Story Odd way to have finally seen some light.

[SuicideBoys93]

I watched the FedEx man pull up today out front of my house. I instantly know what it was. I then wondered if he ever wonders what's in packages he delivers. I wondered if he would of ever had a clue that in that small box would be something I could CTB with. He sat the box down, rang the doorbell, and walked away. My anxiety shot through the roof. I paused at the door, and finally decided on opening it. I sat the box on my kitchen table debating if I should open it. I had to have looked at the box for a solid 30mins while going into a rabbit hole of thoughts about what's in the box infront of me. I eventually opened it, pulled the container out, and there it was Sodium Nitrite. Two pounds of it to be exact. (I'm American) Now this may seem dramatic, but it truly was dramatic. Holding the bottle, I had everything that I cared about in life flash before my eyes. In that moment, I didn't decide what I was buying next for my CTB plan, I decided that I'm going to stay right here. Alive. I read the directions, and stored the bottle appropriately. Out of sight, and out of mind. Would of been hard to explain what I'm doing with a bottle of Sodium Nitrite. I guess it's a weird safety blanket that I have stored away if I ever do feel it's time. I don't want it to be that way, because there are people here in my life that need me as much as I need them. I'm on day three of my four doses of Saint John's Wort. It could be placebo, but I felt good today. No impulses. Just the feeling of wanting to stick around taking the good with the bad. I'm not sure how I'll climb out of this hole, but today was my sign. My quick ray of light into that dark hole of nothing that I've been drowning in for quite some time. Here's to being here tomorrow, and the days ahead.

 

[Anon2662]

Glad to hear you feel good today and are feeling more positive about the future. This was such a lovely post to read :)

 

[SuicideBoys93]

Glad to hear you feel good today and are feeling more positive about the future. This was such a lovely post to read :)

Thank you, it was definitely quite the afternoon. Never in my life would I have thought the simple delivery from FedEx could be as dramatic as this afternoon was. Emotional to say the least.

 

[noaccount]

As someone who's done delivery for UPS
yeah it's surreal
got to see a house that Solzhenitsyn built though
glad you're here!!
yeah we don't want to be delivering death generally
<3

 

[Bea]

Thank you, it was definitely quite the afternoon. Never in my life would I have thought the simple delivery from FedEx could be as dramatic as this afternoon was. Emotional to say the least.

I can only imagine. I haven't acquired a means and keep stopping just short of that step. Although, I know what it is (as you said, when the time comes, if it does) and how to procure the supplies I need legally and quickly, as well.
Interesting I have not done so, yet......
Good luck with the St. John's Wort! Even if the effect is placebo, as you said, the Placebo Effect is a real thing.

 

[1kev]

I realized today also that life is too good to pass away. I've been going to the gym for 6 months consistently and realized I'm not going to throw all this away just because of my thoughts in my head. I wish you a good life.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

I realized today also that life is too good to pass away. I've been going to the gym for 6 months consistently and realized I'm not going to throw all this away just because of my thoughts in my head. I wish you a good life.

The gym has been one of my few hopes in life as well. The healthiest means of dumping this anger I've built up, and continue to build in life. Glad to hear the gym has been good to you.

 

[LADY007]

In case this helps anyone, I have SN I ordered online and wrapped a piece of paper around it as a label that
says BATH SALTS. If someone finds it...they will not be shocked and I motivate myself to go to the gym by saying
go to the gym and figure it out....that way, I feel like I am working on the problem at a place I love..

 

[SuicideBoys93]

Continue to be tested. My wife has been in such a bad mood, and it's rubbing off on me. I'm starting to get impulsive...

 

[LittleJem]

I watched the FedEx man pull up today out front of my house. I instantly know what it was. I then wondered if he ever wonders what's in packages he delivers. I wondered if he would of ever had a clue that in that small box would be something I could CTB with. He sat the box down, rang the doorbell, and walked away. My anxiety shot through the roof. I paused at the door, and finally decided on opening it. I sat the box on my kitchen table debating if I should open it. I had to have looked at the box for a solid 30mins while going into a rabbit hole of thoughts about what's in the box infront of me. I eventually opened it, pulled the container out, and there it was Sodium Nitrite. Two pounds of it to be exact. (I'm American) Now this may seem dramatic, but it truly was dramatic. Holding the bottle, I had everything that I cared about in life flash before my eyes. In that moment, I didn't decide what I was buying next for my CTB plan, I decided that I'm going to stay right here. Alive. I read the directions, and stored the bottle appropriately. Out of sight, and out of mind. Would of been hard to explain what I'm doing with a bottle of Sodium Nitrite. I guess it's a weird safety blanket that I have stored away if I ever do feel it's time. I don't want it to be that way, because there are people here in my life that need me as much as I need them. I'm on day three of my four doses of Saint John's Wort. It could be placebo, but I felt good today. No impulses. Just the feeling of wanting to stick around taking the good with the bad. I'm not sure how I'll climb out of this hole, but today was my sign. My quick ray of light into that dark hole of nothing that I've been drowning in for quite some time. Here's to being here tomorrow, and the days ahead.

St John's worked for me better than meds. I hope it is amazing for you. Keep us posted.