howcanigo
another day without saying what i want to say?
- Sep 9, 2023
- 45
i have been obsessed with hanging ever since i was fairly young. its an image i can practically never get out of my head. i learned about hanging as a method for ending a life (yourself or another like in the case of death penalty) in movies i saw. i can't quite remember the first film/show i saw it in but ever since then it hasn't been out of my mind.
i tried to hang myself for the first time when i was 11, clumsily with some thick, shoe lace like, ribbon from my ceiling fan. using my bed as a jumping off point. did not tie it right and it was not an ideal material, of course, as i am typing now lol. blamed the big 'scratch' on my neck on the cat and no one questioned further, made me know that hiding how suicidal i am is not too difficult. it burned like hell when i got down, i was kind of delirious afterwards. it might be my only true memory from that age.
i think my ocd and autism would never allow me to not be suicidal. anytime i get a relatively 'okay' period in life, when it ends, by chemical shift or by shit situations or reminders of how terrible i am or how terrible life is, the image of me hanging or other people hanging immediately enters my mind. whenever its of me, i feel immediate relief, so my brain dwells on it more. everytime it comes back, i just want to ctb more. it seems like it only builds up too. if 11 year old me knew what was coming, she would've decided to get better rope and learn how to tie it.
i don't know if i could ever choose another method, it feels so perfect. maybe i'd debate jumping or guns if it were easier for me.
i wish i could talk about hanging with someone irl without it seeming like a major red flag, which is why im here lolol. i suppose it's a 'hyperfixation' of mine. although i wish i didn't think about it for hours in a day, at least its a reliable comfort. all of this will end one day, and i can speed up the process if i work at it. and no one would really stop me as i do well enough hiding it.
i tried to hang myself for the first time when i was 11, clumsily with some thick, shoe lace like, ribbon from my ceiling fan. using my bed as a jumping off point. did not tie it right and it was not an ideal material, of course, as i am typing now lol. blamed the big 'scratch' on my neck on the cat and no one questioned further, made me know that hiding how suicidal i am is not too difficult. it burned like hell when i got down, i was kind of delirious afterwards. it might be my only true memory from that age.
i think my ocd and autism would never allow me to not be suicidal. anytime i get a relatively 'okay' period in life, when it ends, by chemical shift or by shit situations or reminders of how terrible i am or how terrible life is, the image of me hanging or other people hanging immediately enters my mind. whenever its of me, i feel immediate relief, so my brain dwells on it more. everytime it comes back, i just want to ctb more. it seems like it only builds up too. if 11 year old me knew what was coming, she would've decided to get better rope and learn how to tie it.
i don't know if i could ever choose another method, it feels so perfect. maybe i'd debate jumping or guns if it were easier for me.
i wish i could talk about hanging with someone irl without it seeming like a major red flag, which is why im here lolol. i suppose it's a 'hyperfixation' of mine. although i wish i didn't think about it for hours in a day, at least its a reliable comfort. all of this will end one day, and i can speed up the process if i work at it. and no one would really stop me as i do well enough hiding it.
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