love and life, and ultimately why i can never be happy.
Why i yearn for death to release me from this agony.

Ill start with my childhood.
I was a normal happy kid with an older brother and countless friends.
Normal.
My moms friend had 2 daughters that matched me and my brothers ages,
We spent countless days and weekends being kids, playing having sleepovers and everything sweet and innocent about childhood. It could've been like a fairytale.
But life isn't so kind.
Our parents grew distant, busy with work and life and so we stopped seeing each other.
The next time i saw my friend, almost a decade later, she had gotten into drugs and had changed completely.
But who am i to have judged, for i changed too.
Then in grade 12, my final year of highschool.
I met a girl, at first i didn't realize what my feelings were, i was so completely inexperienced, no girls really talked to me.
Yet here she was talking and hanging out with me when we'd skip class or partner up in gym class.
And before i realized it, i had fallen for her.
Hard.
But it didn't work out, it couldn't.
I confessed my feelings poured my emotions into a text like a coward.
And got rejected of course.
I was a loser, i made every wrong play but live and learn right?
Well i didn't.
I was awkward as hell around her after that and the ultimately we stopped talking.
Friends no more.
The next 4 years of my life i did nothing but work and chase false happiness in the form of cars, i loved them, the thrill of speed and barely hanging on through the corners, but it never was enough.
And that girl i fell in love with, well she was like a ghost haunting me.
I never properly dealt with my feelings so every time i saw her in public it was like a jolt of lightning in my soul.
Fear.
She had such a weird ability to always show up when i didn't expect and so often too.
But now to this past fall, September to be exact.
Having given up on cars a year or 2 before i was and am a biker now.
I met a girl, again.
A chance meeting at my neighbors.
She was my age and had a suzuki bandit, blue first gen to be exact.
We spent the next few days hanging out usually just riding around with my neighbor whos also a huge biker.
But then she friended me on Facebook.
And the floodgates opened, we chatted non stop, the conversation didn't end, we'd sleep and start right back up in the morning, only 1 day that week we didn't hang out.
We'd go on walks or rides, then on the Thursday night she crashed.
She was fine, the bike wasn't.
I should've realized i was falling in love with her then, the panic i felt when i saw her bike skidding into the ditch, her tumbling after it.
I had never felt a fear like that before.
Im so glad she was fine.
We even went out to a bar the next night.
I ended the night kinda early which i regret but i was just too exhausted to stay up.
Then Saturday.
I wanted to take her for a ride on my bike since hers was still broken.
I had my plan my courage ready.
I was gunna take her for a ride and confess my feelings after.
But she didn't respond.
All day.
She had never done that before, we'd always respond to each other almost immediately.
My fears swirling around in me.
Threatening to tear me apart.
But they were true, my gut was right.
On sunday she told me she went on a date with someone.
That she liked him.
I felt a pain i didn't know i could experience.
I confessed, because i had to, i thought it might ease the pain.
It didn't.
I got friend zoned.
She stopped hanging out with me and slowly our conversations died.

Alone again.
Empty.
But worse than before, so much worse.
I had a taste of love, and now that i had it i couldn't live without it.
I threw myself into my work, i told her i was gunna take the winter to focus on myself.
I did, i paid off my bike loan, i moved out on my own, things are good.

And now to the present.
Im hopelessly in love again, a co worker.
One ive had a crush on ever since she started working at my work a couple years back but i never acted on it.
Until recently.
After our Christmas party i was at work on Christmas day, alone working on my car and i completely fell apart, i droped my tools and fell to the cold concrete floor, crying.
I am so alone.
I just want someone.
Someone to cuddle and watch movies with, someone to hold my hand while we walk through the park.
And after recovering from my shattering of my soul.
A few days later i asked my co worker out.
Got rejected.
But.
2 weeks later she friended me on Facebook.
We started chatting.
I fell more and more in love, a crush growing into genuine affection. So i asked her out again.
She said she'd think about it.
We kept chatting for a few weeks, the date never really happened but my feelings kept growing and growing.
Till one day i asked her once again for that friday night and she said she would try making plans for a babysitter for her daughter, it was looking like it might just happen.
But ultimately on that Thursday, she'd turn me down. For good this time.
But she tossed me a bone and said she'd like to keep chatting and be friends.
So, once again
Friend zoned.
We have been chatting still since then but i cant stop my feelings for her, she is the most beautiful woman in the world.
I'd trade almost anything just to go on a date with her.
We have quite a bit in common too.
But theres 2 key things.
Im 22, shes almost 35 and has a daughter.
Shes incredibly busy.
And if she was looking to date im sure she'd rather an actual man not just a boy playing at being an adult.
But i still wish, hope that maybe one day she might give me a shot.
But i know it wont happen.
Id sell my life to make her smile, to hear her laugh.
But would she do the same?
No, probably not.
So here i am, 22, kissless virgin.
Never once have i been loved only in love.
Its a soul crushing existence.
My life is hopeless.
The pain of being alone, of having no one is tearing me apart and i dont know how long i can keep up the act, the song and dance like a broken puppet on worn strings.
I have given myself 2 dates, a maximum and minimum, the minimum i mist live is this summer so i can meet my best friend for the first time, he lives in a different country.
I have to live to see him, to meet him but after im free to die.
And the max, is my birthday in 2027, if nothing has changed, if im still living the wretched existence by then ill ctb on my bday.

Thats my story, sorry its a mess and really long and missing so many detals but whatevs lol.

 

[Dingo67]

That sounds awful. At least you can say it wasn't your fault things went the way they did and that you tried. That hit really close to home as I've had a simillar experience with that sort of thing. Really read like something i'd say. I'm basically planning on the same thing, where if nothing changes for me, romantically speaking, by a certain point in the future i'll ctb. It's too much to bear for me, so desperately wanting to be loved, but finding nothing but rejection over and over again. All the while, so many get to fall in love and be in love everyday. It just never seems to work out, for me at least. It's so painful that at some point, it's going to kill me. And it only gets worse as time goes on. Anyway, I hope things end up working out for you and that you find the love you deserve. God bless

 

[Shatteredsouls]

That sounds awful. At least you can say it wasn't your fault things went the way they did and that you tried. That hit really close to home as I've had a simillar experience with that sort of thing. Really read like something i'd say. I'm basically planning on the same thing, where if nothing changes for me, romantically speaking, by a certain point in the future i'll ctb. It's too much to bear for me, so desperately wanting to be loved, but finding nothing but rejection over and over again. All the while, so many get to fall in love and be in love everyday. It just never seems to work out, for me at least. It's so painful that at some point, it's going to kill me. And it only gets worse as time goes on. Anyway, I hope things end up working out for you and that you find the love you deserve. God bless

Everybody loves someone, we are just the leftovers, the ones that fell through the cracks.
I only have a sliver of hope left that things can change in the future.
Perhaps i was a sinner in a past life and this is my hell, surrounded by happy people and i feel nothing but pain.
May things be better for you friend.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Look man, idk what your life experience is like. But it doesn't sound ctb worthy to me. At least wait until your brain has fully developed at 26.

You're too nice. Women don't like too nice. You have to develop the balls to ask them out quickly. They can sense when you like them, and that's when the clock starts ticking. If you don't act fast, they'll sense you hesitated. You've been rejected over and over again. You've already faced that pain. So you just have to face it as much as possible. Also you have to stop putting these women on pedestals, like each of them are special. They're not. They're just women. They're awesome, yes. But one can replace most others. It's sad but true. You can grow to love any one of them. Though some you may love more or less. It's like a job interview. It took me 150 applications to get one job. So what is that? That's a 99.3% failure/rejection rate. But it doesn't matter. Because I got a job. Ya dig? The average ratio is 100:1 for applications.

You're young, so I can tell you that if you keep grinding career/education, hit the gym (doesn't take much, 30 minutes 3x a week: bench press/ squat/(assisted) pull ups), have an interesting life, and you'll be golden in a few years. But it takes a lot of hard work and effort. But at the same time, you don't need that to win with women. Just walk around and ask women out. Learn what works and what doesn't. Create a script or just use a script. "Hi, my name is. I noticed your (insert non-body object: bag/purse/shoes/walking style, etc) and it intrigued me. Here's my number, hit me up if you like," or some such, in a calm confident voice while making good eye contact. If you're dead already, who cares if you embarrass yourself a couple more times?

This: "Id sell my life to make her smile, to hear her laugh." Stop it. Bad simp. No. This is our natural state as guys a lot of the time, we want to worship women; but, you have to realize women don't like that. At all. You are the prize. She is lucky to have *you*. That's what *she* wants to feel. "I won the lottery; I got me a good man." Not "He won the lottery. He's lucky to be with me." You see how one of those sounds better than the other?

Make her feel the way she wants to feel, and you win. It's not about being an asshole, it's about being comfortable and playful and *knowing* that you are worthy of her. You can't pedestalize her. She won't like it. Once she falls in love with you, then you can start getting all lovey-dovey. Until then you have to have an air of, "I know I can have any woman I want. I'm interested in you, but I'm not sold yet." mentality. Not an instant "I WILL GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU." They don't like that. It creeps 'em out. And that's okay: they get creeped out by pretty much everything. You just have to work on it and keep practicing and failing and practicing and failing. Just like your bike, right? You started out not knowing how to ride it, didn't know all kinds of things, then you didn't just ctb, you learned how to make it work, yeah? This can be fixed. Easily. Just with a tad bit of courage and effort.

 

[quietism]

Someone to cuddle and watch movies with, someone to hold my hand while we walk through the park. [...] the song and dance like a broken puppet on worn strings.

Me too. Exactly! ;_;
This story is very painful. Sounds like you did nothing wrong and just got unlucky. I'd consider myself in the same boat. Still, it sounds like you've made the most of a lot of opportunities, and despite how much it bothers me, life is full of gambling like that. You have to decide for yourself if it's worth the effort to keep taking that chance. And it sounds like you've already got a pretty reasonable plan for that.

The only other thought I have, getting friendzoned is not the end of the world. A good friend can be incredibly valuable - whether these people would be good friends is a different question, that you can only find out through trying. Just like how some people might be terrible partners but great friends.

My approach lately has been a little bit the opposite. I find a friend I can spend time with? Great. I'd really like a healthy relationship, but I don't expect it to happen. My mood would improve a lot just with friends.

You're too nice. Women don't like too nice. [...]

I mean this nicely, but this is total BS and real messed up. This is pickup artistry. Let me give you an idea by quoting one of my favourite books, The Tragedy of Heretosexuality by Jane Ward:

In the mid- 1970s, at the height of lesbian feminist writing, marital rape was legal in every state in the United States, and hence, rape was understood by lesbian feminists not only as an act of patriarchy but also as a normalized expression of heterosexuality.

Is that what women like? You really think? Does my voice as a woman matter at all here? It's not even been 50 years since then. I'll drive the point home the opposite direction with two other quotes:

We could also consider the gravity of the sociologist Diana Scully's argument, based on interviews with seventy-nine convicted rapists in the United States, that rape happens as frequently as it does because so few boys and men have been trained to identify with girls and women, to empathize with their experience, and to humanize them.
[...]
It is possible for straight men to like women so much, so deeply, that they actually really like women. Straight men could be so unstoppably heterosexual that they crave hearing women's voices, thirst for women's leadership, ache to know women's full humanity, and thrill at women's freedom. This is how lesbian feminists lust for women.

(The book's one of my favourite and a great read, by the way.)

 

[charcoalcat]

I mean this nicely, but this is total BS and real messed up. This is pickup artistry.

Chill. I think what @SchrodingerIsDed was trying to covey is most women aren't attracted to men who come hard at them with overwhelming adoration in the beginning (which is what OP did as described in his post). Not literally treat women harshly as your quoted example.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Bro even your response is too nice. "I mean this nicely, but this is total BS." Just say it's total BS. Don't preface it with "I mean this nicely." Be a little mean. It's okay. I was insulting women, you thought. I dunno if you're just being cheeky though.

Do you know what pick up art is? It is figuring out how to be the kind of man women like. It is learning how to please women. There can be manipulative aspects of that, but that doesn't mean you have to use them. You use tools to develop yourself to become more attractive to women. It's about what women want and giving that to them. The old 90s PUA is not cool, a lot of that was pure manipulations. Modern PUA is simply being as good of a man as you can, but also not letting women walk all over you and professing your undying love for them all the time immediately, or allowing them to walk away with 50% of your finances, assets, and income. And managing a woman's respect as a man, I think, is a LOT harder than managing it woman to woman. I mean how many men do women find actually attractive? Very few by default. Men find 80% of women attractive by default.

Oh, you're a woman? My bad. Different set of rules there. I'm actually not sure on how that works. But, as a man, I can tell you my experience has been women hate "too nice" because it seems unauthentic and it triggers their alarm bells like "What do you want from me?" Because they know instinctually people are not that nice, so when they are that nice, the "nice guys" are just trying to get laid, so they are transactional with the "I opened the door for you, now you owe me sex." type thing. That's what I mean by too nice. It is a trigger, and it is something that I and many men have been unstoppably heterosexual about. But feminism has a bad habit of thinking that "the best man is a man who tries to be a woman." That's not correct. It's a superiority movement.

Yes your voice matters as a woman, of course. And those are good quotes, mostly, and I didn't know those things; and, I'm always happy to learn more. I don't know why rapes happen, but I do know that you can't tell 99% of men they're really shitty people whose base nature is pure evil and they need to "learn" how to not rape people and are evil because of what 79 men did. Most men are not like that. In fact, most men are disgusted by rape. And if you keep pushing that narrative that this is just a widespread massive problem with men that needs to be fixed by making them more like women (teaching sensitivity and compassion and empathy) I don't think that's the solution. By doing that, you just scare 99% of men, and the 1% of men who do most of the crimes continue to do them, because they don't care about socialization. Not to mention declawing 99% of men which leaves them vulnerable to attack by other men, too, because we have to be tough. And those crimes often--more often--include killing other men: which also means men are much more of a danger to other men than women. Even though women feel more insecure and in danger.

Oh wow. I didn't know marital rape was not criminalized, though. Daaaamn. I had to fact-check that one. That's fair enough, but I wonder how many men actually did maritally rape their wives. My guess would be not many. Men are good and we really care about women by default. MUCH more than we care about other men. Though of course that law was fucked up and I'm glad the feminists got it changed!

If you'd like to see the other side of the rainbow, Karen Straughan (girlwriteswhat) is the one who flipped me from feminist to anti-feminist. She is on YouTube. "Why I'm not a feminist" was her prime video, I think. And that's anti-feminist NOT from the position of mysogyny, but from the position of equality for both genders and mutual respect and working on both male issues and female issues; but, she entirely rejects the position that marriage was female slavery and that society was formed for the benefit of men at the expense of women. If anything, it was reversed. Men did the hardest jobs, died the most, all to take care of their families. Dying in coal mines and war was their obligation, specifically to take care of women. Head of the Household status was the cookie they got for taking those risks.

Sorry for the length. I type too much. But yes, I do think--as a man--women can lose respect for you if you are too nice to them, and it can also set off "nice guy" alarm bells. That doesn't mean being mean, per se. Just not being a pushover. Women like masculinity, I mean non-lesbian women, and that means leadership and resilience and doing what needs to be done, and being able to bulldoze through life and take her along with you. She can't embrace her feminine if the man isn't embracing his masculine. Playful jabs or teasing isn't rude, it's play, for instance.