I've always struggled quite a bit with OCD, but the past year has been especially difficult. It frustrates me that family and friends don't understand how difficult it is to accomplish much of anything like this. Multiple hours a day are spent struggling with OCD. My chest is always tight, and I always feel like I'm on the brink of emotional collapse. Traumas are constantly playing through my mind. Intrusive thoughts are always working me into a frenzy. I've been up all night for so many nights in a row that I've become nocturnal. When I try to vent about it I'm always told to "see a therapist," as if I somehow haven't already considered it.
I've seen a few therapists, and they've always been predictable, condescending, or uninterested in me. I understand how OCD is treated (aside from medication), and I just can't do my part. No therapist can change that. I can't set and follow exposure goals, I just feel like it's impossible. I have so many different OCD themes that it feels like almost everything can be a trigger. Generally, seeing another therapist feels worthless to me. I struggle to trust them with my intrusive thoughts and I already understand the treatment. I've tried medication but that hasn't helped me either. I'm tired of cycling through medications, and all of their side-effects. One medication helped, but destroyed my sex drive. I can't live like that, and I'm terrified at the prospect of its long-term effects. Another gave me constant headaches and nightmares.
At this point, I don't even have money to see a therapist. I've spent all of it trying to find one. I don't have a job and a lot of the time I can't even get out of bed because I'm suffering so much. I don't have the energy to find one. I'm afraid that if I do find one, I'll be fired because I can't handle my OCD. Everyone just thinks I'm lazy, and it makes me so angry. They have no idea what it's like to live like this. I want to die so badly. I've gone from Christian, to agnostic, afraid to die, to accepting of whatever happens. I just want to die. I don't even care if my friends/family fuck up my funeral, or misremember me. They don't understand me now so I guess they never will, and that's fine. I'm just sick of living this way.
I've seen a few therapists, and they've always been predictable, condescending, or uninterested in me. I understand how OCD is treated (aside from medication), and I just can't do my part. No therapist can change that. I can't set and follow exposure goals, I just feel like it's impossible. I have so many different OCD themes that it feels like almost everything can be a trigger. Generally, seeing another therapist feels worthless to me. I struggle to trust them with my intrusive thoughts and I already understand the treatment. I've tried medication but that hasn't helped me either. I'm tired of cycling through medications, and all of their side-effects. One medication helped, but destroyed my sex drive. I can't live like that, and I'm terrified at the prospect of its long-term effects. Another gave me constant headaches and nightmares.
At this point, I don't even have money to see a therapist. I've spent all of it trying to find one. I don't have a job and a lot of the time I can't even get out of bed because I'm suffering so much. I don't have the energy to find one. I'm afraid that if I do find one, I'll be fired because I can't handle my OCD. Everyone just thinks I'm lazy, and it makes me so angry. They have no idea what it's like to live like this. I want to die so badly. I've gone from Christian, to agnostic, afraid to die, to accepting of whatever happens. I just want to die. I don't even care if my friends/family fuck up my funeral, or misremember me. They don't understand me now so I guess they never will, and that's fine. I'm just sick of living this way.
