Venting obsession and jealousy

[b1264]

i regularly check these two girls socials , weird thing is i don't even know them personally, never met them, all i know is that i wish i looked like them

it sounds a little weird i suppose, but take into account that i'm a fat girl and always have been, i got heavily bullied last year and as a result i now have bulimia, which if anything just increases my weight and damages my body, i suppose is a blessing and a curse

anyway, i've never had many friends, i dropped out of school when i was 11 due to home issues and i have had no education since, i can't get a job because i zone out and can't do simple calculations.

so yes, i'm not smart and i'm not pretty or skinny or anything impressive which is why i just want it to be over, just to put it in another perspective here's how my day goes.

wake up around 4pm, asleep at 2am
repeat that process

during my day i'll either not eat or i'll binge eat, never a day goes by where i eat normally

i check these girls accounts, look through their following and just sort of try to live through them, i see the drama they get into or who they're dating and it excites me the same way a tv show would, except these people have no idea who i am, they just live nearby me.

i compare myself until i want to throw up my guts, my head throbs from crying and my mind becomes numb.

they are everything i could never be, good weight, nice body shape, family and friends, money, and most of all they are pretty, naturally pretty, without makeup or anything and yet the world falls at their feet.

i know it's really unhealthy and strange, maybe i'm even a creep, though i just really wish i was perfect

i don't expect a response from anyone , i just want someone to understand me, im not crazy i just wish the world treated those less fortunate looking better, and i wish we didn't grow up so fast , because i still feel like a kid yet i'm already an adult , an adult worth nothing and doing nothing, i mean this jealousy thing is childish yet it's my whole life , i wish i could change the past.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I wouldn't call it obsession as per say you know tbh most people use social media to follow even people they have never met. I had people follow me or add me on my social media that I have never met and vice versa because according to them I was pretty or had a nice body, nice legs, nice smile or whatever. I mostly used to follow girls on Instagram for motivation and inspiration like I would follow some fitness model's because I wanted to be healthy and fit, I would follow people who are into fashion because I like their fashion sense, I would follow YouTubers whom I enjoyed their content, I would follow girls who would have gone from obese to health weight because I liked their will power and determination to be fit and healthy. I followed all these different type of girls for different reasons.

As for being pretty without make up I wouldn't care how they look like without make up because tbf it's really none of my business as the reason I followed them has nothing to do with that. As someone like myself who was slim for years and then gained weight due to medication and depression and stuff and then lost it and then now I'm around 170 pounds, getting a great body is not unattainable as long as you stick to a healthy regime and eating habits.

I'm on the tall side myself and I have had random women or men say to be I'm beautiful, I look like like a celebrity and even when I was in Thailand they compared my to Beyonce that my mum even said G they are treating you like a celebrity hahaha!!

All these people that added me on Facebook I didn't even know majority of them they were like over 4700 as well as over 3000 whom I didn't add back on Facebook but they just followed me there and mind you I created that page less than 5 years ago and I hardly even posted on that Facebook page since I was going through some trauma in life and now it's deleted. So would I say these people were obsessed with me nah not a chance, was it jealousy no not a chance they just wanted to connect with me I guess for various reasons.

Personally I wouldn't even follow anyone that I'm jealous of and tbh there is only one person that I have been envious of (not jealous) and that is Rihanna because she has beauty, she is a billionaire and dated Hassan who was fine asf. Am I jealous of her absolutely not but rather I used to aspire to be like her. A young strong successful business woman who is self made and that's why she inspired me. Even having said the things I said about Rihanna people still say oh she is not pretty without makeup or her face is nothing without makeup and when people go out of their way to make such comments about other women then that's what I will call jealousy.

You know jealousy is the word that this guy likes using the one my mum said was a devil he told me once that oh those girls your nieces they don't like you they are jealous of you they will be the type to go and look for your bf on social media, they are dangerous please be careful around them. Hahahah! I remember this, I mean how can I forget.

I have a video on my twitter account showing my body size 8 UK to be exact. Tall, lean and cute asf! You can't alter a body like that and that even this guy who calls me ugly now used to comment on my body all the time and that's that on that. I don't need to be jealous of anyone personally because 1) I'm tall 2) I'm not fat or obese 3) I like my complexion 4) I'm in my 30s and also just because people inspires or motivates you doesn't mean you are jealous of them or is it what that person wishes?! Hahaha

I remember when I would post my picture on Facebook he would be like hahah "makumbo makapihwa sahwira" and he even used my name as his Facebook password hahaha! And yet now will go to any great lengths to try and prove how ugly iam B!tch you are a hater…. I wonder why he begged me not to be friends with someone he said was so ugly and beneath me and he called "avatar" even going to the length of saying I shouldn't be friends with her because she was too ugly. Haha even without make up I still get hollered just like a few days ago when a fine Turkish guy approached me and I had no ounce of make up on my face. Too bad someone has to go out of their to prove a point I could easily do it as well if I wanted to. My mum even laughed and said the audacity of him to be mocking others looks when he looks like that… hahaha! Because she has seen how he looks like before…..

Personally I don't even give a sh!t about social media and I haven't checked anyone's social media in a long time unless it's on my explore page on instagram, besides I'm very much aware that Instagram is also smoke and mirrors and just like this guy would be posting his gf on his page whilst telling me to go and delete messages from "mahure" as he called them and even asking me to use my family members Facebook page to like his photos so that he will have more likes hahah! My mum didn't like any of this nonsense but I did it for him because I considered him a friend then, something that I truly regret and that even when things went sour between me and him he would be like oh I hope we can get our friendship back and I won't involve any other 3rd parties bla bla bla and how my people are the ones who went to look for him on social media and also saying oh I didn't start this this bla bla and also saying next time please tell your bf not to look for me all the blame shifting.

PS - This seems like something he would write but oh boy so dedicated eh! I can tell that he wouldn't dare say any of this to my face, try it like avatar said "he wouldn't dare say sh!t like this to my face, because he is scared of me" Hahahah! Even avatar knows that you are a coward who hides behind your "mupengo" every time when you f?ck up something.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence certainly is just too cruel, it's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer so much all through no fault of their own and it's just so awful how humans create so much harm, I think that in general humans are the worst species. But anyway I wish you the best.